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Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

256 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 21:10

hopingforabigchange · Yesterday 21:01

Sounds like you are under obligation to them.
I would ask how they know you have money to spare? I'd aim to be a bit more discreet in future, or say it's all in pensions/property.
As others have said, the fact that they are approaching you rather than just getting a loan is concerning as it suggests they can't get credit.
Is it for a fancy car or something similar?
Debt isn't something to fear if one manages it sensibly and has income.
If they are very good friends and it's for IVF I'd be more inclined to lend, but if it's something like that or for an investment and whatever it is does not go as they'd hoped, you can probably kiss that money goodbye. 😬

They don’t know. We bought the same thing some time ago. We were going to put the money into investments and if it was a no we’d say as much.

OP posts:
hopingforabigchange · Yesterday 21:01

Sounds like you are under obligation to them.
I would ask how they know you have money to spare? I'd aim to be a bit more discreet in future, or say it's all in pensions/property.
As others have said, the fact that they are approaching you rather than just getting a loan is concerning as it suggests they can't get credit.
Is it for a fancy car or something similar?
Debt isn't something to fear if one manages it sensibly and has income.
If they are very good friends and it's for IVF I'd be more inclined to lend, but if it's something like that or for an investment and whatever it is does not go as they'd hoped, you can probably kiss that money goodbye. 😬

MrsBrianJones · Yesterday 21:01

edit

LondonLass2026 · Yesterday 20:59

Nope.

Anyone remember the poster here a year or so ago, who lent a huge amount of money to her "friend" - the friend then took off and totally ghosted op, never to be heard from again. Op then begged her husband to sell his London nest egg flat to recoup the loss. The husband understandably couldn't get over it.

It was such a horrible story. Only lend if you want to and can afford to, but I personally wouldn't go near this with a bargepole.

chirrupybird · Yesterday 20:48

No, you may need the money and they may not pay it back. How did they save you money and how much? That could make a difference if they are asking for much less than that.

Walkerzoo · Yesterday 20:47

They saved you thousands .... He could have said no or you could have paid someone else...

Maybe next time don't ask or accept a gift from anyone or pay them at the time.

Houseyhope · Yesterday 20:44

I think the question about loans/credit cards has been answered a few times already.
In your situation I’d lend it them, and as someone said, I’d possibly even gift them a bit (unless you got them a substantial thank you gift when they helped you out so massively).

gmgnts · Yesterday 20:40

I wouldn't ever even dream of asking anyone for a loan to buy something 'nice to have'. If you can't afford to buy something yourself, then you can't have it. End of. I find it an appalling cheek to ask someone else to fund you for something non-essential. Is this normal behaviour?

Agapornis · Yesterday 20:36

I'd question why they can't get a normal loan or 0% for 18 months/2 years credit card. You could always lend them whatever they haven't paid off at the end of the 0% period, if for some reason they can't do a balance transfer. That way you all win - you get to invest for about 2 years, they don't have to pay interest.

Walkerzoo · Yesterday 20:36

I am probably in minority...

But I would give a proportion of it as a gift.

He helped you out, it saved you thousands, you didn't have the money at the time, but now he needs help, and you have savings....

Depending on situation he could have lost income by helping you. Yep. I would gift it.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:34

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:30

Annoyingly yes. His mind is on his own purchase dilemma so I don’t think I’ll get anything from him this weekend.

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Well that isn’t weird at all

VoiceFromThePit · Yesterday 20:31

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:27

Amount is about half or two thirds of what we saved because of friend.

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In that case I would probably either actually buy them it or gift them 50% of the cost and loan the rest as an extra thank you but that’s me.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:30

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:12

Is your DH still too busy to talk? Because really it’s his opinion that is the one that matters to you and his alone. He knows the intricacies of the situation whereas we know pretty much squat all

Edited

Annoyingly yes. His mind is on his own purchase dilemma so I don’t think I’ll get anything from him this weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:25

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:11

Oh come on - i really don’t get the impression that this is a gigantic sum. It is 1/2-2/3 what she saved you. Ao what we talking…. A few k?
You have no reason to suspect this very close and very good friend will scam you over. So the inheritance talk seems a bit naff

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I’m just thinking about every angle. It probably sounds overblown but there are reasons I need to think ahead. I did come to the conclusion that I’d still want to take the risk on my friend.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · Yesterday 20:14

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 16:48

It was more than a one off favour. To take your example, it would be like if they gave me free professional advice out of their own time for a fixed number of years.

To answer other questions, if it wasn’t for them we would have managed but we would have had to spend a large sum of money to sort the issue. And the sum we saved because of them is larger than the sum they are asking for.

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In this case, and considering you think they have integrity, and it's less then the amount they saved you, I would.

The people on the other threads who never paid back aren't really relevant.
It sounds like your friends character is different. If they hadn't done the favour though, I wouldn't support them asking you.

MountainRoadMist · Yesterday 20:14

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:36

Yes that’s right. It would be upsetting to lose that sum of money but not impactful. It would otherwise go into long term savings for kids.

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Just lend them the tenner.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:13

lessglittermoremud · Yesterday 20:11

But your children wouldn’t have it to inherit if your friend hadn’t save you thousands in the first place?
And as the other poster pointed out they are asking for less then they saved you, around half?
So your children are still ahead of where they would have been had your friend not helped you?

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and talking about inheritance etc just seems so overblown at this stage. A very good close mate. No reason to think that their inheritance is being risked. It all seems a bit drama seeking now

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:12

Is your DH still too busy to talk? Because really it’s his opinion that is the one that matters to you and his alone. He knows the intricacies of the situation whereas we know pretty much squat all

lessglittermoremud · Yesterday 20:11

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:07

I guess in that case I should be asking whether I am happy to risk a part of DC’s inheritance for my friend. So it comes back to integrity. And I think that they would repay me, even if it took longer than planned, they would do it.

It’s not my first experience of lending - when I had much less my friend was suddenly caught short and needed a bridging loan. It was a significant but affordable sum to me so I helped her and she paid me back as soon as she could, with an amazing thank you gift on top. Our friendship went on for much longer though eventually we lost touch. So I don’t think it’s always true that lending money means losing the money and to friendship.

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But your children wouldn’t have it to inherit if your friend hadn’t save you thousands in the first place?
And as the other poster pointed out they are asking for less then they saved you, around half?
So your children are still ahead of where they would have been had your friend not helped you?

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:11

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:07

I guess in that case I should be asking whether I am happy to risk a part of DC’s inheritance for my friend. So it comes back to integrity. And I think that they would repay me, even if it took longer than planned, they would do it.

It’s not my first experience of lending - when I had much less my friend was suddenly caught short and needed a bridging loan. It was a significant but affordable sum to me so I helped her and she paid me back as soon as she could, with an amazing thank you gift on top. Our friendship went on for much longer though eventually we lost touch. So I don’t think it’s always true that lending money means losing the money and to friendship.

Show quote history

Oh come on - i really don’t get the impression that this is a gigantic sum. It is 1/2-2/3 what she saved you. Ao what we talking…. A few k?
You have no reason to suspect this very close and very good friend will scam you over. So the inheritance talk seems a bit naff

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 20:07

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 19:58

It’s still a significant sum. It would probably be passed on to DC in time and they will certainly need everything we can give them. It’s just that we don’t need it now.

Show quote history

I guess in that case I should be asking whether I am happy to risk a part of DC’s inheritance for my friend. So it comes back to integrity. And I think that they would repay me, even if it took longer than planned, they would do it.

It’s not my first experience of lending - when I had much less my friend was suddenly caught short and needed a bridging loan. It was a significant but affordable sum to me so I helped her and she paid me back as soon as she could, with an amazing thank you gift on top. Our friendship went on for much longer though eventually we lost touch. So I don’t think it’s always true that lending money means losing the money and to friendship.

OP posts:
lessglittermoremud · Yesterday 20:05

ChampagneLassie · Yesterday 19:55

I just told my DP your story and he said as you’ve saved more than they’re asking to borrow surely you just give them it as thanks for the favour they did you and how much you saved! Alternative perspective

A fair perspective though and a good idea!

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 20:04

ChampagneLassie · Yesterday 19:55

I just told my DP your story and he said as you’ve saved more than they’re asking to borrow surely you just give them it as thanks for the favour they did you and how much you saved! Alternative perspective

What do you think @ChampagneLassie ?

blackhorsesxx · Yesterday 20:02

F

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 19:58

ChampagneLassie · Yesterday 19:55

I just told my DP your story and he said as you’ve saved more than they’re asking to borrow surely you just give them it as thanks for the favour they did you and how much you saved! Alternative perspective

It’s still a significant sum. It would probably be passed on to DC in time and they will certainly need everything we can give them. It’s just that we don’t need it now.

OP posts:
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