Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boarding school houseparent life

17 replies

extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 19:37

my husband and I are houseparents in a boarding school. i am really struggling with the job, and quite frankly, would like to not work for a few years while our kids are still young.

We are not very extravagant people, and this is the second live in boarding job for me. I have always been a bit of a saver, and started investing a few years ago. I took ownership of the family money, and our portfolio has now reached 1 million. My goal was always to use this for retirement, or to retire early, but now I want to use some of this money now if I need to.

The big problem is my husband does not want to leave the job, and we have a joint role. I have grown to hate how intrusive it is, and how we (especially him) are always looking after other people’s kids, sometimes at the expense of our own.

I recognise the benefits, and there are many, but I’m struggling so much with it at the moment. He won’t commit to doing one more year or give me a timeframe for how much longer he wants to do this.

He genuinely seems to enjoy the job, and likes the financial benefits. I’ve spoken to him, explained, but he just says we can make a few changes in the boarding house to make things better. He doesn’t seem to care that we also have no time for us. We work evenings, so once the kids are asleep, we are on duty wjth the boarders. We work every other weekend, and I dread those weekends.

How can I move forward with this? I’m so sad to be missing out on time with my kids when they’re young, and feel I will regret all this work when they are older and dont want to be with us as much.

OP posts:
nothingcangowrongnow · Yesterday 19:41

Put a time scale on it. It’s a good role financially but not for your mental health and actually living.

TeenToTwenties · Yesterday 19:46

It must be nice though with the holidays, neither of you working and time with the children?
Or are you teachers as well so loads of planning work to do then too?

extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 19:49

The holidays are great. We are teachers, but don’t teach a full timetable due to the houseparent role. So not much planning to do. We barely do anything to do with work over the holidays. The odd little thing. There are definitely benefits to the job, the holidays being a big one. It really is an all or nothing job. And when were working , it’s so full on. We went out for lunch today (our weekend off) and my husband was on the phone for half of it due to a few problems in the house. One boy needed to go to hospital, and another more minor one to do with tennis lessons that had gone unattended today for some reason. We’re just never off.

OP posts:
extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 20:07

nothingcangowrongnow · Yesterday 19:41

Put a time scale on it. It’s a good role financially but not for your mental health and actually living.

Definitely want to put a timeframe on it, and every time I ask my husband àbout this, he won’t say anything. It drives me mad.

OP posts:
Shortbreadel · Yesterday 20:12

Not a helpful comment to what you are asking but although you seem like you're exhausted and ready to stop, you sound like really good involved house parents. I went to boarding school nd the house parents were awful

Smallbrowndog · Yesterday 20:19

I think you need to be clear to your husband that you are not going to do the job anymore, and give him a date - end of this term, end of this school year? If it means you both lose your houseparent jobs, so be it, he'll have to accept that as you simply won't be available.

You have the funds to buy a house - even if you split and end up with just half of your savings - and you can get a regular teaching job.

He doesn't get to exercise a veto on how you live your life.

extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 20:54

Shortbreadel · Yesterday 20:12

Not a helpful comment to what you are asking but although you seem like you're exhausted and ready to stop, you sound like really good involved house parents. I went to boarding school nd the house parents were awful

Thanks. I actually feel like I’m not doing anything very well, and falling short a bit in all areas, kids, work, and myself.

i have to find a few times in the week, usually in between lessons, to go for a run, otherwise I just feel even more terrible. I still crave more me time and dream daily about not working….

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · Yesterday 20:59

Are your dc getting a good quality of life? Are they getting privileges they wouldn’t otherwise, and that you may undervalue?

I empathise with your feelings, but equally can see the advantages that he’s reluctant to give up. Can you reduce your role personally? Not officially so much as, being less dedicated.

Sunnybeachday · Yesterday 21:01

Nothing useful to add, except admiration for all that you so. The houseparents at my daughter’s school are nothing short of amazing. I realise that there are perks, but during term time, there’s no space for breathing and this seems to be the accepted norm.

extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 21:07

They do have an incredible quality of life, partly because we live in Switzerland. I love where we live.

I am considering asking not to teach from next year. I will have more free time in the day, so could hopefully not have my daughter in nursery as much as she is now. We will take a financial hit maybe. Which we are ok with, or they may ask my husband to take on my teaching hours. He said he is prepared to do this for us, but he’s already so over run. I feel bad adding to his work load. It won’t change our evenings or weekends, but maybe I need to try to remind myself more of the positives.

i had this big idea that I would leave and teach violin privately, lessons are insanely expensive. But then I realised I’d have to teach evenings and weekends of course! Which is exactly what I don’t want.

OP posts:
Swanned · Yesterday 22:39

extracurricularsomuch · Yesterday 20:07

Definitely want to put a timeframe on it, and every time I ask my husband àbout this, he won’t say anything. It drives me mad.

Could you take half a mil and leave the relationship?

Marymanna · Yesterday 22:45

You say you dream of not working but is that realistic? Im sure most of us would love to give up work but can't due to finances. Would you want a 9 to 5 job where you have free weekends and evenings, but only 4-5 weeks holiday a year?

Fidgety31 · Yesterday 22:56

It sounds like you don’t want to work at all and you want your husband to work more to accommodate that ?!
You don’t want term time working but you don’t want 9-5 either and you don’t want evenings or weekend!
Give your head a wobble - you can’t have your cake and eat it !!

Sgtmajormummy · Yesterday 22:56

Don’t disregard the benefits lost if you leave or reduce your contract.

I had a friend whose father was a CofE minister. He took over a parish that included pastoral care at a nearby boarding school. He definitely had a vocation for the work and as a benefit all his kids went there as day pupils on full bursary. Smart move.

Floppyearedlab · Yesterday 22:58

Would it be possible to remain at the school just in teaching roles but not do the boarding element?

Sgtmajormummy · Yesterday 23:07

You’re probably feeling stretched thin with your own young children needing individual time with their parents.
You can’t be all things to everybody so maybe take it in turns to be the one “on call” or “parenting” that night. What age are the youngest pupils? They probably need mothering, too.
A perfect recipe for burnout…

SetralineQueen · Yesterday 23:26

I work as a House Parent, but it's a Monday to Friday role. The boarding house I work in has a House Master and an Assistant House Master that do the 24/7 care and they are residential. The HsM has a family, but they don't 'work' in the boarding house. Is that a better option you could look at? Your husband would still get to do what he wants to, but you could be more available for your children?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread