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Original poster

Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

207 replies

Disappointee · Yesterday 19:33

DP and me have just had a blazing argument about the same issue and I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish idiot or whether I’m just asking for normal stuff?

have been with DP for 7 years. We broke up for a 2 month period in 2020 (covid). During that time he slept with other people and ultimately had a child from this. He wasn’t told until DSC was 9 months. We broke up again after this and got back together when DSC was 18 months. It was hard, but I love him, and I love DSC as well. There’s been hard times, with DSC mum, but ultimately I’ve always strived to maintain a sense of calm with everyone for the sake of DSC. DSC is 5.

We have DSC every Friday - Monday. Me and DP work full time. DPs first priority has to be DSC. I do understand that.

However, we are ultimately roommates at this point in time. Our schedules leave very little time in the week for anything remotely intimate, and weekends focus on DSC (as they should).

My issue is that we’ve spoken about the need to maintain intimacy and to be a couple. This weekend, we had a movie night with DSC, theme park today and a visit to my mum and dads for a roast tomorrow (all with DSC). I have zero issue with this - weekends are family time for us.

My issue is that DP said 2 weeks ago that he would see if DSC wanted a sleepover at his ninnies (GP) tonight. DSC was excited and loves ninnie. I said to DP this morning that I’d found a nice place to eat, and we would all go to his mums to drop DSC, wait until he’s asleep and then go out. DP then said he’s forgot to ask his mum. He then rung her and asked if she could mind him tonight - she had plans. Absolutely fine, it was short notice and there’s always next week/another time.

DSC bed time routine starts around 630. Calmer, more relaxing activities, usually a bath and then a bed time story. He is asleep for 715/30.

DP decided to take DSC to the shop at 6 today, didn’t get back until 7. DSC hasn’t had dinner at this point, is overstimulated and no signs of going to sleep. This is a usual occurrence on Saturdays, and he is so exhausted the next day. Bed time drifts to around 830/9.

DP said I’m unreasonable to be slightly annoyed at this because it’s “DSC weekend” and he wants to spend as much time as possible with him. I do get that.

I’m a bit upset that I was mentally preparing for a date night, and now it’s another family night. We usually end up dosing off around 9/930 as the days are so full on!

Aibu to think bedtimes should stay consistent for DSC, to keep him from being exhausted, but also to give us some adult time? Or am I being an evil stepmum? 😔

OP posts:
maggisimpson · Yesterday 19:48

Could be lots of reasons why a weekday/weekend childcare split works - dad works in the week, mum works weekends for example.

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 19:46

Lsquiggles · Yesterday 19:38

Missing the point here but her mother doesn't have weekends with her at all?!

I thought that too. Highly unusual.

fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 19:46

If you want to have a serious relationship with someone with a child then you need to understand you come second. If you want regular dates and 1 to 1 time and all the focus to be on you (nothing wrong with that) then you need to date childless men

maggisimpson · Yesterday 19:46

It's normal for bedtimes to be a little later at the weekend.
Normal for weekends with small children to be full on as well.

But you should definitely expect some date nights - why not book a babysitter yourself?

The 9.30 bedtime for you seems the strangest thing to me. It's only 3 nights a week that you have a child, why are you going to bed so early?
You're getting a full night's sleep all week 🤔

What about Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday evenings? Can you not have a date night any of those nights?

The 7.30 bedtime isn't going to last much longer anyway, as your stepson gets older it will naturally become 8.30, then 9.30.

MakingLasagne · Yesterday 19:43

There’s a lot to unpack here. I’m assuming DSC is 5?

Firstly, there’s the broader relationship point. How is your relationship with DP? Do you feel you’ve truly got past everything that happened in 2020/21?

Second, why do you have DSC every weekend? It’s inevitable that eats into your time together - surely it’s better for DSC to spend some time with mum that isn’t Mon-Fri?

Third, surely you can have intimate couple time in the week - unlike parents of a kid together you can go out to dinner and have a shag on a Wednesday if you fancy without needing babysitters?

Fourth, you’re right that a consistent bedtime for a 5yo is a good thing, but it’s not the end of the world if occasionally that system slips. I’ve just got my 4yo and 6yo down but there will be Saturdays where it goes a bit haywire.

It sounds on the face of it that DP is trying to be a good dad and the contact schedule reflects that, but equally I’m wondering if there’s a deeper issue (with DC being concieved during your break) - some resentment on your part and/or DP overcompensating and being a bit Disney dad.

That said you get 5 nights a week as a couple so I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re not getting couple time.

Makebelieveanotherlife · Yesterday 19:40

I think you were incredibly foolish to get back with him in such a complicated situation when you don’t even have kids of your own? As you will see you are second, as it should be. But if you had your own child you will easily see how kids don’t tend to follow a rigid schedule all the time. I would just walk away from this situation as there really isn’t much in it for you

Lsquiggles · Yesterday 19:38

Missing the point here but her mother doesn't have weekends with her at all?!