Aibu husband lending money without telling me

I think they must have been, she’s paying for the food shopping in 10p coins.

YANBU and your dh is completely in the wrong.

However, why did you spend all of your £4k savings on a car which left you with nothing and using 10ps to buy your shopping and living off toast?

Why didn’t you buy a cheaper runaround which would have left you with a bit of a safety net? And then once you’d built up more savings you could trade it in for a more expensive car.

I presume your DH is not aware of how tight the finances actually are. Why is he so removed from this that you can be not eating properly but he is lending money? Are all financial matters only managed by you? I agree with you in these circumstances I would get my own account and pay my fair share into the shared account for family shared costs only. Personally, until the finances improve and / or family member had paid you back, DH would be on toast for dinner too - he should have been beforehand. He should reap the consequences of his decision. If he was aware how bad things are and lent the money anyway, I don’t quite know what to say to you as he must be pathologically incapable of saying no.

Was that there only savings though? She said she used her savings.
They have a joint account but not sure whether they have joint savings or individual.

In your circumstances his need to be Billy Big Bollix was more important than you eating.
He sounds like another child rather than an adult.
Move your salary for sure.
Also rethink any further children with suchba man child.
I'm so sorry things are so tight.
He must live in cloud cookoo land to be so unaware of how difficult things are this month for you with a huge unexpected expense wiping out your buffer.

You've been going without dinners this month. Has he? If so, are you saying he's prioritised this loan over eating three meals a day? That's actually quite extreme people-pleasing.

It's great that you have shared finances (in my opinion at least) but you could also have separate accounts for personal expenses. His loans should come out of his personal account. Spending family money on a loan when you're grindingly poor is totally unacceptable.

she said she had to spend her savings on a car.

In this case though, where money is as tight as OP says, I don’t think it would matter if they had separate money because he still wouldn’t have the freedom to lend £60 without it affecting the household budget. OP is going without meals, so unless she is recklessly spending, even if they put their money in different accounts, there isn’t enough for him to spend it how he likes, however stifling he finds it.

OP, you should look into food banks in your area. I would also have a serious conversation with your husband and tell him to give his head a shake. Being able to only afford food for the children while the parents eat toast isn't normal - does he not see that?

My late DH and I always had joint finances. It went into one pot. But, we would always discuss, in advance, stuff like lending money to anyone.

Sorry but this to me suggests a bigger issue than just your husband lending money.
Is he not aware of your situation?
Or is this a MN exaggeration and being a martyr?

If genuine then you need to sit down and go through a budget with him. Also look at your meal plans so that you are all able to eat - pasta dishes are cheap, as well as if you bought a big bag of potatoes and then did jackets, mash and roast with them. Bulking meals out with vegetables and less meat also can work.

Do you have savings as there are always people who say they have no money, can't afford xyz but do then have money stashed away. If this is the case then you need to be using this.

My thoughts exactly 🙄

This was a really useful comment. Thanks for posting.

I’d rather bulk buy our food along with food for the children in those circumstances. But your H didn’t give you the option.

I’d be angry too, especially when money is already that tight. It’s not really about whether the money will be paid back, it’s about making a financial decision that affects both of you without discussing it first. You need to be able to trust each other with joint finances.

If you’re paying for your shopping in ten pence pieces then he definitely shouldn’t be lending out £60!

Has he lent money to his family member before? What was it for, will they pay it back and will he ask again?

Is it an elderly parent who needed to pay a bill or a feckless brother who wants to go to the pub?

It’s not a small amount if you can’t afford it.

Tricky - for me £60 is a small amount and I would dream of asking DP about spending or lending that kind of money BUT it sounds like your finances are much harder

@CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat you need to tell your DH to ask for the money back as its £60 you dont have to lend.

If he refuses then I'd probably ask him to sell something to replace the money.

It was disrespectful of him and really foolish so he needs to put things right.

I think it depends who the money was lent to and the circumstances. Also how desperate you are yourselves for that money right now.

Assuming the family member desperately needed it, I wouldn’t be too upset about this. If my mum desperately needed £60 and we could give it just by cutting back for 2 weeks I would do it, and although our finances are joint we do both bring in an income to that pot and I don’t think joining finances = giving up all right to decide on things yourself sometimes