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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD18 and DH48 arguing

57 replies

13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 22:48

First post ever.

This afternoon, dd18 and dh48 who is the father of dd had an argument over what seemed like nothing.
I will say that dd can be argumentative at times and winds me up at times, also I feel dh treats her differently to ds17 who is quiet and laid back and never really argues. This argument ended in dh roaring and shouting at dd who does stand up for herself, dh is screaming at her to 'shut up' and he can't stand her answering back. He leaves to go out somewhere in the car, she goes up to her room, she later comes down very upset, and is crying quite alot, I will say that dd is not a cryer and it was a shock to see her like this.
I feel like an arsehole because if I saw a much older man shouting this way at at 18yr old girl/young lady in the street I really think I would have stepped in and asked if she was okay/needed help. Yet for my own daughter I stay in the adjacent room and listen to it escalate for a minute. Im not at all scared that my dh would ever be physical with dd or myself, I know he would never do that, yet I feel like I should have gone through to diffuse the situation but maybe I subconsciously never as I know he would turn on me and say I always take her side.
I will say my dh is 99% of the time a quiet man, doesnt like drama but I feel over the yrs he's turning into his dad, can't take a joke anymore, feels like any banter at work is people picking on him and just lacks the ability to have a laugh at himself anymore.
Not sure what my aibu is, but I'm still dwelling on it, and I know he is, he hasn't even gone up to say goodnight to them or shout up goodnight to them, despite their age it's what he does but not tonight!

I worry if I died, and dd in the future had a boyfriend/partner/husband who screamed and shouted at her like this, would she just accept this as normal because her own dad has treated her like this a couple of times, and not feel able to tell her dad about it.

We're all just carrying on as if nothings happened, last time he lost his temper he felt awful and apologised. I hate this situation.

my dad and i got on well but my goodness we would have have liads of arguements/debates but he never shouted at me like dh did to dd. Advise??

OP posts:
Original poster
13amielsaoranna · Yesterday 23:15

I know teenagers and parents arguing is part of growing up, and I know he should apologise. I really thought he would this evening. I know if I told him she was in tears he'd be devastated as we know shes not someone who crys. He apologised after the last big argument as he felt terrible. He did take himself away from the situation. Im not condoning what he did at all, there is no reason he needed to shout like that, I just wonder if they'll be a time where they can get along.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · Yesterday 23:13

I think it's hard to say without knowing what the argument was about, who was right / wrong. If she had a difference of opinion with him and he was shouting at her for nothing then no that's not OK. If she had done something stupid or hurtful and kept doing it then sometimes parents are going to lose their temper.

IndieRocknRoll · Yesterday 23:12

I’m on the fence. I think he needs to find a way to rein it in but bloody hell teenagers can occasionally push your buttons. I’ve yelled at my son before at the end of my tether when he’s just been on at me relentlessly.
If it becomes a regular thing it needs to be addressed but everyone is human and has the occasional lapse.

IButtleSir · Yesterday 23:08

Yeah, you absolutely should not be allowing your husband to shout at your daughter. Arguing is normal, but his job as her parent is to model a calm, respectful disagreement, and your job as her other parent is to pull him up if he's failing in that. No one ever needs to shout at another person.

Giraffehaver · Yesterday 23:07

You should have a chat with dh in a quiet moment and explain how you see it and he should grow up and walk away if things threaten to get heated

ExtraOnions · Yesterday 23:06

Parents and Teenagers have arguments.. they just do, it’s one of those things.

I don’t think it’s a pre-cursor behaviour in a future relationship. His behaviour in the 18 years prior to the argument is more likely that, and the relationship you model yourself.

DecisionTime123 · Yesterday 22:59

Your husband is a spiteful bully and you need to protect your daughter. You need to tell him you won't tolerate him behaving like that and that he needs to apologise. How long has your daughter been bullied like this?