to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

I think your sister wants him around to play happy families and show him off over Christmas. I think he's not so sure and would rather be with his family so he has used the alcohol thing as a handy excuse. Your sister is trying to find a way to eradicate this issue by making yours a dry Christmas so he has no reason not to come.

I'm not being sanctimonious, I'm not alcohol free but I'd give an alcohol free Christmas a go to accommodate an ex-alcoholic. People can still have fun without alcohol but it sounds like the sisters partner couldn't have fun being around it and could be at risk of relapse so it would be an easy decision for me.

As someone who rarerly drinks, apart from on holiday and on Christmas Day, my sister’s boyfriend could get fucked.

That is a ridiculous request. People in recovery for alcohol addiction don't usually request that no one around them drinks. If they can't be around alcohol, they work on that via AA and they don't accept invitations such as the multi-day Christmas with a large family until they can. If this is coming from him, he has a lot more recovery work to do and he and your sis should have Xmas alone together. If it's coming from your sis, she needs to know that this is unnecessary and it's not how this works. The person with the illness takes steps to deal with it. They don't try to arrange the world around them, because that's not recovery.

Put your foot down, OP, otherwise you'll be stuck with this nonsense every time you see them as long as they're together, which could be forever.

It's a real CF request.

So she wants to spend Christmas with him but he hasn’t invited her to spend it with his family so she is trying to make her family all adapt their day so she can convince him to come with her.
Maybe he just wants to spend it with his own family rather than a girlfriend of 7 months and the alcohol is a good reason to get her off his back. Either way your sister sounds desperado and is definitely the issue here rather than him.

Agree with @watchingthishtread as well and this is the actual truth behind the request.

Here are my views, IF he was recently sober then your offer of a dry dinner is generous and kind. It would be his responsibility to remove himself if alcohol around is too much.

If he is three years sober he should/would have developed some coping skills including alternative drinks. My husband drinks non-alcoholic beer. Or even limiting his social exposure - but the emphasis is on him to change and not everyone else accommodate. That goes too far.

Now, I can only speak for my husband (who has been sober for long stretches over the past 20 years) and that is social events are still a challenge when there is alcohol involved - but it is his challenge and his choice to make in situations.

Nope to all of it

I hardly ever drink, almost nothing during term times, and have plenty of fun without alcohol. But I do enjoy a glass of something at a concert or over the holidays with my family. Most of my extended family is the same. That is not a toxic relationship with alcohol; far from it. And as most families have very little downtime together these days and times to celebrate, a bit of alcohol at the holidays doesn't mean they're toxic or unable to have fun without it.

The real world has alcohol. OP's sister's new partner is well aware of this and lives in that world. I imagine they go to restaurants and events where alcohol is served.

Allergies is a false equivalence. Allergies to certain foods means alternatives to foods they can't eat would be provided. Same for drinks.

They're also a new relationship; he's not family. And he has real family alternatives if he doesn't want to be around a new partner's family celebration that includes a bit of alcohol.

YANBU. It’s his responsibility not to drink. If
he can’t manage that then he shouldn’t come.

People are free to do what they want in their lives. But if my sister had a boyfriend coming for Christmas who would sit at my table and made the request of no alcohol because he's recovering from the addiction, I wouldn't hesitate. I would do the same for coeliac/allergies or vegetarians with the extra menu work. A recovering alcoholic doesn't need the extra work, it needs to avoid triggers.

My last year's Christmas Eve dinner had 25 people sitting at the table with lots of wine, beers and spirits available - 2 bottles of wine were opened, the red was mostly untouched, and half the white was gone. That's it. Nothing else alcoholic was touched but almost 2 dozen of big sparkling water bottles disappeared.

My opinion may not be popular but it's the honest one I can give the OP.

Well, I'd say two weeks is definitely wedding bell time! 😁

That’s your very narrow opinion.

Plenty of people drink good wine because of the way it sets off a good meal. For example.

Alcohol misuse does obviously cause problems. Most of the people on this thread are saying ‘they don’t drink much but….’

It is a tradition to celebrate with a bottle of champagne. Most isn’t all that strong and a glass each for 6 is not a toxic relationship with alcohol,

“he suggested she spends Christmas with us but without him due to the alcohol issue and that he would spend it with his sister and husband who won’t be drinking”

So this would suggest he can’t be around alcohol even after three years sober. Does he never go out? Alcohol exists in most venues. Does he avoid every event he’s ever invited to? Or maybe he’s not actually sober and does still have a problem.

Something feels off here. He's been sober for 3 years you said? He's surely been around other people drinking alcohol in that time?
It doesn't sound like you're all caning it and greeting him with a mandatory shot on arrival. Could you ask him directly rather than your sister?

Ridiculous request. I'm 12 years sober and would never expect any gathering to be alcohol free to cater to me. Not drinking alcohol is my personal responsibility.

How many weeks do you have to be shagging someone before you officially become part of their family?

I think you've done more than enough offering an alcohol free Christmas dinner! People should be able to have options and it's not fair to restrict everyone else because of one person.

Oh sorry cross posted that he does have his own family!

OK then they have options as a couple, spend it with his sister that’s alcohol free, spend it together where they can dictate what’s served, spend it with you, where only part of the 3 days will be alcohol free. Or do a combination of all 3 over all 3 days, picking the bits that work best for them as a couple.

If your sister has been single for a long time, she may well have got out of the habit of having to compromise to see both sides/ fit in different family traditions.

@watchingthishtread spot on ….

I think YANBU at all! She has a fair compromise for the dry Christmas Day. You are remarkably kind to have 3 days at your home anyway.She will have to sort it out herself .If your other guests want to bring a bottle thats up to them, you can hardly confiscate it!

So it sounds like he’s happy for them to spend it apart, she wants you all to change plans so that he can come, and he hasn’t suggested she go with him to his family. Does he even want to spend Christmas with you rather than his sister and nieces/nephews? Sounds like your sister is coming up with a solution to a problem that isn’t really there.

Have you checked with the rest of the adults who will be there if they agree to an alcohol free Christmas dinner, because I’d be looking at making alternative arrangements if I were them.

Yes if they were engaged/married after a few months then they’d have made a lifelong commitment so he’d be part of the family.

But they’re not, he’s a boyfriend of 5 months.

If alcohol is a need to enjoy a celebration, there is a toxic relationship with it. I love seafoof but I don't need, or miss it, on the menu to have a great time/meal/celebration.

Seafood isn’t the appropriate comparator, though. That’d be like saying that the OP’s sister had requested no nuts around because her partner had an allergy. My DH lives a cashew at Christmas, but would understand and be happy enough with olives or crisps. “No alcohol” is likr saying “no sweets or cake” at a children’s party. It fundamentally changes the tone and even the format of the occasion.

I guess the biggest red flag here @ChristmasDrinking- is that this is a man with a history of addictions who seems to have no family or friends of his own to spend Christmas with. They’ve only been dating since May, and he wants to join her family Christmas, going to all of it, not just say, joining for Boxing Day or Christmas Eve then spending the rest of the time with his own family.

It says a lot about the dependence on alcohol if you can’t enjoy Christmas without drinking! He’s done very well to get sober and bring around people drinking is very difficult. Perhaps a compromise of only having wine with the meal and not all through the evening and day?