DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

The problem is not only that he didn’t consult you but that he didn’t do so because he is used to exploiting the fact that you are socialised to do all the shitwork.

why do you ‘do’ the whole of Christmas? Why does he think that is fair or ok? Why isn’t he thinking ahead and aware of all the huge amounts of work that it takes to make it happen?

the fact that he’s not consulted you on this is symptomatic of the fact that he sees you as his domestic staff, not a real human being. It’s all connected.

They live together. What do you expect them to do?

I think he should have spoken to you but I think it is unreasonable not to agree to her coming.

How is your relationship with your ex? What is he doing on Christmas Day…?

Bloody devious and cowardly cheek of your DP there, presenting as a fait accompli a matter so evidently requiring prior discussion.
I think Christmas Day is an insane occasion on which to try out being a mature, civilised set of co-parents and ex lovers for the first time. There is pressure enough as it is.
I really don’t think I could bring myself to perform the rôle of cheerful domestic goddess under these circs on Dec 25th, and it should be entirely your partner’s show now. (Though not to the extent that the ex comes and cooks in your kitchen! His daughters though are old enough together to produce a large part of the meal, if they showed willing)

(I don’t even think that your taking off the official pinny is a petty reaction, but a practical one.
Stepping back from the cooking etc would prevent unfortunate occurrences such as your forgetting to switch on the oven, or boiling the Xmas pud unwrapped in a vat of water to make sultana soup, or accidentally hiding all the corkscrews etc.)

i’ll be very keen to read how this is worked out. Im very sorry you have had it thrust on you like this.

When do your children see their Dad?

To make this work you should stop being a martyr by doing all the work because your DH ‘isn’t the sort’ (can’t be arsed).

So you’ve been together for only three years, both have your own children, and are already intertwining Christmas with extended families ( and that was before ex-w situation)? IMHO that’s all been really quick, so hell yeah, add the ex in too.

He should’ve asked you first but I think yabu to have said no, unless there’s a back story that you hate each other.
yabu doing all the hard work. Give your dh a list well in advance of what he’s responsible for.

Tell him you’d be more than happy for him and their kids to have Christmas dinner at her place
unless of course you genuinely get on well with her and would have invited her to your house yourself

Regardless of whether it was the ex-wife or your next door neighbour, he should have run it by you first.

I'd be reconsidering it now and saving a few £s on food and presents. Fuck spending Christmas or any day with someone this clueless

The problem here is that he’s thought of her before he thought of you. She is the ex, you are the current, but he thought of what would be good for her and arranged it before thinking of why would be good for you.

If you all get on reasonably well as you say, then I wouldn’t force her to be uninvited. But I would want to have a serious and frank discussion about how you and DP can communicate better, how you can better manage situations like this, how you can make each other the first person to consider.

1. Tell him your ex is coming too, since we’re all playing happy families. You didn’t ask him first because apparently that’s not what we do now.
2. Put him to work on the planning, then with the cooking etc on the day.
3. Allocate everyone a dish to bring to ease the load.

Make life easier for yourself - ask her to do dessert.

I wonder if your reaction is coloured by the fact that all the responsibility of Christmas falls to you?

I would accept that she’s coming, but - particularly given your work pattern - make it clear that your DP needs to pull his weight to ensure things are ready and as they should be. Delegate the jobs early doors- all the kids can help peeling veg on Christmas Eve, decorating, making sure there’s ice. And DP is in charge of present wrapping, cleaning, and making sure all the food and drink is bought or being brought by guests.

To be clear this should be every year, he is massively taking the piss just saying he doesn’t think ahead. He can start thinking ahead now and take some of the load off you.

So invite your ex for dinner. "For the children". Shouldn't be a problem, should it?

Finishing work late on Christmas Eve and my DP apparently doing fuck all to contribute is what would piss me off more.

I'd be telling him that he really needs to step up and do the heavy lifting this year. Plenty of time to tell him that and he can practice cooking a roast/Google what he needs to learn/etc between now and then.

Get plenty of wine in and enjoy drinking with your sister while DP is doing the work. If he's organised enough to plan the guest list, he's organised enough to be the main cook for a change. And you practise your "you just tell me what you want doing love and I'll help" support act.

Well obviously, yanbu reasonable.

But how LOVELY of him to do EVERYTHING for Christmas - not just on the day, but all the mental load beforehand - the prep, the shopping, the menu planning, the gift buying and wrapping, absolutely everything to ensure that everyone has a fabulous Christmas day in your home.

I'd be fuming too op, but deffo use this against him as a lesson in 'you made this decision without consulting me, you've now volunteered to take on the entire task'.

I agree with your sister - your DP should have asked you first, but now it's done I think it would be very nice of you to be gracious about it. She'd be on her own otherwise and the DC are excited to have her there. Make sure your DP pulls his weight with the cooking and clearing up!

You sound very reasonable. SIL (who I like) invited herself to ours for Christmas a week before before Christmas when I was already poorly and feeling overwhelmed, I was furious with DH that he didn't understand why I was upset. I think it's normal to want to be consulted about the guest list when you're doing all the work.

I would start getting him to do Christmas related tasks now though so he at least ends up doing most of the work (think of yourself as his manager, you plan the work, but he has to do it). Then he might understand why it's a problem.

You’re not married and he still thinks of his ex as family. Sorry OP but this man is not committed to you

I don’t curse much but fuuuuuuccccckkkk!!! You poor thing- hoping she’s a very chilled lovely cool person

He should definitely have discussed it with you but, I agree with your sister, you just crack on now. If there is no bad feelings between both of you, then sounds fine. I dont understand why you're against having her for the whole dinner?

DH and I often have my exH for meals and parties, including Christmas.

I would read your DH the riot act about needing to discuss things with you first though.

I like this answer! Yes go out with your girls and leave him to shop and cook for his guests.

We had the same situation in reverse a few years ago. My bloke’s ex was going to be alone because their adult kids were coming to us so their eldest asked if she could come too. He said no, I said yes. She came and it was fine. He should have asked you first though.