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Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

256 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
BinNightTonight · Yesterday 18:36

In your position, I would lend the money. Im thinking about it if it was my closest friend, and i wouldn't hesitate at all, nor would she for me!

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:36

SplishSplash123 · Yesterday 18:27

Is there a good reason why your friend can't get a 0% credit card to put the spending on? That would be cheaper for them if they are going to be paying you interest...

Ordinarily I would say never lend anyone money, but I think given its less than what they have saved you previously, then maybe it is fair trade off even in the event they don't/can't repay. But I would explore all other options with them first, as I say a 0% card would save them money and would also take the pressure off the friendship

Aren’t credit cards 0% for a limited time? And if you can’t pay it off after a year the debt spirals doesn’t it?

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · Yesterday 18:33

No , friends and lending money rarely ends well. Likely to be the end of the friendship and you won’t see the money back.

JulietteRoche · Yesterday 18:32

tripleginandtonic · Yesterday 18:17

If they helped you then yes I would

They helped, but they didn't actually part with any money. I don't think that OP is morally obliged to lend this money, as she would be if the friend had lent her money in the past. That said, I can see why she would feel mean to not do so. There's really no right or wrong answer.

Whettlettuce · Yesterday 18:30

If you decide to lend the money, have an agreement drawn up and the friend sign it. That way if she doesn't pay you have in writing and can take it further if needed

sherbetlemonade · Yesterday 18:29

Neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Shakespeare was right.

SplishSplash123 · Yesterday 18:27

Is there a good reason why your friend can't get a 0% credit card to put the spending on? That would be cheaper for them if they are going to be paying you interest...

Ordinarily I would say never lend anyone money, but I think given its less than what they have saved you previously, then maybe it is fair trade off even in the event they don't/can't repay. But I would explore all other options with them first, as I say a 0% card would save them money and would also take the pressure off the friendship

BiggerIsAlwaysBetter · Yesterday 18:25

I don't expect you to say what it is, but I can't think of any sudden unexpected nice-to-have that I would ask a friend for a loan for. And aren't loans paid pretty quickly? Or they could use finance or credit for a holiday?

I just think I'd be massively wary of someone being more comfortable asking a friend for a significant loan and the awkwardness over keeping finances private and doing it independently. It screams money problems and most people want to avoid that and the awkwardness of loan, so I think there is a real risk that you don't have the full picture.

AliMonkey · Yesterday 18:23

In your circumstances (ie you can afford to lose it but would obviously rather not), for a very good friend, I'd say yes if they had a plan about how and when they'd pay it back, ie they know they'll have the money coming in future just don't have it now. I lent a friend £500 just after I finished uni, which was a lot of money at the time relative to what she or I had (and it was 30+ years ago so equivalent to about £1400 now), but I knew it wouldn't impact me long term as I was about to start a well-paid job, and she was struggling but would earn enough to pay it back within a few months. She paid it back on time and the friendship continued for a few years before we drifted apart through changes in circumstances. So I don't in any way regret that.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:23

sweetpotatopie2 · Yesterday 18:18

I'll add that, to me and among people I know, friends borrowing and lending money with other friends isn't really done. We all have families to put first, so it would seem pushy and kind of weird if someone asked. People might ask their parents for a loan, or else they'd get it from a bank or save up for what they want. The favor they did for you does complicate things a bit, though.

Show quote history

I think friend had been saving, but had some unexpected huge expenses, and now time has run out on the thing they were saving for.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 18:23

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:20

I didn’t ask tbh, I don’t want to delve into friend’s finances. I assume interest rates on bank loans are high but I know nothing, I’ve never had one. Do they just give them for anything as long as you demonstrate you can pay it back?

Show quote history

Pretty much. I mean if your credit rating is good enough and you say that its for a car or home improvements (they do ask) but then spend the money on shoes and handbags, they dont care as long as they get the money back.

Yes there is interest charged but it isnt usually a massive amount. That only happens if you are in the sub prime market (such as the old Brighthouse credit agreements).

I think you should ask. As the lender you have the right to know why they are asking you and not the bank. You need to do your due diligence to make sure that you are aware of how high the risk is.

ETA Trust means nothing. You can trust someone to the end of the world but if they can't afford to pay you back, you won't get paid back, simple as that.

tommyhoundmum · Yesterday 18:21

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

No It's one of the easiest way to lose a friend and your money, They should get a bank loan.

EBearhug · Yesterday 18:20

We all have families to put first
Not all of us do.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:20

PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 18:16

You seem to be avoiding saying why they cant get the money from somewhere like a bank, which leads me to think that its because the bank thinks they are a bad risk, and if thats the case then you know its a stupid idea to lend to them.

I didn’t ask tbh, I don’t want to delve into friend’s finances. I assume interest rates on bank loans are high but I know nothing, I’ve never had one. Do they just give them for anything as long as you demonstrate you can pay it back?

OP posts:
sweetpotatopie2 · Yesterday 18:18

sweetpotatopie2 · Yesterday 18:04

There is a big difference though, since the help they gave you didn't cost them or at least didn't cost them much. Now they're trying to cash in on it, hmm. Something about this just doesn't sit well with me, personally.

At the same time, I can see why you'd feel somewhat obligated. It seems a bit complicated, with several factors to consider. And just you asking her shows you're not completely comfortable with this request.

So, I think I'd opt for something between a flat out "no" and lending them the large-ish amount requested. I'd say you don't have that much money at your disposal right now but that you'd be happy to GIVE them a smaller amount (after you decide what that should be).

That's nice and neat, with no risk to the friendship and hopefully more in your comfort zone. Then you can consider the favor repaid.

Edited

I'll add that, to me and among people I know, friends borrowing and lending money with other friends isn't really done. We all have families to put first, so it would seem pushy and kind of weird if someone asked. People might ask their parents for a loan, or else they'd get it from a bank or save up for what they want. The favor they did for you does complicate things a bit, though.

tripleginandtonic · Yesterday 18:17

If they helped you then yes I would

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:17

Shelby2010 · Yesterday 17:36

It sounds like you want to lend them the money. Why don’t you make the agreement between friend & DH, get it written down but don’t charge interest - that would be dickish. Try & separate it from being between you & her.

Yes I was thinking this.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · Yesterday 18:16

You seem to be avoiding saying why they cant get the money from somewhere like a bank, which leads me to think that its because the bank thinks they are a bad risk, and if thats the case then you know its a stupid idea to lend to them.

leperol · Yesterday 18:15

I think I'd offer half of what she's looking for as a gesture of thanks for her help in the past. Halving the risk, as I would not take on the entire risk even if I could afford it TBH.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:15

Gmhopkins · Yesterday 18:04

So in an example, your friend saved you £10,000 a few years back. She’s asking for a lend of £6000.
You’re quibbling about it, mostly because you’ve read too much mean minded mumsnetters over the years.
Your husband is about to buy a car for £40,000.
Yes, of course you should lend your pal this money. Isn’t that the whole point of friendship? Helping each other out?

Yes it’s very much this (though I’m not confirming or denying the amounts you’re suggesting).

I think I want to say yes, but if it’s a yes I need to make sure I’ve worked through any doubts. MN is good for that because most people are saying no!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:11

OffTheMap · Yesterday 18:04

Yes, but I am guessing your friend didn’t put capital etc at risk to help you?

Unless they did something like make you a bridging loan so you could buy before you had sold, for example

Show quote history

No there was no risk to friend. More like
minor long term inconvenience.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 18:10

Chilly80 · Yesterday 17:55

Who asks a friend for a loan to buy something thats just a nice to have item. Can't they just get a zero credit card to buy it?

Getting a credit card is such a bad idea unless you can pay it all off quickly. It scares me the way debt can spiral.

OP posts:
JulietteRoche · Yesterday 18:06

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:28

Rich people problems

Don't be bitter. Mumsnet caters to all segments of society, not just those claiming UC. It's an interesting moral quandary.

JulietteRoche · Yesterday 18:05

What was the favour that your friend did you? As you say it didn't cost them anything, I don't think that you are morally obliged to lend the money (whereas if they had lent you money, I think you would be)

ilovebrie8 · Yesterday 18:04

What sort of sum are you talking about?

Generally not a good idea to mix lending to friends as it can turn sour if they don’t repay etc