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Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

259 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:43

IchiNiSanShiGo · Yesterday 17:18

If you were to say no, do you think it would have a negative impact on your friendship?

If you say yes, is it likely to feel awkward when it comes to repayments? Are you confident they have the funds to stick to the repayment plan they’ve suggested?

You say the “nice to have” is somewhat time limited - when do you need to make the decision by?

I don’t think this is a particularly easy decision, so I can see why you’ve asked.

Is your DH’s expensive purchase of similar value to the loan they’re asking for - if so, would DH consider deferring the purchase until you’re confident your friend is paying you back regularly?

I don’t know if it would impact our friendship - I hope not but it would probably affect it a little on my side. I’d feel guilty that I could help and I didn’t. The nice to have could have a very positive impact on their life - it’s not a frivolous purchase. Friend has a few months to decide what to do but I should probably let them know yes/no soon so they have other options. I’m not their only option, but I wouldn’t charge the interest rates of a credit card or bank loan. I guess we might lose out a little by not investing it aggressively.

DH is about to spend several times what friend is asking for a something that isn’t immediately necessary, just a nice to have that will pay off longer term.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 17:41

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:30

Not really rich but we have savings and no debts. I appreciate we are very fortunate.

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You've sacrificed other things to make those savings and been careful to stay debt free.
It's not luck but judgement.

DId you say things to the friend like.. Thank you so much ... you've saved me £XX.. and then she's suddenly asking for a loan?

It sort of sounds like you want to lend it to her because you can't think of a good enough reason not to, because you feel a bit beholden or guilty? And she would find out that DH wants to buy something indulgent (Its your joint money.. why can't he and why would you feel guilty?)

Is she asking for a loan for something worthwhile? That she really needs? Are you sure she can't just get a loan? Would it be impossible for her to get an interest free credit card?

If you do go ahead. Make sure you get a proper, signed loan agreement which details a timescale for repayment. But personally I really wouldn't do it. Do something else nice for her instead.. like she did for you, something that doesn't cost you anything but is a real favour and then perhaps you will feel that you have repaid the debt, but without feeling squeezed.

Darck · Yesterday 17:37

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:32

It wasn’t that but does it matter? The favour they did inconvenienced them slightly but saved me several grand and gave me peace of mind.

I’m not cavalier about money or I wouldn’t have any. I want to say yes but I’m thinking it through. A few posts have made good points.

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Was it along the lines of qualified legal advice?

I've probably missed it upthread - I've had to skim read a bit - but why are they not just borrowing from a bank? Whatever the other circumstances, if that route is closed to them, then there's usually a reason for it, none of which tend to bode well for lending/borrowing money.

Shelby2010 · Yesterday 17:36

It sounds like you want to lend them the money. Why don’t you make the agreement between friend & DH, get it written down but don’t charge interest - that would be dickish. Try & separate it from being between you & her.

LizzieSiddal · Yesterday 17:34

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:32

It wasn’t that but does it matter? The favour they did inconvenienced them slightly but saved me several grand and gave me peace of mind.

I’m not cavalier about money or I wouldn’t have any. I want to say yes but I’m thinking it through. A few posts have made good points.

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So you saved several thousand.
Are they asking to borrow a similar amount, a bit more or significantly more?

Juicyapple44 · Yesterday 17:34

Sorry it would be a no from me, I could not afford to not get the money back. Plus in today’s climate you never know what’s a round the corner, redundancy etc when you need the money ..

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:32

Daisymail · Yesterday 17:10

It sounds as if they gave you legal advice free of charge or provided trade work at a greatly reduced cost?

Neither are comparable to asking you for a cash loan.

I couldn't risk not getting my money back but you appear to have a very cavalier attitude around this (lucky you). Not sure why you posted when you have clearly made your decision.

It wasn’t that but does it matter? The favour they did inconvenienced them slightly but saved me several grand and gave me peace of mind.

I’m not cavalier about money or I wouldn’t have any. I want to say yes but I’m thinking it through. A few posts have made good points.

OP posts:
Gateappreciation · Yesterday 17:20

They’ve given you the option of saying ‘no’ so take it and move on (guilt free). Don’t let this hang over your head .

IchiNiSanShiGo · Yesterday 17:18

If you were to say no, do you think it would have a negative impact on your friendship?

If you say yes, is it likely to feel awkward when it comes to repayments? Are you confident they have the funds to stick to the repayment plan they’ve suggested?

You say the “nice to have” is somewhat time limited - when do you need to make the decision by?

I don’t think this is a particularly easy decision, so I can see why you’ve asked.

Is your DH’s expensive purchase of similar value to the loan they’re asking for - if so, would DH consider deferring the purchase until you’re confident your friend is paying you back regularly?

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 17:16

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 17:10

Is there an expectation from them that you do this?

No, they said I could say no and it would be fine, but I would feel bad when we could easily help.

We’ve done a few favours for each other over the years, but friend’s favour was one that really gave us peace of mind over an issue and the money saved was a bonus.

OP posts:
Keepitsimples · Yesterday 17:15

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 16:19

*thread’s- the apostrophe replaces the i
Spelling/grammar/general decorum thread’s maybe for you 🤌🏻

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This makes absolutely no sense

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 17:13

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:07

You know what I mean, have a nice evening ✌🏻

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I don’t. And I suspect you don’t either 👋

Littlebitpsycho · Yesterday 17:12

Poll is unclear - i put YABU to lend the money, don't do it

Daisymail · Yesterday 17:10

It sounds as if they gave you legal advice free of charge or provided trade work at a greatly reduced cost?

Neither are comparable to asking you for a cash loan.

I couldn't risk not getting my money back but you appear to have a very cavalier attitude around this (lucky you). Not sure why you posted when you have clearly made your decision.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · Yesterday 17:10

Is there an expectation from them that you do this?

cartagenagina · Yesterday 17:08

I wouldn’t, no.

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:07

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:41

Come again?

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You know what I mean, have a nice evening ✌🏻

RosaNovella · Yesterday 17:06

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

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You are not a bank Op
They cant call in favours because...

Never lend money, it causes all sorts of odd feelings and can end relationships

Gateappreciation · Yesterday 17:05

No.

Why are they asking you? Why can’t they get the money from the bank? Is it essential or urgent? Do you consider it a good use of the money? Also, how do they know whether you have this money or not? Also, Do they think you owe them, and/ or how did the first favour come about ( did you ask them or did they offer?)?

Sorry for all the questions, but the answer would still be no. Just go back and say you’re not in a position to help them/ your savings are tied up in pensions etc.

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 17:04

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TheThirteenthFairy · Yesterday 17:01

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ParkFirstDesk · Yesterday 16:56

boxofshite · Yesterday 15:19

I probably would since they saved you lots of money

Well it sounds as if she might lose the money she saved.

TwinklyAmberSloth · Yesterday 16:51

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:42

Yes, true, the cost to them for the favour was probably small. The cost to us for lending the money is not big, but it’s a substantial amount itself. It we lose it it takes away from DC ultimately.

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And the friendship would be lost...

The fact this friend saved you £1000s previously is the only thing here that is making me actually sway towards helping them. Normally I'd be a straight NO on things like this!

What is the risk like? e.g. is the money for something that is a bit of a gamble (e.g. a business) or something that will depreciate in value (e.g. a car), or would it be lending and the repayments plus interest are affordable, and the lent money would become an asset of theirs (e.g. buying a house)?

exhausted100 · Yesterday 16:50

No def not.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 16:49

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

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Every single post from you from start to finish is supporting lending her the money. Clearly posters are split. You won’t get clarity. So assess your own circumstances and relationship and make the call

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