to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

Nobody on here has said they can't enjoy themselves without alcohol but as a host, I would not want to invite other people and tell them they cannot drink. It's not the right thing to do at all.

If she was hosting and saying there won't be alcohol, that means that people can decline to accept but telling someone else how they will run their own hosted event has some brass neckery.

Firstly, it is unreasonable to expect/demand that traditional family celebrations and practices be suspended at one person's behest for the comfort of a person that is not family, but a guest of a family member that may or may not become family.

Secondly, the food, the alcohol, the traditions, they're all integral. One of my best Christmas memories is my MIL and me making the Christmas trifle, and getting very happily tipsy, as we poured one for the trifle, and one for us. We love a mimosa in the mornings as we unwrap stockings. Mine is alcohol free now, but it's not something we'd give up happily. We love buying special wines for Christmas, and I still very much enjoy tracking down THE bottle of red for DH to enjoy. I'm still trying to figure out alcohol free baileys, because it was great to wrap presents to! So yes, it is a big ask for one of the big days of feasting and tradition to excise a significant part of it, whether you're teetotal or not. Particularly when you are asking/demanding it of a large number of people, over a number of generations.

There is absolutely no need, and no reason, to be insulting about how people choose to celebrate and enjoy this time, it's possible to be respectful and compassionate about a person's individual struggles without requiring everybody else to change what they enjoy or do around them.

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if OP's sister didn't have a bit of form for trying to control things, and making everything about her and how she wants them to be, and this wasn't just one more chapter where you need to decide whether to indulge this current demand or educate her that the world doesn't necessarily accede to the stamp of her dainty wee foot.

Many can and do. I'm not bothered but i certainly wouldn't make anyone abstain because an alcoholic was visiting.

@OonaStubbs

i can enjoy myself without alcohol but I have an even better time with it 🤷‍♀️

I do think they could just come for some of it if everyone refuses to give up alcohol for a few days. Not a big deal to me but we don't drink ourselves. Posters on here are BU not to understand that alcoholics can't be around alcohol though

Far better plan for sister to spend Christmas with partner and his family

I don't think that's fair. Say in our household for example, Christmas is the only time of the year when my DH has to take mandatory leave for 1-2 weeks. So he likes to enjoy drinks everyday over the whole festive period.

He can't just have a drink at any other time due to his work and also needing to drive.

I'm a non-drinker, so it's not hard for me, but I don't see why people who are enjoying time off work or with their families should have to refrain from having a wee drink or more just because she has decided that she'd rather her new boyfriend spend Christmas with her family, than his.

I'd guess the new boyfriend would be mortified about all of this, and it's all OP's sister's doing.

You must know how unusual it is to propose within 4 months.

The fact that you considered each other as family did not mean your extended family automatically thought of them as family.

regardless the Op will get to know this man - but this takes time and doesn’t need to be rushed. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

His needs over the Christmas period do not take precedence over the Host and family’s wishes.

The OP has no problem with making Christmas dinner alcohol free.

It's the sister who is insisting on a 3 day stay. (Which I suspect the boyfriend wishes to avoid on any terms...)

Nope. If she wants an alcohol free Christmas then she can host one. She can invite people to hers on the clear basis that there'll be no alcohol allowed and people can then make their own decision about attending Christmas at hers.
Cheeky fucker.

IMO it is sad that people cannot cope/"enjoy themselves" without using alcohol.

Your sister is driving this not him. He’s obviously happy to visit his own family.

You’re offering a very reasonable compromise for part of the Christmas festivities that your sister should accept especially since this is a very new relationship.

I have had to give up both alcohol and vaping which I did together a year and a quarter ago due to oral cancer. You just have to get on with life and adjust. Alcohol is everywhere. All over TV programs and literally everywhere on a sunshine beach style holiday. Up and down the high street in restaurants bars and shops.

It is something that I navigate daily with certain pressure points but I would never ever expect others to not drink. My partner enjoys weekends with gin and tonic. I have to enjoy the alcohol free options.

Your sister needs to calm down and let him dictate what he is comfortable with and not insist that everyone remains AF to suit him as the rest of his life has alcohol circulating around him.

I'm so glad someone has said this! That was my first thought too and what I would do. You can get some pretty acceptable alternatives nowadays.

Having said that, there seems to be more going on than just the alcohol issue, like whether he'd rather spend Christmas with his sister and whether he's family.

Your sister is being a brat. Her new boyfriend is more than happy to spend it with his sister who is having an alcohol-free Christmas, yet instead she's choosing to create a problem by insisting he comes to yours and that all of you change your plans for a "Merry Christmas". He's not family, he's a new boyfriend, and she's being ridiculous with her bratty behaviour.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable! She is being unreasonable to even ask.Go ahead with your normal Christmas plans if he can’t be in the presence of alcohol then maybe he/they shouldn’t be there.You can’t revolve everybody’s christmas around one person.I don’t drink myself just a personal choice but alcohol for most is a big enjoyment over the festive period it’s all about indulging

No, I wouldn't acquiesce to this request. Champagne, Baileys, gin, wine etc etc all feature heavily in this household from Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day.

If I were the OP, I would be very cross with the sister. Not so much because of the booze / no booze but because she is pushing for such a new boyfriend to be treated as one of the family. I’ve had friends who do this - they turn up with a Weird Man who we have to accommodate in all sorts of ways. Christmas is a terrible time to do this. Everyone is out of routine.

My DH proposed in four months. So we'd have considered each other family by then.

Regardless, if my family member introduced a new partner at Christmas I'd be making an effort to include them and get to know them.

Absolutely this - it would likely be his worst nightmare. It’s Dsis who’s driving this.

It should be enough for your sister to stand sober with him then he’s not alone

You wouldn’t be doing them any favours unless they were very early on in recovery - certainly not at three years in. Part of recovery is learning to navigate a world in which alcohol exists. Alcoholics don’t live in a bubble and someone who is truly in recovery would tell you that their addiction is theirs to manage and they don’t expect others to accommodate them at their own expense.

I actually think that the alcohol is a bit of a red herring.

For his own reasons (he has said alcohol) this man would rather spend Christmas with his own family and then see his (newish) girlfriend afterwards. It would be graceful of her to cheerfully agree but she hasn’t. She is likely to push him away by being so pushy.

Can you imagine being this man? He wanted to spend Christmas with his sister but was “persuaded” to go to a house full of people he doesn’t know. And they have all been told that he is an alcoholic and that they can’t drink. This sounds like a horrible, stressful Christmas for him.

@intrepidpanda

it is actually. Who wants to give up Buck’s Fizz over breakfast? Afternoon cocktails? Wine over dinner? Digestif in the evening? All nice.

The thing is if you take it in turns, when you go to hers in 2027 there won't be any alcohol then either so she is expecting you to have non alcoholic Christmases until the end of time or until he dumps her or she dumps him. Bugger that. I have five drinks I never touch all year because I have one of each of them over Xmas as a tradition. I would not give that up. They are the taste and smell of Christmas as far as I'm concerned.

If he’s off alcohol he needs to guard against such times as Christmas when alcohol use is seen as normal. If he’s been doing it for three years, surely he is able to cope. Especially if he’s in a 12 step program or equivalent.