DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

What does this mean?!

Another thing that really is not the problem it’s popularly supposed to be is having a solo Christmas Day.
Any reasonable adult should be equipped to pass the time equably and without tears or dark thoughts.
Crashing one’s ex-husband’s new family’s Christmas dinner on his invitation, though you've never been in any way enfolded in that family before (and, crucially, since his new partner did not invite you, which would have vitiated all awkwardness), should strike you as unwarranted despite your being unexpectedly alone.
Maybe the ex-husband is ex on account of his social cluelessness.

Tell him once again that the issue is that he can't invite whoever he wants for Christmas without consulting you first. Remind him that you and he consulted about the other guests who will be there for Christmas.

Ask him to repeat what you have told him about what the issue is.

Ask him why he thinks you're the one playing games.

Tell him he's no longer off the hook wrt planning and executing the Christmas prep, which he has apparently mistaken for willingness on your part to be treated like a doormat or the hired help.

Divide Christmas responsibilities and make sure he shoulders his share of the list making and the legwork. He isn't the sort to think ahead is a very nice lifestyle, only made possible because he has glommed onto someone who does think ahead. I don't think this man is a keeper.

DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

He obviously thought ahead enough to invite his ex around in mid October.

Seems like if something's a priority for him he can think ahead.

He does nothing to make Christmas happen and OP does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need for him, his two children, his brother and sister and now his wife too.

What a freeloading douche bag.

I agree with PP he should've definitely talked to you first but I'd go with it now it's a done deal so to speak especially as there's no animosity between you and the ex and you likely would've agreed anyway.

I'd give it a few days and let's feelings settle and then explain exactly what you've said here, it's not her coming thats the issue its the lack of respect by not including you in the conversation/invite. I can see how he's done it though as a spur of the moment sure come to ours when he heard she would be alone so maybe explain it's also the way it was presented to you thats disrespectful. He should've maybe said look I've invited her because xyz and I know I should've spoken to you first... that would likely have gone down better.

Finally make sure he gets involved and doesn't leave everything to you!

No! Dick move. He needs to be doing it.

I definitely agree he should have discussed it with you first, and that would be true even if you weren't doing all the work.

Since you say this isn't the first time he's done this kind of thing and then he runs his mouth at you when confronted instead of agreeing that he'd recklessly opened his yap to whoever he invited on his own, I'd suggest taking a much firmer stand. I'd probably continue with this holiday, though. Cancelling it would upset the kids and handing the work over to someone who has no idea how to do it just means the dinner and holiday would most likely be a mess for all the guests.

But marriage counseling is an option or make him leave for a week or two after the holiday, while you both consider if you should stay together when he's so dismissive of you. However, this doesn't seem to me to be the kind of thing a solid partner would do anyway. So I wouldn't be surprised if this is the only problem you have with this guy.

All that said, you included something that made me see why he might not think it was any big deal to invite his ex-wife. Your stance doesn't make any sense to me, in fact, when I read further. It would be okay with you if the ex-wife comes by for a while or stays for dinner but not for the whole evening? Did I misunderstand something there?

I think it would just be weird to invite someone for dinner only but tell them they have to leave as soon as the table's being cleared, while everyone else stays. Or that they can come over but have to go away when everyone else goes to sit at the table for dinner lol. I have never heard of anyone doing that. Someone is either invited or they're not, in my experience.

I agree with PP. I would leave DP to do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. You sit back and chat with the XW.

YANBU it wouldn’t even matter if it wasn’t his ex and it was his sister or something instead - the very least you do is check with your OH before inviting anyone over.

The problem is not only that he didn’t consult you but that he didn’t do so because he is used to exploiting the fact that you are socialised to do all the shitwork.

why do you ‘do’ the whole of Christmas? Why does he think that is fair or ok? Why isn’t he thinking ahead and aware of all the huge amounts of work that it takes to make it happen?

the fact that he’s not consulted you on this is symptomatic of the fact that he sees you as his domestic staff, not a real human being. It’s all connected.

They live together. What do you expect them to do?

I think he should have spoken to you but I think it is unreasonable not to agree to her coming.

How is your relationship with your ex? What is he doing on Christmas Day…?

Bloody devious and cowardly cheek of your DP there, presenting as a fait accompli a matter so evidently requiring prior discussion.
I think Christmas Day is an insane occasion on which to try out being a mature, civilised set of co-parents and ex lovers for the first time. There is pressure enough as it is.
I really don’t think I could bring myself to perform the rôle of cheerful domestic goddess under these circs on Dec 25th, and it should be entirely your partner’s show now. (Though not to the extent that the ex comes and cooks in your kitchen! His daughters though are old enough together to produce a large part of the meal, if they showed willing)

(I don’t even think that your taking off the official pinny is a petty reaction, but a practical one.
Stepping back from the cooking etc would prevent unfortunate occurrences such as your forgetting to switch on the oven, or boiling the Xmas pud unwrapped in a vat of water to make sultana soup, or accidentally hiding all the corkscrews etc.)

i’ll be very keen to read how this is worked out. Im very sorry you have had it thrust on you like this.

When do your children see their Dad?

To make this work you should stop being a martyr by doing all the work because your DH ‘isn’t the sort’ (can’t be arsed).

So you’ve been together for only three years, both have your own children, and are already intertwining Christmas with extended families ( and that was before ex-w situation)? IMHO that’s all been really quick, so hell yeah, add the ex in too.

He should’ve asked you first but I think yabu to have said no, unless there’s a back story that you hate each other.
yabu doing all the hard work. Give your dh a list well in advance of what he’s responsible for.

Tell him you’d be more than happy for him and their kids to have Christmas dinner at her place
unless of course you genuinely get on well with her and would have invited her to your house yourself

Regardless of whether it was the ex-wife or your next door neighbour, he should have run it by you first.

I'd be reconsidering it now and saving a few £s on food and presents. Fuck spending Christmas or any day with someone this clueless

The problem here is that he’s thought of her before he thought of you. She is the ex, you are the current, but he thought of what would be good for her and arranged it before thinking of why would be good for you.

If you all get on reasonably well as you say, then I wouldn’t force her to be uninvited. But I would want to have a serious and frank discussion about how you and DP can communicate better, how you can better manage situations like this, how you can make each other the first person to consider.

1. Tell him your ex is coming too, since we’re all playing happy families. You didn’t ask him first because apparently that’s not what we do now.
2. Put him to work on the planning, then with the cooking etc on the day.
3. Allocate everyone a dish to bring to ease the load.

Make life easier for yourself - ask her to do dessert.

I wonder if your reaction is coloured by the fact that all the responsibility of Christmas falls to you?

I would accept that she’s coming, but - particularly given your work pattern - make it clear that your DP needs to pull his weight to ensure things are ready and as they should be. Delegate the jobs early doors- all the kids can help peeling veg on Christmas Eve, decorating, making sure there’s ice. And DP is in charge of present wrapping, cleaning, and making sure all the food and drink is bought or being brought by guests.

To be clear this should be every year, he is massively taking the piss just saying he doesn’t think ahead. He can start thinking ahead now and take some of the load off you.

So invite your ex for dinner. "For the children". Shouldn't be a problem, should it?