Stepmum wanting consistent bedtimes and some adult time at weekends?

My 5 year old is in bed at 7ish on a school night, not necessarily asleep we read books usually and then he’s normally asleep for half 7. On a weekend he does tend to go to bed later but I think 5 is still quite young for a later bedtime during the week when they’ve got school.

This is not a life I'd want tbh. Yes kids come first but it sounds like there is no accommodation initiative or compromise from DP. It sounds like there is little keeping you together other than the focus on the child.

It's admirable that your DP wants to spend so much time with his child. However, this is very much to the detriment of your relationship and I would be re-thinking the relationship and probably making plans to leave.

He was very quick to have unprotected sex with other people after your split up and your relationship has completely changed due to his careless sexual behaviour. I wouldn't be able to get past this.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, me and my partner got together when my elder daughter was 5 and it was always a priority for me to keep consistency and routine even at the weekends so that we could have an evening together and also because I was knackered!

OP, please listen to the posters on here. I know it must seem very difficult for you to leave, but you will bitterly regret wasting your life on this man and his situation.

Why can’t mum have some weekends - even is she works then - not sure is that’s the case - but very strange to never have your child fri to tue

you didn’t have dc so not really sure why you got back the 2nd time you split up as it’s a lot to take on and complicated

yes a routine /bedtime is important - 5am awake is crazy but at 5 quite capable of being quiet /going back to sleep with persistentence and boundaries

once child is asleep why can’t you shut their /your door to have sex

and open it again after

so due to partner working the evenings you don’t have child you never have time together alone

no reason why you can’t have date night and have granny or a babysitter once a month

sounds like you do a lot. Does he ever do stuff alone with his child or are you more mum then he is dad

if you want kids I don’t see this getting any better and would seriously think about ending it and finding a new relationship

If this child is with you 4 nights every week surely you are the primary residence for this child?

You dont just 'have him at weekends' he lives with you!! And visits his mum 3 nights per week?

What an incredibly difficult situation. Step parenting is challenging enough, but when you've been together for only 4 years taking out your 'breaks' and the child came along during your relationship rather than well before it, you have your work cut out to remain in this relationship without a great deal of resentment.
Add to this the fact that he clearly (and correctly) wants to prioritise his child, its every weekend, and his parenting doesn't fit with your ideas of how it should be done (and its always going to be him that decides, not you, for years and years), this relationship is going to require far more work and compromise than I'd want to take on. Especially if I wanted DC of my own.

Sorry op it’s probably not what you want to hear but you shouldn’t have got back with him. I don’t think I could’ve got past him getting someone pregnant, it’s really tough looking after someone else’s child especially with mom in the background, you feel your life is controlled by the ex. Throw on if you do have kids with your partner, you will see just how much that changes things and even your feelings towards your dsd, sounds blunt but it just the reality.

I can’t believe you are wasting your life taking someone else’s five year old to theme parks on Saturdays when you want children of your own.

You are living like flatmates with a man instead of making your own family. He is actively avoiding spending adult time with you but you are still going to bloody theme parks. He forgot to ask his mum to babysit did he? Or is it just easier for him not to bother and then he doesn’t have to take his girlfriend out on a date.

This was my exact reaction to the OP too. Having unprotected sex with randos (and you know it wasn't a serious relationship, it was too short a time) is gross enough in regular times. Getting casually intimate during a pandemic is irresponsible and disgusting, what a turn off.

Throw in the love child and the long working hours and I really don't see the appeal of this man.

Why on earth did you get back with this guy at this point?! Break up again and make it permanent. He’s got too much going on, and you need a relationship where you feel prioritised. Don’t give up your whole life and dreams for a bloke!

Quite.

Also, @Marycontrarygardenpls don’t copy the entire long OP in your response. It’s totally unnecessary and annoying having to scroll through it.

Good lord, you are doing all this for a partner?

Has he asked you to marry him? He should be cherishing the ground you walk on…

Also, if you broke up you would have no further right of contact with that little girl. All your love and care, for what?

having your own children is fine - you don’t have to throw yourself on the pyre of martyrdom. The problem on MN is that having stepchildren means bestowing them a god-like status where nobody else can have an opinion or life.

I'm not saying op has done anything wrong I'm saying this isn't going to work and if I was childless I would prefer to date childless men

I would find a man who did something so irresponsible to be a major turn-off. He goes and has unprotected sex, getting someone else pregnant, almost as soon as you broke up? Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Being a stepmum is a thankless job. You spend lots of your time and energy on someone else's child, all for them to grow up and quite possibly not consider you family. As someone else said, there's not a lot for you in this. Even if you marry him and have a child of your own, your family size might be limited to one child because your DP will already have two and may not feel able to support three. Then you've got the family of a stranger (the child's mum) being around forever

If I were you, OP, I'd start again with a fresh one, not one who's already got a child. Of course, this depends how old you are and if you want kids. But the lack of care and organisation around something as important as his fertility would have me running for the hills. It's the sort of thing you expect from a fifteen-year-old. No mature, competent man does this. And what else might he have caught while shagging strangers bareback? Just grim.

So strange that he won’t shut the doors even for 30 mins to have some intimacy

You're absolutely correct; it would be pretty dreadful.

So why spend these fertile years caring for another woman’s child, without much acknowledgment let alone affection from your chosen partner, and all in the knowledge that you are in precisely the wrong place to ever have your own child?

Seconded, with bells on. Scram.

Omg. You want children but are wasting your life in a relationship where it might not be easy/welcome and where you are not happy because you don’t spend enough time with your partner. Why? Even if there was no history of breaking up and getting back together and he just came with a child it would be HARD for a woman without kids and possibly not worth it. But especially with history like that and given that he wa dumb enough to have a child in a 2 month fling, honestly..

I think you should cut your losses and move on and find a relationship where you will be happy and where you have a chance to have your own children as an equal partner

Yet woman keep on having children with what they call selfish men, they ignore the red flags.

Op he is a father and acting like one that is what parents do

What you are describing is just parenting. That you don’t have your own child probably makes it feel less rewarding, but it’s perfectly normal.
the young child phase of life means couple time is rare and found in moments. When dd was that age, sometimes DH and I met up over lunch on a weekday just to chat. Sometimes we managed to meet up for a more interesting lunch break.

I think this too. I think you should say to him it’s not working for you and you need to leave, but if you accidentally get pregnant it’s wonderful to know you can just get back together and he will move heaven and earth to bring up your child, never go out again, never have a date again. Or maybe he won’t, because selfish men only think of what others can do for them.

Yes this. Sorry OP as you clearly wanted this to work and you've tried so hard. But it will be at the cost of yourself and almost certainly of having your own children. It's too high a price. You're still young, you have a life ahead of you if only you can seize the chance and leave this man.