to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

YANBU

How does he manage around alcohol the other 51 weeks of the year?

I suspect she’s worried, probably based on recent experience, that he’ll fall spectacularly off the wagon and embarrass himself, and her.

If she’s having to manage his interactions to this degree after 5 months together, when he should be trying his very hardest to be impressive, she is obviously very insecure about his stability and the relationship is doomed. I wouldn’t worry about Christmas too much as I predict it will all be moot by then anyway.

DH and I do not drink - we have both had issues with alcohol in the past and gave up a few years ago.

We don't expect others to abstain in front of us. It is something you have to get used to, or lead a very limited life. We like to have soft drinks or coffee or lunch in a pub, for example. It's unrealistic to avoid the sight of anyone having an alcoholic drink, ever. Yes, it can be hard sometimes when temptation strikes, I won't deny it, but seeing others drink isn't the only thing that can bring on a craving. You have to keep saying 'no' to yourself, that's the nature of giving up or managing an addiction.

I think you are being more than accommodating with your offer of an alcohol free Christmas dinner.

If he had been sober for 3 years, surely he has been around people drinking, as host I wouldn't take full responsibility for what any other adult does, it's their choice if they want to drink or not.

But has he mentioned it to anyone even his gf?

I think you’re being really fair and compromising by saying you’ll start drinking after X time.

I personally would be saying he can’t come anyway - it’s not normal to spend Xmas with someone you’ve only been with for 6 months, especially inviting them to your family Xmas that’s batshit!

Absolutely no way. Not going to happen. Similar to vegans, vegetarians; I’m happy to provide suitable alternatives for them and ensure they are well fed but the ‘people who do’ take priority over the ‘people who don’t’. Meaning, you can choose to abstain from anything you don’t like or want but you don’t dictate what others do.
If I had a veggie who demanded no meat on Xmas day they will have the choice of coming and eating the suitable food I’ve provided and allowing others to eat meat or not coming at all. Same for the non drinker. Simple. No one dictates what others can and can’t do.

I would say no to this.
The fact that your sister is in a relationship with an alcoholic who's recovery is so tenuous he cannot be around people drinking, and 5 months in, she thinks he's 'family' and his support should be centred isn't something I'd be encouraging.
Because either she's on a mission and wants to enlist you all, she doesn't trust him around alcohol, or the request has come from him in the form of an ultimatum that she's bending over backwards to meet.
She's lost sight of what is reasonable in her urge to 'save' this man, and in her mind he has a status its far too early for. And I'd not be enabling my sister in any of those things, for her own sake.

It’d be a hard no from me. I host Christmas every year. I can’t imagine getting through a Christmas Day with my mother without a few Vinos. If he can’t manage, he might have to sit this one out.

The general advice is that it’s a bad idea to put a newly sober recovering alcoholic into any situation involving alcohol, but he’s three years sober, so l’m another one wondering if this is just Dsis overstepping. Or indeed, that he’s not as sober as she’s making out.

OP l would be asking whether he has made this request or whether she is asking for herself, and if so what are the reasons. I’d make it clear that the invitation still stands on the understanding that there will be alcohol, as well as a selection of soft/alcohol free drinks. If he feels as though that will be challenging for him then best not to come - it’s a personal decision only he can make. Apart from anything else it’s setting a precedent. If it turns out to be a long term relationship are they going to expect every event to be alcohol free ?

OP, so long as you have in some alcohol-free drinks, I think you’ve done your bit. Your DSis is being V unreasonable - if her new bloke chooses to come to yours for Christmas (and being in a relationship since May most certainly does not make him “family”) then he can choose not to drink alcohol, and others can choose to have a glass of wine or whatever. The thing about being an alcoholic is you have to know that while you can’t drink, others can and will, and it’s unreasonable to expect them not to, especially on celebratory occasions.

YABVU to think an array of interesting alcoholic drinks are provided for the drinkers but nondrinkers should be expected to put up with just ginger beer.

Your sister could choose not to drink with him, but it's unfair of her to ask everyone to abstain. Ask if there's a favourite alcohol free drink you can get in for him and make sure the rest of the family know not to offer him alcohol - that's a sensible level of supportiveness.

We don’t actually know this is coming from him… he might be mortified if he knew!

My brother is alcoholic, gave up through rehab. Lives with my mother who loves her wine. When we suggested non alcoholic for her he refused saying that he has to get used to alcohol being around. He drops into his local almost every day and drinks orange juice or whatever.
The sister’s partner needs to grow a set. Three years in and not near alcohol, I don’t believe it. He can drink non alcoholic sparkling wines, white wines and loads of non alcoholic gins etc.
why not suggest making non alcoholic cocktails.
incidentally haven’t yet found a non alcoholic red wine worth drinking unless topped up to be a Sangria.

OMG - she sounds a delight 🤣😅

Nothing against veganism but the entitlement of imposing that on everyone else - while they are hosting you no less- and after 9 months?! just WOW

Right?!

Poor guy. Does he know your sister has requested this? I would not want to be the new partner who had forced everyone to be alcohol free over Christmas because of my drink problem. That would be very embarrassing.

He doesn't know the OP's family, he is hardly going to be requesting this outlandish request himself as it would be incredibly rude to even suggest such a thing.

Pair? But what has the bf actually done or said in all of this?

That’s an excellent point - do they never go to a restaurant?

I’d make it clear that you will have plenty of what he drinks in, whether it’s non- alcoholic beer or soft drinks, and the wine bottle could be not left on the table or near him, but you will not be restricting other people’s drinking. I don’t drink a lot but I would not accept this. We provide veggie Christmas dinner for DS’s GF, but we would not agree to no
meat for the rest of us.

My spidey senses would be tingling. The audacity of the pair of them! This man is a virtual stranger, not only to you but also to your sister. They have been together for 4 months, it is a massive red flag and an imposition that he is dictating and emotionally blackmailing your family -indirectly via your sister- what your family eats and drinks over the Christmas period, otherwise your sister won't be present.

Most people haven't even made a relationship official after 4 months, does he not have his own family or friends to spend Christmas with? I really wouldn't want a random man that my sister has known for 4 months staying in my house for 3 nights, imposing on my family Christmas and dictating what we drink. If you are intent on still inviting him, please ensure that you provide champagne and nibbles to greet your guests.

Most people have knickers older that your sisters 'relationship'. On that basis alone I would be buying in extra wine and gin for the family!

This is a really good point. No boyfriend of 5 months is family!

Partner is doing a lot of heavy lifting there of a boyfriend of 5 months...as if someone is family after a few weeks 😂😂

It's perfectly acceptable for him not to attend the first Christmas at your "partner's" family. He can just see his family that day.