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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you help in these circumstances

256 replies

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:14

Friend did a massive favour for me a while back. It didn’t cost them anything, but it saved me thousands. At the time we didn’t have much so I bought a small gift as thanks.

They recently asked me to lend them a significant sum of money, repaying over a long time period. It’s a lot, more than we‘d want to give away, but we could afford to lose the sum now if it came to it. I don’t want to mix friendship and money but I want to help. It’s for a nice to have rather than for something essential.

Would you lend them the money? Curious as I know the general advice here is not to.

OP posts:
Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:44

This is for you and your husband to decide on the basis of affordability and the intricacies of your relationship. Neither of which is possible to fully convey here.

So just have a coffee with your DH, decide, update friend

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:42

catzrulz · Yesterday 15:39

As mentioned up thread, get it in writing what the payment plan would be and over how long.
It's totally different gifting "time" to help you out previously than lending cold, hard cash.

Yes, true, the cost to them for the favour was probably small. The cost to us for lending the money is not big, but it’s a substantial amount itself. It we lose it it takes away from DC ultimately.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:40

MadeForThis · Yesterday 15:34

Would you like to lose her as a friend if she didn’t pay it back as planned?

I would be gutted about losing the friendship,
more than the money. But they have a lot of integrity and I trust that they would do everything to pay us back, even if it was a nominal amount a month.

I’m sure people are asking why bother to post then. I just need to think/talk it through.

OP posts:
catzrulz · Yesterday 15:39

As mentioned up thread, get it in writing what the payment plan would be and over how long.
It's totally different gifting "time" to help you out previously than lending cold, hard cash.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:36

Tryingtothinkofausername · Yesterday 15:33

The OP is saying they could afford to lose the money if it wasn't paid back though. It can't be impactful.

Show quote history

Yes that’s right. It would be upsetting to lose that sum of money but not impactful. It would otherwise go into long term savings for kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:34

Namenamchange · Yesterday 15:29

if your friend hadn’t been able to help you, would you have had to have found the thousands to fix the problem? Or would you just not have gone ahead, or found an alternative?

if yes, then I think you should lend them the money.

I should add, I lent a friend money, never got it back, and lost the friendship.

Edited

Hmmm - we did have the resources to sort the issue ourselves but it would have been very complicated. Friend gave us peace of mind so there was no problem to worry about, and it saved us a lot of money at the same time.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · Yesterday 15:34

Would you like to lose her as a friend if she didn’t pay it back as planned?

Tryingtothinkofausername · Yesterday 15:33

everyoldsock · Yesterday 15:31

Not a chance would I lend a huge sum of money to anyone. Giving it away, fine, but I would have to be in a very fortunate financial situation to be able to do that (big savings and investments, mortgage paid off or nearly, nice pension, kids set up for university etc). Otherwise I wouldn’t take the risk of not being paid back the money because of how impactful it would be.

The OP is saying they could afford to lose the money if it wasn't paid back though. It can't be impactful.

everyoldsock · Yesterday 15:31

Not a chance would I lend a huge sum of money to anyone. Giving it away, fine, but I would have to be in a very fortunate financial situation to be able to do that (big savings and investments, mortgage paid off or nearly, nice pension, kids set up for university etc). Otherwise I wouldn’t take the risk of not being paid back the money because of how impactful it would be.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:30

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:28

Rich people problems

Not really rich but we have savings and no debts. I appreciate we are very fortunate.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · Yesterday 15:29

if your friend hadn’t been able to help you, would you have had to have found the thousands to fix the problem? Or would you just not have gone ahead, or found an alternative?

if yes, then I think you should lend them the money.

I should add, I lent a friend money, never got it back, and lost the friendship.

HoppityBun · Yesterday 15:29

I have in the past lent sums to different people. One friend asked me because she knew that if I lent it to her, I wouldn’t make a fuss about it and remind her again and again of the favour I’ve done. She paid it back, as I was fairly sure she would. But had she not that would’ve changed the friendship. That would also not have been true to the person that she is and that I believed her to be at the time.

I also lent money to somebody else who I didn’t trust so well and I got them to acknowledge in writing the debt and how they would repay it. Which they did do.

What I’m not sure about from the original post is whether the friend considers that this loan would be away of returning the favour that was done to you in the past, OP. Awkward if that is the case.

But as you can apparently afford to lose the money, and that’s a good way of thinking of the worst case scenario, I would go ahead and do it if the friendship means a lot to me.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:29

Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:29

They are a really good friend. I’m just unsure because I read the threads on here about lending money and the answer is almost universally no, so I don’t want to impulsively say yes, I’m thinking it through.

Show quote history

Mumsnet is weird. So many friendships aren’t actually friendships.

In your shoes I definitely would.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:29

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:24

It spends entirely on the friendship.

If i could for my two oldest and closest friends - I would without a nano second’s hesitation. Because I love and trust them like close family.

The fact you’re asking AIBU would indicate that maybe not a relationship like that

They are a really good friend. I’m just unsure because I read the threads on here about lending money and the answer is almost universally no, so I don’t want to impulsively say yes, I’m thinking it through.

OP posts:
Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:28

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:28

Rich people problems

Weird.

Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:28

Tell us about the length and trust and quality of the friendship. Because Mumsnet friendships often tend to be more like enemies

DogsandFlowers · Yesterday 15:28

Rich people problems

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:27

JulietOscarBoring · Yesterday 15:21

I'm not sure, how does the amount she is asking to borrow compare to the amount she saved you?

Amount is about half or two thirds of what we saved because of friend.

OP posts:
FrankAbagnalesLies · Yesterday 15:27

Only lend them the money if you can afford to give it to them as a gift. These types of loans are rarely paid back.

Original poster
Mamma1383838 · Yesterday 15:26

Coconutter24 · Yesterday 15:20

No, if they want something that’s just nice to have then they save for it themselves. What if you decide in a few months you’d like to do something or have something expensive but you can’t afford to because you’ve loaned your money to a friend?

There’s a time limit on the nice to have. We can afford to lend/lose and still have other nice to haves (we are lucky I know). DH is normally super cautious about money and he is about to indulge in a rare expensive purchase, and he’s still open to lending it because he trusts my friend.

OP posts:
Keepitsimples · Yesterday 15:24

It spends entirely on the friendship.

If i could for my two oldest and closest friends - I would without a nano second’s hesitation. Because I love and trust them like close family.

The fact you’re asking AIBU would indicate that maybe not a relationship like that

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · Yesterday 15:24

Need far more information to be able to comment.

Who are they to you?
What did they do for you?
How much money and what for?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · Yesterday 15:23

a child or parent yes unless there was drugs gambling involved.

A sibling ... probably.

Anyone else.... no. Just say your savings are invested long term and the funds cant be accessed.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · Yesterday 15:21

I’d compromise. Decide what you’d be willing to lend / to lose and offer to lend them that instead. When people ask friends for a loan, they must be mindful that even a bank with many millions in reserve may decide to say no to a risky loan, so a friend has even more right to decline.

JulietOscarBoring · Yesterday 15:21

I'm not sure, how does the amount she is asking to borrow compare to the amount she saved you?

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