DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

Its not completely out of the blue no, he’s done it before with smaller things, agreeing to things with his ex or the girls and then telling me afterwards as if its all sorted. Usually I’ve just let it go because its not been anything major and I dont want to make an issue out of everything.

I think thats why this has annoyed me more than it maybe would have otherwise. Its Christmas dinner and quite a bit of work for me and he didnt even think to ask. Then when I said I wasnt happy about it he made it about me being petty instead of actually listening to what I was saying. I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.

Sometimes.

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

My step-grandson's ex-wife comes to lots of family celebrations, along with my late DH's ex-wife and her DP. We all get along. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable, esp since my DH died, but it's family. I don't speak to my ex-DH at all, so it's all refreshingly good humoured. Step-grandson's stepson also comes - he's family, too.

OP, don't listen to all the bad advice here telling you to cause trouble in various ways. He has done this with a pure heart and you will look horrible if you take the advice here. If you welcome her graciously and warmly, he'll love you forever.

So it's okay to not ask about things to preempt someone's no?

If he uninvites her now then his daughters may choose to spend Xmas with their mother instead.

I haven't RTFT. I'm sure lots of posters are jumping to ending your relationship.

Christmas is about charity and reaching out to people who have less than you do, and not just in terms of money. Be grateful that you are with a kindhearted man who wouldn't see someone he once loved and who is the mother of his children alone at Christmas, while he has a lovely time with his loved ones. And the children are so happy. Such a Christmas will be something they'll remember when their parents are long gone. If him and her wanted to be together, they would be. No good marriage ends in divorce. Now, pull up your big-girl pants and be an adult about this. Welcome her warmly and with grace. You would want the same in her shoes.

I do think he should have discussed it with you, but perhaps he didn't because he thought you would say no.

P.S. As a gracious and charitable host, you should reach out to her, soon, by text or email, to reiterate the invitation, so that she knows she is welcome. Say that you are excited to have her over and that the children can't wait. Ask if she has any special dietary requirements and let her know what you'll be cooking.

This is what a person of quality does.

You dont have to ask your ex, just tell DP that you have and then when he hits the roof, you have your point proved.

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

Nobody will respect you or stand up for you if you won’t even do it for yourself. Of course it’s outrageous. In what world is it ok that he invites his ex round to the Christmas dinner you are cooking without asking you first?? He has done this because he knows you won’t have the backbone to cause a stir and tell him to uninvite her. Yes, his kids will be disappointed but he really should have thought about that, shouldn’t he? If you let him get away with this, what will be next?

I'd be reconsidering it now and saving a few £s on food and presents. Fuck spending Christmas or any day with someone this clueless

The idea of working away in my kitchen at Christmas while my dh and his ex were in another room having a lovely old time of it, waiting to be served…is not a pleasant one

Its not completely out of the blue no, he’s done it before with smaller things, agreeing to things with his ex or the girls and then telling me afterwards as if its all sorted. Usually I’ve just let it go because its not been anything major and I dont want to make an issue out of everything.

I think thats why this has annoyed me more than it maybe would have otherwise. Its Christmas dinner and quite a bit of work for me and he didnt even think to ask. Then when I said I wasnt happy about it he made it about me being petty instead of actually listening to what I was saying. I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.