to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

I guess it depends on if you're the kind of family where one thimble full of sherry with the King's speech is the norm or you're all getting shit faced and falling all over the shop - she'd BU in the first instance but I'm not sure she would be about the second. Doesn't sound like it from your op though.

Hard disagree with 'they've only been together 6 months so he's not family' though. Some of us were engaged/married within that timeline.

As a previous poster just said, if he had an allergy, the OP would make him a separate meal. Just as she’s presumably perfectly happy to buy in the 0% alcoholic drinks of his choice. The “vegan who won’t come if there’s meat on the table” is the better analogy - and everyone has also agreed that woman is unreasonable. People would be prepared to buy a nice vegan alternative for her, but not skew their own preferences and traditions. Which is entirely reasonable.

Imagine if a guest was obese and getting hard to lose weight. Would it be reasonable to say “no cakes, chocolates or puddings while he’s here Christmas Eve to Boxing Day”? No. And I could just as easily make your point - “nobody needs empty calories like that - what a toxic relationship you must have with food if you can’t enjoy a family celebration without vats of excess sugar”. It’s the same - one person doesn’t get to dictate to others. All that’s reasonable is to ask others to be aware and be as considerate as possible.

I’m sober and it’s not realistic for her to ask that. Alcohol is a big part of Xmas for people who can drink in moderation. If his sobriety is still so vulnerable after 3 years then he needs to seek further help as he’s only remaining sober by separating himself from normal life. I think it was kind to offer a sober dinner.

Also your sister is taking too much on in terms of his sobriety. It’s not hers to protect and preserve and she’s being a bit of a saviour here. He needs to remain sober for himself or remove himself from the scenario. His sobriety is nobody else’s responsibility.

Just say no.

I agree to an extent and that's certainly how I used to use it in my drinking days.

But I can't agree it's not a tradition. How many people drink once a year, at Christmas - only having literally one or two drinks - and leave it at that? That's how my parents were, that's how many people are - they can drink very sparingly and harmlessly, and it's part of their Christmas routine to factor in a glass or sherry or wine.

It's similar for that kind of person to the idea of having traditional roast meat at Christmas. Yes, they could live with a nut roast or whatever vegan/vegetarian dish is popular, they might even find it tasty, but they wouldn't want to break their tradition - 'Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a turkey'. And why should they, for someone they barely know?

If you've given up like me because you cannot moderate, you just have to grit your teeth when Auntie Sue is having her annual sweet sherry and remind yourself that one sip of it will lead to you drinking everything in the house, getting drunk, quite possibly embarrassing yourself and spending Boxing Day lying in bed wanting to die.

She is being unreasonable. You have offered a fair compromise. Had they been together more than a few months I might be more open to a dry Christmas.

I am not, but if i said to a host i am allergic to seafood so no one is allowed to eat it at all i would be controlling

Your sister has not even been seeing this guy for 6 months- honestly I’ve had longer relationships with items in the back of my fridge! 😂 She might consider him family but you certainly don’t have to yet.
Speaking from my own experience, I gave up alcohol as I realised I had developed a problematic relationship with it, and it would never have even occurred to me to try police other people’s drinking. I read a lot of ‘quit lit’ at the time, and the emphasis is very much on how you handle your reactions to various situations, not trying to manage everyone else. And I’d be mortified if someone decided to make this request on my behalf. So I’m not sure if it’s him being controlling or her, but no, you are not being unreasonable.

Your sister's boyfriend isn't "family" - he would be if she marries him but while he's a boyfriend he's a visitor. He has freedom to choose where to spend Christmas and if being in a place where alcohol is being consumed by other people doesn't work for him, he doesn't have to accept the invitation. Yanbu.

Dating for less than six months, not family. Still very much in the honeymoon period. Your sister (assuming it’s the sister driving this) is being completely unreasonable.

If it’s him driving this then there are bigger issues. If he’s apparently been sober for 3 years but can’t be around alcohol in a very normal social situation, 🚩he still has issues.

Also, given you describe yourself as having adult DC, I assume your sister and her boyfriend are at least Mid 40s/50s. It would seem unusual to me that he would be spending several days over Xmas with a girlfriend of only a few months and doesn’t have any family of his own to see?

Did she meet him in May ir has she known him a while? If she met him in May what's the backstory as to why he's spending Christmas with the in laws so soon and she's so quick to say he is family and protect him like this? Is he estranged from his own family?

I'd be worried about the relationship and how sober he is and what his baggage is because this is a bit full on after a few months.

Did you not read my post? You might not need alcohol (I don’t, I barely ever drink) but that doesn’t mean you should be dictated to that you can’t have that glass of port that you enjoy with your cheese board every Christmas.

There’s a big difference between needing alcohol and enjoying one drink occasionally because you enjoy the taste. That is a world away from a “toxic” relationship with alcohol 🙄

I don’t drink and am coeliac.

I don’t expect others to have no alcohol, just like I don’t expect them to have a totally gluten free menu. It’s nice for them to provide gluten free options for me, as I would for anyone with an allergy who I was hosting.

If alcohol is a need to enjoy a celebration, there is a toxic relationship with it. I love seafoof but I don't need, or miss it, on the menu to have a great time/meal/celebration.

Not being dramatic. Just calling it as it is.

We are alcohol free. We don’t drink. But at Christmas I accommodate our guests who do. Don’t be so sanctimonious.

ETA we accommodate guests all year round.

Can the veggies dictate no meat

Give an alcohol free Christmas a try. You might all find you enjoy it.

My husband has a drink problem and no longer drinks and even I have a few drinks in the house occasional and will at Christmas 🤷‍♀️ he’s fine with it as doesn’t want me to have to change my life

I think this post is rage bait, nobody is going to call someone family they've been dating for a few months. If it's real then your sister is surely making assumptions as I doubt anyone whose gone three years without drinking is going to lose it at a family Christmas. I doubt she's asked him and she's potentially embarrassed him.

Bil is an alcoholic. My sister now just does her own thing with him and my nephew at Christmas. They haven't been to a family NYE get together for years now as a result, or even my birthday meal recently (a simple evening meal out) or my aunt's 80th I think when you choose a life with an alcoholic, you have to accept that unfortunately you may become more isolated from loved ones as a result if they cannot be around alcohol - unless you are willing to do things on your own. Many will get to a point where they can tolerate small amounts of time around others drinking alcohol, once they are sufficiently recovered, for many (like my bil) the risk is always there. It sounds like your sister's partner is at an early stage, but she cannot expect you to change your whole Christmas. You have offered a compromise.

shes been with him 5 minutes and is calling him her DP?

they may not even make it to Christmas

no. Tell her no, that she doesn’t get to change everything for everyone because of a bloke she’s just met.

put her back in her box.

I think your offer re no alcohol with dinner was generous and a kind compromise to accommodate her new boyfriend. For her to insist that the whole day is without alcohol is unreasonable- there is no compromise on their part.

Nonetheless he - or your sister - can't expect the whole family to change their traditions. Plenty of people are able to drink moderately and sensibly,

Alcohol is not a tradition, it's an addiction used in many societies to self medicate by raising seratonin levels to deal with depression, unhapiness and anxiety and have fun.

Sensible drinkers don't factor alcohol in their lives - they enjoy a casual drink but is never a problem having family, friends or neighbours sitting at the table if alchohol is a trigger for even just one person.

He's not family, and while you'd need alcohol-free drinks for him/others, no way in hell would I ban alcohol because of this person. And I don't even drink.

It’s not about a toxic relationship with alcohol, it’s about the “needs” of a near-stranger dictating what everyone else is allowed to do.

Personally I hardly drink at all and it wouldn’t bother me to have an alcohol-free Christmas but I would still say no to this request as it’s not reasonable.

If I have a coeliac or a vegan in the family (which I actually do!) then I’d cater for their needs accordingly but I wouldn’t stop other people eating meat or foods containing gluten, I just ensure there is no cross contamination.

You’re so overly dramatic with the “toxic” remark. It’s about the principle, not the fact that people can’t survive without their Buck’s Fizz on Christmas morning.