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Original poster

DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

414 replies

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:29

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

OP posts:
DorsetKnobBiscuit · Yesterday 20:18

I just wish he’d spoken to me before inviting her and telling them rather than deciding for both of us and then getting annoyed when I questioned it.

He gets annoyed when you question him?

WimpoleHat · Yesterday 20:18

I just wish he’d spoken to me before inviting her and telling them rather than deciding for both of us and then getting annoyed when I questioned it.

I get this - and I don’t disagree with you. But it was probably an awkward conversation, during which he ended up asking her (if you see what I mean), rather than it being something he set out to do deliberately. And - if you think about it tactically - it’s a day when you’re cooking anyway (so one more won’t make a difference in catering terms) and where you’ll get oodles of goodwill and brownie points. You may well need a favour from her in the future and it sets up the relationship well for the future. She’ll be willing to muck in with the kids (two are her own!) and no doubt MIL and SIL will be on “best behaviour” as well. I’d suck it up. Now you come out of this smelling of roses. Kick off and you’re the bad guy.

leperol · Yesterday 20:16

Do you know her and if so do you get along ok?

I'm finding it hard to believe this TBH as it is just so out there. For a start, if I were the ex, the last place I'd want to be is with the new partner and her family. I just couldn't do it. But others (the ex) may be far more ballsy than me!

I suppose all you can do now is tolerate the situation, but I'd hand all the planning to DH. And I'd want to kill him for not asking you about his plans to invite her.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · Yesterday 20:15

He shouls have discussed it with you, but honestly, I think he has doen a lovely thing. He clesrly has a decent relationship with his ex and it is a nice thing fornhis kids tongue that their parents can be friends.

My ex and his kids come to mine every Christmas, birthday, Easter, etc. I never discussed it with dh as it had been happening long before we got together so it was just how it was. Ex and dh get on well, ex was at our wedding reception, was invited to the day but he couldnt get the time off work.

We are all family.

Houseyhope · Yesterday 20:15

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:48

I dont have any bad feelings towards her at all, honestly. If he’d asked me first and explained the situation I probably would have been fine with it. It’s more that he’s just decided and told me afterwards, then when I’ve said I wasnt happy about not being asked he’s called me petty.

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I quite agree. If he’d had the manners to discuss this with you first there wouldn’t have been a problem. And him calling you petty paints him in an even worse light. Any decent bloke would have at least said “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think”.
Id tell him it’s ok for her to come, but if thinks it’s acceptable to pull stunts like this without running it past you first he’s thoughtlessly rude and he’ll have two exes to deal with next year. And I’d tell him he owes you an apology for gaslighting you by saying you are petty. Also emphasise that he will be doing a large amount of the prep and cooking. If he thinks he’s going to sit around chatting while you are in the kitchen you’ll bloody well turn everything off and go for a walk!

WearyAuldWumman · Yesterday 20:14

At the point where DH's ex had been widowed yet again (Affair Partner and then subsequent partner died) his [ETA adult] kids made it plain that they expected their mother to be included in any meal with them.

By then, I was mainly getting on okay with the ex - though she could still be a bit acerbic at times. (She wasn't just like that with me: it could be aimed at DH or, indeed, anyone unfortunate enough to interact with her.)

DH was terrified of alienating the kids, but didn't want to make life more stressful for me than necessary, so he'd book a restaurant for us all and foot the bill. Mind you, when he realised that his ex had acquired Man No. 4, he commented to me that he wisnae paying for his dinner as well!

Would having Christmas at a restaurant work for you, @IcyPortal , or is that not a possibility?

worldshottestmom · Yesterday 20:13

Millytante · Yesterday 19:58

Another thing that really is not the problem it’s popularly supposed to be is having a solo Christmas Day.
Any reasonable adult should be equipped to pass the time equably and without tears or dark thoughts.
Crashing one’s ex-husband’s new family’s Christmas dinner on his invitation, though you've never been in any way enfolded in that family before (and, crucially, since his new partner did not invite you, which would have vitiated all awkwardness), should strike you as unwarranted despite your being unexpectedly alone.
Maybe the ex-husband is ex on account of his social cluelessness.

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Yeah him being the problem is so much more than the invite tbh. OP is petty for not jumping for joy that he has invited his ex wife without consulting her first, made worse by the fact he's sat with his finger up his arse doing fuck all to help plan or deliver the day and shrugs his shoulders at her annoyance about it all. If I were OP, he wouldn't be invited to Christmas dinner, either. I'd sooner have the ex wife take his place.

Zanatdy · Yesterday 20:13

100% he should have asked something like that. I’m sure most people would be a little uncomfortable, including his ex. Bang out of order he didn’t ask you, especially as you’ll be doing most of the cooking, but more importantly, as she’s his ex.

nomas · Yesterday 20:11

He didn’t even ask you. That’s terrible.

I agree he should have Christmas with ex wife and kids at her house.

Or I would arrange to have Christmas with your sister and kids elsewhere and let him cook for his ex wife.

Or alternatively can you tell him that he now has to do all the work, all prep, cooking, shopping, clean up?

He is basically seeing you as his domestic drudge and is showing off to his ex wife.

Why are you doing most of the work, out of interest? Is he incapable?

Original poster
IcyPortal · Yesterday 20:09

Ffffffffffucksake · Yesterday 20:03

Would you be as upset if he'd invited one more person without discussion if it was his friend who would be alone or is it actually because she's his Ex?
I can't help but feel sorry for her if she'd not be seeing her kids from xmas eve through to boxing day and I'm sure the kids would feel sad about that too. Wouldn't yours? It's all the xmas days.

I think if you don't have a problem with her as a person and she's not going to cause any trouble round the table then just try and embrace it this year.

I honestly think I’d feel the same if it was someone else, it’s more the fact he didnt ask me and then made out I was being petty for saying anything.

They have always alternated Christmases and birthdays since they split up so the girls are used to having two Christmases and seeing each parent seperately. Its not like they’ve suddenly been missing out on seeing their mum at Christmas before now. I know they like the idea of everyone being together though and I’m not against that, I just wish he’d spoken to me before inviting her and telling them rather than deciding for both of us and then getting annoyed when I questioned it.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · Yesterday 20:07

If I am doing the heavy lifting of hosting, I expect a heads up before additional invites go out. That is just basic etiquette and common courtesy.

If I am hosting anyone I don't really want to (and exes would fit in that category for me, maybe I am petty), I would fully expect hosting duties to be more fairly split between DH and I.

It is easy to take a good host for granted when you aren't pulling your weight. A lot of work goes into it and I imagine it would stick in the craw if your own husband doesn't even appreciate the work you do to make it happen.

Millytante · Yesterday 20:06

Eviebeans · Yesterday 19:47

Tell him you’d be more than happy for him and their kids to have Christmas dinner at her place
unless of course you genuinely get on well with her and would have invited her to your house yourself

Oh, brilliant idea!
Yes, he and they shall feck orf to her place for Christmas Day (no Earthly reason for the daughters not to, after all) and you and yours stay at home.
Simple, and with no bloodletting.
You’ll lack your DP, it’s true, but what use or ornament would he be, moping around worrying about his lone, lorn ex-wife?

Needacalminginfluence · Yesterday 20:05

I agree with @MumofGreyhound.
I think the worrying part is that he prioritised her over you. That he still regards her as his family and she comes before you in the pecking order.

To ask another person for Christmas dinner with out consulting you first, even if it wasn't his ex wife is out of order and the fact he is saying you are being unreasonable by being put out about his behaviour is ridiculous.
I agree that you need to accept the situation now but you honestly need a serious conversation about your relationship and where you actually stand given his total disregard for you in this.

AnneLovesGilbert · Yesterday 20:04

I’d be taking my DC and going somewhere else for Christmas. Fuck being called petty by a pathetic loser who expects you to create a lovely Christmas for him, his kids and his ex wife because he can’t be arsed to bother doing any of it himself and didn’t have the courtesy to ask you first if she could come. Utterly pathetic and nasty, shows exactly where you sit in his priorities. Go along with this and you accept doormat status.

Ffffffffffucksake · Yesterday 20:03

Would you be as upset if he'd invited one more person without discussion if it was his friend who would be alone or is it actually because she's his Ex?
I can't help but feel sorry for her if she'd not be seeing her kids from xmas eve through to boxing day and I'm sure the kids would feel sad about that too. Wouldn't yours? It's all the xmas days.

I think if you don't have a problem with her as a person and she's not going to cause any trouble round the table then just try and embrace it this year.

LaurieFairyCake · Yesterday 20:03

Nah, fuck that.

it’s Christmas fucking day, YOUR Christmas fucking day, you get a fucking opinion, a collaboration, and a decision

JJWT · Yesterday 20:03

Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 19:58

What does this mean?!

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Somebody just thinking they are being a clever little moo by saying it didn't happen but in a (yawn) indirect/ pass ag manner. We need a section for children 🙄

SapphireSeptember · Yesterday 20:02

Millytante · Yesterday 19:58

Another thing that really is not the problem it’s popularly supposed to be is having a solo Christmas Day.
Any reasonable adult should be equipped to pass the time equably and without tears or dark thoughts.
Crashing one’s ex-husband’s new family’s Christmas dinner on his invitation, though you've never been in any way enfolded in that family before (and, crucially, since his new partner did not invite you, which would have vitiated all awkwardness), should strike you as unwarranted despite your being unexpectedly alone.
Maybe the ex-husband is ex on account of his social cluelessness.

Show quote history

I've spent Christmas Day on my own a couple of times, (2019 and 2023.) it's been fine. I slept late and just enjoyed being by myself.

Hatty65 · Yesterday 20:02

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:48

I dont have any bad feelings towards her at all, honestly. If he’d asked me first and explained the situation I probably would have been fine with it. It’s more that he’s just decided and told me afterwards, then when I’ve said I wasnt happy about not being asked he’s called me petty.

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Oh no, mate.

You don't get to act like a bit of a dick and then tell me I'm 'petty' whilst expecting me to suck it up. Not unless you want to experience what 'petty' really fucking looks like.

I'd expect an apology for the lack of thought in inviting the ex without bothering consult me, because it is the decent and adult thing to do. I'd expect a shitload of fucking grovelling for daring to tell me I was being petty when I'd expressed that I should have been consulted about the guest list to my home.

He'd better get ready for eating humble pie, or I'd be cancelling Christmas entirely and booking myself and the kids into a hotel somewhere nice. That would really fucking piss me off. Like you, I wouldn't be that bothered particularly about the ex coming for dinner - it's the damned cheek in just expecting me to suck up whatever he'd announced was happening.

Dontbeme · Yesterday 20:01

Bet his first marriage ended due to him being a lazy, thoughtless dick too.

Millytante · Yesterday 20:00

thestudio · Yesterday 19:51

The problem is not only that he didn’t consult you but that he didn’t do so because he is used to exploiting the fact that you are socialised to do all the shitwork.

why do you ‘do’ the whole of Christmas? Why does he think that is fair or ok? Why isn’t he thinking ahead and aware of all the huge amounts of work that it takes to make it happen?

the fact that he’s not consulted you on this is symptomatic of the fact that he sees you as his domestic staff, not a real human being. It’s all connected.

OP: she’s 👆🏼not wrong

Wishihadanalgorithm · Yesterday 20:00

He sounds like an absolute arse. He’s generous with his hospitality because clearly, OP, it’s you doing all the work.

I actually don’t know what to say, other than, this would be my lien in the sand that’s been crossed.

Neveranynamesleft · Yesterday 20:00

I'd be saying a definite no. Not your problem she would be on her own.

U53rName · Yesterday 20:00

MumofGreyhound · Yesterday 19:44

The problem here is that he’s thought of her before he thought of you. She is the ex, you are the current, but he thought of what would be good for her and arranged it before thinking of why would be good for you.

If you all get on reasonably well as you say, then I wouldn’t force her to be uninvited. But I would want to have a serious and frank discussion about how you and DP can communicate better, how you can better manage situations like this, how you can make each other the first person to consider.

This.

jay55 · Yesterday 19:59

He should have asked.

also won’t it be weird for your kids?