DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

@IcyPortal I think there are actually two separate issues here:
Should the ex-wife be invited? Should he have consulted his partner before inviting her?

On the first point, I think his decision is understandable and potentially quite kind. His daughters are 15 and 10, their mum has recently split up with someone, she'd otherwise be alone, and the girls are clearly delighted at the prospect of both parents being together for part of Christmas Day. If everyone is civil and there isn't a history of drama and it appears you weren't the reason for their divorce, it could be a really positive memory for the children and set a good precedent for future graduations, weddings, grandchildren and other family events.

On the second point, I think you have a legitimate complaint. Christmas dinner in a shared home isn't like inviting someone for a quick coffee. It's a significant event, and you are the person doing most of the planning, cooking and hosting. No matter who the invitation was issued too, he should have asked if they were benefitting from your hard work and hostess skills. The fact that you weren't asked first would irritate many people, even those who would ultimately have agreed as I think you may well have done although I feel you probably would have to be encourage as the idea is a bot daunting.

What strikes me is that your objection doesn't actually seem to be "I don't want the ex there." You repeatedly say: you feel sorry for her, you doesn't think anything is going on, you understand the girls' feelings, you haven't forbidden it. Your real complaint is: "Why did you decide this without me?" That's quite different.

The bit that would concern me more than the invitation itself is this sentence:
"He does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards."

That suggests a pattern. If every decision involving his ex-wife or children gets made first and discussed with his current partner afterwards, then the Christmas dinner argument is really about feeling like a passenger in your own household.

I think you should probably let the invitation stand because the children are excited and the ex-wife sounds harmless. However, after Christmas I'd be having a calm conversation about decisions being made jointly in future.
In other words: The ex-wife coming to dinner = probably a good thing.
Inviting her without asking = not so good.

I suspect many Mumsnetters will focus on the ex being there at all, but to me the bigger issue is the lack of consultation rather than the guest herself.

I feel that your partner shoud have asked, acknowledged the strange ask and the extra work and that you would have probably said yes, aware it may initially seem a bit strange. By not giving you the opportunity to say yes, because he was afraid you would say no, he has turned what could have been a very nice joint gesture for her to join you at Christmas into a slightly disconcerting experience.

For me, if he didn't ask you as he felt you would say no, then he was willing to risk your discomfort for her inclusion. That would be the problem for me, he didn't give you a chance to agree beforehand and her loneliness trumped your discomfort.

And I agree with earlier posters that now the invitation has been issued and the kids know, its not an invitation that could be revoked without major upsets. But I suspect you do not want to revoke it, you want to know what was behind your partners decision to invite her without trusting you enough to discuss it with you beforehand.

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

You contradicted yourself in your OP.

You said you told him it made you uncomfortable.

You ended with - I only said I would have liked to have been asked but now he thinks I have a problen with his ex.

Which is it?

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

Not read past this, but it's not tit for tat ;)

It's because it will be as great for your children as it will be for his having both parents there.

You saw how happy his children are, your children should be happy too. That's fair, is it not?

He thought that there was nothing wrong with what he did. So did you. You only did the same as he did.

And if he moans, then he's just being petty. And a hypocrite!

Completely agree.

And he's already tested the waters with "minor issues" prior to this.

I'm five years he'll have taken over OPs bank accounts, dress sense, job choices and friendships.

Anyone who has had the good fortune to not have ever been involved with dickheads like this will think I'm being dramatic. And I'm delighted for them. The rest of us can see it coming as inevitably as day follows night.

I think you’re being really petty.

He’s obviously not thought to tell you because ITS NOT A BIG DEAL to him and he was just tying to be nice?!

you have said yourself that there’s no issues between you and she’s always been nice and respectful…… so why would you mind?

i, personally wouldn’t have said anything…. Especially if it makes the children happy and just said afterwards “can you mention it if you invite another person to Christmas so I can make sure there’s enough food/wine/cake.

My husband HAS done this before and it’s not a massive deal. We are a FAMILY….. through our children! So what’s the issue?

Please just go along with this with a smile on your face. It will mean so much to your step children for so many years and it will be such a positive things for them to see all the adults in their life getting along well with each other. It's not ideal he didn't ask you, as it wouldn't be if he had asked any other person to join you, and you should let him know that, in future, he should run things like this by you first, but now he has and the kids know about it, please make it a happy occasion.

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

He voluntold OP that his ex was coming for one of the big events of the year in their shared home.

I think that's big enough to rethink the whole relationship. He doesn't respect OP's opinion, doesn't feel she should be consulted about events in her own home, and she's expected to go above and beyond because well, he doesn't. He's basically telling her it's his way or he calls her names.

He takes her completely for granted. I don't know about you but anybody who voluntells me gets a big no for an answer. It's extremely disrespectful.

He unfortunately sounds like one of those men who gets a woman to live with to do the work around the home, events included, and likes to play the big man good guy inviting his poor lonely ex while expecting OP to work like a damn dog.

Make life easier for yourself - ask her to do dessert.

I had a similar thing a few years ago. My 'partner's' ex was single and was going to spend Christmas with her family then her friend then all fell through and he was hosting his adult sons and he invited her around so she wouldn't be alone. I'd never actually spent a single Christmas with him since his ex and boys liked to do Christmas as the old family unit (they split up around 20 years ago long before I'd met him.

It was awful and YANBU @IcyPortal he is. His ex's problems are not his problems to solve. As here my 'partner's' ex's problems were not for him to sort out. However, you can never win when children, even adult children are involved and it left a lasting resentment that changed our relationship for the worse.

Stand up for yourself and say NO why should you have to solver her problems.