to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

If alcohol is more important to you than your relationships, then crack on.

It’s so strange to see this used in the context of a non drinker being around people who do not have any issues with alcohol drinking moderately at family gatherings and celebrations, because this extreme stance would normally be reserved for situations where a person has a drinking problem and is actively causing harm to their loved ones.

Drinking alcohol is a completely normal thing for people to do. I can’t fathom why anyone would expect an entire family group to forgo consuming alcohol on Christmas Day because of one person, who isn’t even a family member.

It’s not about alcohol being more important, the issue is being dictated to about what you and your family can and cannot do, in your own home, on Christmas Day. There is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol. Why would anyone think it acceptable to try and exert this level of control over others?

Don't hold your breath waiting for a sensible answer to that one 😄.

But why does that only work one way for you? You don’t apply the same principle to the sister ?

As I said, crack on. I’d prefer to have a good relationship with the people I care about.

OP has offered to make the lunch/dinner booze free, just not the whole 3 days so your point is moot. It’s actually the sister who has a decision to make, compromise or don’t go at all

One of my best friends has been in recovery for 18 months and always comes to parties where there is alochol. She has never once asked for no alochol. She says if she thinks she couldn't handle being around alochol then she wouldn't go. I always ensure I have a selection of alochol free drinks for her and she really appreciates this gesture.

And I'd also welcome a new partner etc, but not at the expense of everyone else's enjoyment. It's quite normal and healthy for my hard working adult son to come back home for a couple of days and have some beers.

I think that's unusual, I wouldn't expect a boyfriend of six months family or to have to adapt family plans for them. Each to their own though.

You can change it. Just go back and click on the other option - you’ll see the tick change places.

Don't be ridiculous. Many people can go for months without drinking. However a nice wine or champagne can compliment food. The OP waa perfectly happy to not have alcohol served at Christmas dinner, which was nice of her, as she doesn't even know this man.
And yes, I had two recovering alcoholics in my family. Christmas went ahead with wine for some and Schloer or whatever served with dinner for non drinkers.
Many alcohol recovery programnes teach that the onus is on the alcoholic to take control of their sobriety , not everyone else to accommodate them. They have to make the " choice" not to drink. Atv3 years sober, he should have learned that by now.

We eat goose if it’s just us, turkey if my in laws come (because they won’t eat goose). It’s a bit off topic but Christmas lunch is a weird, annoying thing. You spend the year being an accountant / actuary / underwriter then at Christmas you are supposed to transform into an accomplished Edwardian cook who can magic up enormous banquets for 18 at a time. It’s very important that turkey / goose is perfect, despite never cooking it any other time.

My friend has been in rehabilitation for alcohol and he tries to avoid putting himself in situations that may tempt him however hes really into sport and has a big group of mates. He also cant control what every else does but he can control his own actions. He still goes to the pub and if we stay over at friends houses he takes himself off to bed early.
But the key here is you should all go about your normal lives. He has to make the changes not you. So he needs to have the self control if he wants to join in and if he cant then he needs to make alternative plans, not you.

I will add for me this is not about alcohol but whether everybody’s choice of food / drink should be controlled because of one invitee.

It’s no different to a vegetarian insisting on a full vegetarian Christmas at somebody else’s Christmas event because they personally don’t want to be around meat. Or rather their partner insisting on that for them.

I don’t eat pork and find being at dinner parties / events with no pork products a lot easier to manage. I would never insist others go without pork for my benefit. If it’s too hard for me to compromise I would just stay away.

I don't know anyone who eats turkey at Christmas ... us included. Turkey is tasteless imo. We prefer a nice prime rib for the family event.

Cool misogyny.

Your sister is taking the piss. She can whatever rules she wants when she hosts. You can have your own rules. You made a fair compromise.

It’s for her partner to manage his own alcoholism, not to make decisions for when and what others can drink.

Alcohol isn't important to me but freedom of choice is. Its obviously ok in your world for the ops sister to dictate if she or any other adults are allowed to have a drink at a wedding, party or other gatherings for the rest of their lives (assuming this relationship goes the distance) even if they are hosting.

Fair enough, but it wouldn't do for me. And not because I can't live without a drink, I'm a very moderate drinker and have seen alcoholism first hand through a family member. But I just don't believe one person should be able to dictate to a whole group of adults what their choices are. God help them if the sister and partner also decide to go vegan!

How does he cope if he goes to a restaurant for a meal, does he insist that that they clear the shelves of any alcohol before he will step foot over the threshold.

How does he cope when he nips to the supermarket to buy some bread and milk and there is alcohol there.

He is an apparent grown up so it is up to him to say no to the alcohol as he has the issues with alcohol it is not for everybody else to alter their behaviours. If he doesn’t like that he can always stay at home.

I have a friend who is totally alcohol free. A few years ago, they drank to excess. Frequently

anyway, when we meet now, i still have a drink. They have alc free beer. Didnt occur to me to change my behaviour because of theirs

they have never suggested we dont go to the pub and go to a coffee shop instead

I don't think this is about 'alcohol being more important than relationships', its about the sisters respect for her family and those relationships being more important than a 6 month boyfriend ( or any month, actually).

I'd be mighty pissed off and being dictated to in this way and it would take the sheen off xmas day.

I'd be mortified in the boyfriends shoes to put this on the hosts. Wonder whose idea it was?

No, you truly don't understand alcoholism. You can make the environment dry, sure, thereby making a huge elephant of the whole thing which is not helpful to anyone and actually causes low level resentment and awkwardness for this man going forward. But if someone truly wants to drink they'll get it from somewhere else, regardless. Doing this will only cause the issues I've mentioned. Growing up with two alcohol dependent parents I can tell you this would not be the way to go.

I do both.

You sister is being unreasonable. I may be biased but I was in a relationship with an alcoholic ( sorry, dependent drinker) and sometimes negotiating their sobriety was even more of a challenge than their active addiction. I am not saying this is true of all individuals in recovery, and staying in recovery is hard work. BUT like it or not, social drinking especially at certain times is part of our culture. Everyone who wants a drink should have one, without having to take on the 'alcohol addiction ' baggage of your sister's partner.He has done well to stay sober so long, and he should have the tools in place and AA support especially around that time of the year. If he thinks he is in danger of relapse he should avoid the occasion, and come to some agreement with your sister about her attendance ( she could spend xmas day with him) . It is HIS issue. The problem I always found that I was always on tenterhooks around drinking/alcohol and my partner and I don't think it is fair for your sister to expect you and the rest of your family to be be the same. Has your sister got form for dictating terms for family events?

I think a three day stay is more than a social occasion and it’s perfectly fair for the boyfriend to express a preference for Christmas at his sister’s with less booze. It doesn’t have to mean that he is about to fall off the wagon.

It is the sister who is insisting that they must stay for 3 days and there must be no alcohol.

Spot on!