to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

That'd be a hard NO from me.

She's only been with him a few months. Have you spent much time with him @ChristmasDrinking ?

Too soon in a relationship to ask and too much to ask.

If I had a celiac visiting, I would ensure there were separately prepared, cooked and served gluten free options.
I wouldn't make every piece of food in every meal gluten free.

This is what people are suggesting,. they would provide alcohol free options.

My DM is a recovering alcoholic so I do understand that it's tough for him. 3 years sounds like a long time but he'll still be struggling and my DM didn't stop struggling being around alcohol for a lot longer than 3 years.

I think your suggestion of an alcohol free Christmas dinner was a very generous one. It's your sisters choice to date someone with an alcohol issue and she can't demand that everyone stops drinking for him.

My DM kept alcohol out of her own house but other than that she didn't demand anything else from anyone.

The offer you have made is more than reasonable

He still has alcohol issues.

She just won’t be able to come along because of him and that is her choice to make but will she never ever be able go to a pub or restaurant again? She needs to ask herself if this is the life she wants.

She’s being ridiculous, and so is he.

I don’t drink, so I’m not someone who thinks everything needs alcohol! But I also don’t try to stop others drinking. 3 years sober is not the same as if he’d just recently quit - he can’t expect to never be around alcohol.

She’s been with him less than 6 months, he’s not family!

Yanbu. She/her partner have the choice to be around alcohol for the whole visit, or to just come for Christmas Day when you have very kindly agreed to forgo alcohol for his benefit.

Does this man never ever socialise? It’s impossible to avoid parties and events where there is alcohol unless you never go anywhere.

I too don’t drink any alcohol at all - among the joys of middle-age came an allergy to it that means I can’t any more. I’d love to have the occasional glass of red wine or gin & tonic but I just can’t, as I know I’d be too ill.

But I attend social events where alcohol is present, of course I do! It’s everywhere and I can’t stop that. There’s no possible scenario in which I’d try and dictate whether other people can drink or not - your DSis is being absurd, OP.

I can enjoy a celebration without alcohol i just dont like having a dictator around more than not drinking

It matters hugely how many months the sister has been in the relationship and it matters hugely that she believes this man can't be around alcohol.
Most people have indeed come at this from their own perspective, that the day would be spoiled without alcohol. I personally don't share that, but would still not be encouraging this.
My priority would be my sister, who seems to have cast herself in the role of saviour and 'family' to an alcoholic she's known 5 months who's recovery is fragile. She shouldn't be encouraged in that. It's bad for her.

NO NO NO!

Does this boyfriend go to AA meetings or is he managing to stay sober by himself?

Ideally, your sister needs to go to an AA type meeting for family and friends affected by other peoples drinking, because she clearly doesn’t understand that no-one else can control whether someone continues to stay sober. She might think she is his saviour, but she’s deluding herself.

My DH went into Rehab and stopped drinking in his late 30’s and has now been sober for over 20 years and we regularly host parties with alcohol. Heck, he’s even got a reputation for mixing amazing cocktails, both alcoholic and non alcoholic.

Sobriety is all about choice and if her boyfriend or your sister thinks he’ll struggle to stay sober with people drinking around him, then HE needs to choose to stay away for now. It’s that simple!

I agree with PPs, I suspect this is all her bright idea and he hasn’t actually requested anything.

If he’s been sober for 3 years then he knows that his sobriety is his responsibility and his alone.

if he was coeliac or allergic the Op would probably offer a different dish for him. Just as she has offered different drinks for him.

It is the new boyfriend who had the toxic relationship with alcohol, not everyone else. It is pretty standard in British homes of people who drink alcohol for there to be more alcohol over Christmas.

the sister is free to make a request. But she cannot make a demand.

Absolutely no way would I ban alcohol. Thats a him problem.

She’s being unreasonable

does she not go out to pubs or restaurants? Does she ask them to stop selling alcohol? Does she not see friends? Or does she impose the same rule with them ie. No alcohol

it’s not resonance to expect however many people over three days to stop stinking for one person

its her partners responsibility to put in place measures to stop himself not have it done for him by penalising everyone else and I say that as a non drinker

You have been generous enough to do one meal with no alcohol. I would just tell her that’s the deal and she can let you know

If he has genuinely been sober for three years and they've only been together 5 months, it sounds as though he has done this by himself, for himself rather than needing to be rescued - and kudos to him for that.

I wonder if it's just that Christmas is particularly difficult for him. Part of giving up drinking is breaking the habit and forming new habits. E.g. if you always drink on a Saturday afternoon, you have a Saturday afternoon every week in which to form a new habit, but Christmas only happens once a year, so the habit is harder to break, if that makes any sense - same for birthdays, holidays etc.

Nonetheless he - or your sister - can't expect the whole family to change their traditions. Plenty of people are able to drink moderately and sensibly, if you aren't one of them - like me - you just have to accept it as bad luck in life's lottery, like having poor eyesight or short legs or a rubbish memory or whatever else you'd change about yourself if you could.

If his sobriety might wobble from being around other people drinking, I would suggest that it is not yet sufficiently muscular for him to be in a relationship. It's something you have to really concentrate on.

I think this too. I don't believe she's being honest with you, @ChristmasDrinking . Either that or he's not being honest with her. If he's been truly sober for 3 years, then people drinking around him shouldn't be an issue. If he's just better at controlling his behaviour when he's drinking, or not drinking as much, or even not drinking but struggling with that, he is not sober and it very well might be a problem in the Christmas situation. I wonder where they go together usually, where they can guarantee no one is drinking within sight, smell or sound of them?
You've offered the perfect solution for them but I do think your other guests might well be a bit put out not to have a drink with their meal, not even something for a toast.
Your celebrations are for everyone that you've invited, not just your sister and definitely not for someone your other guests probably barely know. She's your sister, OP - are you unable to have an honest conversation with her about it all?

If he’s been sober for three years what are his normal strategies for coping around alcohol? It’s hard to avoid in our society.

I'm lost for words reading the majority answers on this thread. Many of you have a toxic relationship with alcohol if you can't enjoy a family celebration without it.

It doesn't matter how many months the OP's sister has been with her partner/boyfriend. She's made the request because he's a recovering alcoholic and wants to help him enjoy the family get together without addiction triggers.

If he was celiac or had an alergy to certain foods, the OP would adjust the menu. But because it's alcohol, the sister is being unreasonable.

Some of you really need to think about why you can't have fun without alcohol.

Er no.

That's batshit.

Nope 👎 we are not big drinkers, will probably have a glass or two with Christmas dinner but thats about it, its not the alcohol free Christmas that would bug me, its the fact she will have only been seeing this man for 7 months come Christmas and she expects you all to give up your Christmas traditions for basically a stranger, if its come from him then he has some bloody gall to expect this from people he barely knows and if its come from her then she needs to stop trying to control him and trust he can be around alcohol without slipping.

My own DDad was a recovered alcoholic and we all just carried on as normal at big events but would NEVER offer or add brandy to the Xmas pudding. It’s his issue to deal with, yes it makes it harder, but that’s just life.

Sounds like he’s potentially clinging on to his sobriety and she’s trying to rescue him . She can’t and neither can you. If he finds it too difficult to be around alcohol I wonder if he’s said he won’t come and she’s trying to make it so he has no excuses not to come.