Confused nanny

That's what she's been asked to do: "My son tells me to call up whenever..."

Your grandson's mum looks down in the fact your son was brought up in a council house? Really? And yet she let him knock her up.

That's really silly if the son is working and she's not!
I never expected family to ring my husband, disturbing him at work, when I was just home with the babies. Once you get married, you're all family, and I always knew I would look after my MIL just as much as my mum. She is the mother of the man I love, so it's important to care about her and get a good relationship going, and she should be able to message (better than phoning) and arrange to see her grandchildren, whether she's related through a male or a female!
But talk to her, and ask what she wants.

Ok, I take the point about nanny. I really thought she meant she was a nanny-childminder and therefore great with babies. I still think eight times is a lot. It’s every week and a half.

As the OP works full-time, any suggestions of dropping in during the day aren’t likely to work, unless she does shifts, of course.

Many a new mother is going to be keener to see her own parents/mum rather than her husband’s. It’s a normal dynamic.

The OP saying that the DIL clearly doesn’t like her makes her sound a bit dramatic and extreme.

Yeah I mean you sound like my mil, probs not as bad. Forgot my DS 1st birthday have seen 2.5yr old and just over 1 year old a handful of times. My parents see them pretty much everyday, granted they live 10mins away, she lives 45mins away, but still, never messages me to ask how they are, anything. If you want a relationship you need to do more, it’s not on your DIL to facilitate the relationship between you and your grandchild. It’s on you and your son so please don’t use her as the excuse.

I love my MIL. Not all are awful and many DIL love the support abd company. Ask her when you can pop in for an hour or so to give her chance to get a shower etc. or if there’s any particular time she’d like help.

You’re reading too much into it Op. people get annoyed with MIL when they pop round daily, criticise the mother, take over the baby, expect to be waited on etc. as long as you don’t do those things then you’ll be fine!

How much did you see the dil before the baby came?

4 times is less than once a fortnight that's not a lot for someone who lives nearby.
Don't think OP is saying she's a nanny; that's what she is to the child (ie Granny/Nanny)

Just message her. My mum used to come to me on one day, and my SIL another day each week. My SIL loved it. It gave her time to shower, wash her hair, eat a hot meal without baby attached to her. As she got more comforting, my mum would take the little one in the pram for a few hours each week. My SIL really appreciated that time.

This is spot on advice!

What jumps out at me is that they go to her parents every weekend. Why don't they come to you at the weekend? I understand it is hard to feel you can just drop in on DIL during the week because not everyone likes this.

On the other hand DS has indicated that popping in any time is welcome and perhaps that is genuinely the case.

In terms of frequency, weekly is probably reasonable on both sides as a minimum. But yes start by talking to DS and explain you feel awkward calling in uninvited and what does he suggest. Is there something you could do to help DIL out that could become a bit of a routine way of seeing them?

I'm not really sure it's up to your son to say just call round whenever because you are nanny!

Do you already have a good relationship with your DIL?

Do you take an interest in her as well when you visit?

How limiting is it to visit when your son is also there?

Can you simply be honest with DinL? Can you arrange Togo over and say directly to her that you’d love to help but don’t want to crowd her or step on her toes. So tell her you’re happy to by led by her. If she doesn’t suggest anything you could suggest going once a week to start with and let her know what you could do to help.

I was paranoid about not overstepping when my first DGS was born. I subsequently found out that my DIL thought I wasn’t interested in being involved, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Thankfully we both made overtures over the months and now, years later, we couldn’t be closer. My advice would be to ask her if there’s anything you can do to help, if she fancies meeting up
for a coffee, if you can pop round with a coffee and a cake etc and hope things develop from there.

I'd just message and randomly ask she may think your not as interested as she would want you to be and if she didn't want to see you she could make up an excuse why you shouldn't go.

Meanwhile, in real life, adults sort their own arrangements.

I see my PIL way more than DH does. Especially and more so when babies were born.

forge your own relationship with your DIL, not one reliant on anyone else. If they are going to her parents every weekend she is perhaps open to help?

Four times in ten weeks seems a normal amount/quite a lot. Obviously, you need to call or message suggesting some days or times. You can’t just turn up. Why do you think you don’t need an invite? That’s a bit odd. And why does it make any difference if you’re a nanny or not?

10 weeks is in the nightmare time! I’d suggest saying to DIL I’d love to come see you Wednesday or Thursday can you tell me what time works for you … then expect to be told at short notice. My children were a nightmare, feeding, sleeping and me relaxing at random times, I never for the whole making my baby work around my schedule and that kinda worked for us! So don’t expect a certain time just say I’ll meet you for coffee at XYZ or come to you and bring snacks/biscuits etc and just stay a short time

Well don't start trying to hang out with her every day if you rarely spoke before the baby but you could try phoning her like she's another adult instead of going through your son.

Offer to bring lunch or take her and baby out for cake and coffee. Be available at whatever time works for her current schedule. Be friendly and hang out for an hour or so. Build it up if it goes well. Such a young baby, she probably isn't doing tons of groups yet so filling the days can be a bit of a slow. She may be quite happy with a weekly morning catch up or so.

I think just text her and say you’d like to see her, is there a good time to pop by or meet for a coffee? Maybe offer to bring some food??

do you get on with her?

I much prefer people booking a time and checking rather than dropping by unannounced

Text her. Hi, could I pop in for an hour this morning, or tomorrow? If she says yes, stay for exactly an hour, play with the baby and ask if you can help with any jobs. It should be fine.

She may be wondering why you are not dropping in, with warning obviously, it would seem strange to me that you wouldn't come unless her DH was there.

Talk to her like an adult? She's a whole ass person not just an incubator