Confused nanny

Op no hard and set rules espeically on the advice you read here.
Call or text the mum to ask of you can pop on for a visit...does she need help or anything?
When of what time suits etc
The past is the past and a low income family usually installs a strong family or work ethic...well has some.
This is a new generation you can only try make a nice healthy relationship betweeb gc and her mum.
I really like extended family imput.
No rules apply to trying to be a grandparent.. best gift ever.

I had to read that a couple of times. I think she means her son has told her she doesn't need an invite but she feels she can't just show up.

4 times in 10weeks is nothing unless youre talking hours of journey times

there is an arrangement where I get nappies and formula every week and drop them up. I was asked at start to leave them at the doorstep which I respect.

I wouldn't have.
I'm not the Amazon deliver person or Just Eat.
That's shocking.

I agree with most that you should just message and ask when you can pop in for an hour.
Although now you've said you work full time, it is a bit different from what most people were thinking. However, if you work FT, then presumably when you are able to go, it is likely to be when your ds is home anyway ?

Really? You’ve read multiple threads where MIL has good relationship with DIl and doesn’t just turn up expecting to be entertained and waited on and people have insisted the DH needs to be there? I can’t recall ever seeing that.

If you’ve got a good relationship and you’re going to go round and bring her something she needs/wants or offer help that she needs/wants or at least not be expecting to be waited on like an honoured guest, then just get in touch and ask when would be best,

I doubt it’s that she doesn’t like you. It would just be that she’s in the middle of a very chaotic stage. Trying to sort out naps, keep the house in basic order, and manage her own sleep deprivation.

I’d be trying to visit on the weekends as much as possible when your son is home. It will get easier and there will be more flexibility as the baby gets older.

Er no. Four times in ten weeks is hardly anytime at all, if you live fairly close to them. People just turn up around here, nothing odd about it.

Four times in 10 weeks is plenty.

Definitely don’t just show up - send a text and ask. My MIL tried showing up and I hated it - always being on edge when she would appear. At 10 weeks I was still adjusting to mum life so she may be the same and actually either want to be in her own or she might welcome the help!

Every relationship is different, so it's hard to give blanket advice. I think it's good if you can be honest with your DIL. I don't think your son should have told you that you can just go whenever though. He doesn't get to decide that works for her time when he's not there.

I would have loved to have had a regular visit with my MIL. I'd want her to be coming to see me though, not just ignore me and come to see baby. I wanted a relationship with my MIL. She just wanted a relationship with my child and for me to become invisible if she was there. As a result, we had no relationship and she rarely saw her grandchild. I wasn't using a significant chunk of my week to organise and facilitate my own exclusion and disregard. I'd suggest develop your relationship with DIL and the relationship with the grandchild will happen naturally out of that (most likely). No guarantees your DIL feels the same way.

You’re working full time, you aren’t going to see the baby that much. You’re going to have completely different routines.

That’s a bit cheeky. That would be an ideal time to pop in and see the baby.

Your son says you don’t need an invite so just call in, also invite them to yours on a weekend just keep inviting them even if they say no, do t just meekly go off into the night. There is nothing wrong with wanting to invite your family over as long as you don’t use it for means of control or to be unkind when they are there. You don’t want them to turn around in 5 years and say well you never invited us and by this time it would be too late.

Honestly the fondest memories, and he'd always listen and try buy gadgets to help with parenting, like formula containers. He passed away and my son recalls so much about him and he was 2. We all miss him so much! ❤️ I always try to be like him for other new parents xx

My MIL will say “let me know when you’re up for a visit and we’ll get our diaries out and find a date”.

i like that as it puts the ball in my court but isn’t too much pressure/having to run around to clean up last minute if she tells me she’s dropping by.

Sociable guy, you were lucky. Probably helped him a huge amount too.

Start building your own relationship with the DIL. Treat it as you would a friendship. Call to see if you could pop round to see the baby, and whilst there begin getting to know DIL without your son there.

She hardly looks down on ‘council estate’ as she wouldn’t have got and stayed with your son. I think this is all in your head. Move past this and begin bonding. Small bursts at first. Be helpful when there.

My ILs didn't really do much when I was on mat leave, but my husbands grandad asked if I'd like to go to a cafe with him, we went every Tuesday for lunch and he'd drive. I absolutely loved having a catch up with him whilst spending time with his great grandson. It was organised in advance and suited all. He was a absolute gem of a man, and it made my lonely weeks have a bit of structure and we'd chat away.

I'd reach out and say, how are you doing? How's baby? Id love to regularly spend time with you both, is there a time/day that would suit you? Would you like me to come to you for a brew or we could go out together?
Reach out it may be surprise you 🥰❤️

I don't think she means that - can also mean "call up to the house"

She sounds absolutely nothing like your MIL. She’s here actively asking what she should do because she wants to help. There’s nothing to suggest she’ll forget her GC’s first birthday or only see the GC a “handful” of times.

if you’ve been on MN for any time you’ll know that most people say to the DIL to let the son deal with MIL and manage the meetings etc. I’m sorry your husband/partner hasn't facilitated that relationship for your children.

I think buying the nappies and formula for them is better than any “thoughtful” gifts. And even then they still don’t invite her in.

If you can only visit in the evening or weekends, and they visit the DIL’s parents at the weekends, that really only leaves the evening, and I assume they’ll be settling the baby to sleep then. So that is a bit tricky.

Don’t just turn up, ask dil if there is a good time for you to go. Offer to look after the baby whilst she does something either in or out of the house and she might be very grateful:

What is your relationship like with your daughter in law? Are you a good friend to her, do you cheer her on and praise her to others? Do you make an effort with her, for instance thoughtful gifts, bringing her favourite foods or treats when you visit?

I have five sons and no daughters - I've made an effort to get to know my DILs and be a good friend to them, treat them as I would my sons. They're both lovely women. I hope that when they do have children that I will be welcome and I will do all I can to support them.