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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu husband lending money without telling me

26 replies

CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:25

Me and my husband have a joint account. All money goes in there.
We do struggle at times (doesn't everyone right now?) The past week ive literally been using the money self check outs to pay for things with ten pences thats how skint I am.
Got paid today then need to wait to get paid in a weeks time. Didn't get much just enough to wangle a small food shop but enough for us.

Only to find out half way through the supermarket we have less to spend as dh has leant money out without even bothering to ask me. 😡

Aibu to see this as a massive breach of trust? He says it doesn't matter we will get it back in a couple of weeks and that he didnt put anything in the trolley so its evened out. I am going without things like razors etc just make means end (be fine next month had a big expense this month!) I just feel so angry and disappointed.

OP posts:
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DuchessOf · Today 07:54

OP, you should look into food banks in your area. I would also have a serious conversation with your husband and tell him to give his head a shake. Being able to only afford food for the children while the parents eat toast isn't normal - does he not see that?

Boomer55 · Today 07:47

CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:34

£60 to a family member. Its both our money there is no his and her money we both work.

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My late DH and I always had joint finances. It went into one pot. But, we would always discuss, in advance, stuff like lending money to anyone.

Moonnstarz · Today 07:44

CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 13:48

Exactly. Ive gone without dinners most nights this past month to ensure the kids are fed. Today was my chance to get dinner items for me as well. I'll just live off sodding toast for another week. Ugh.

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Sorry but this to me suggests a bigger issue than just your husband lending money.
Is he not aware of your situation?
Or is this a MN exaggeration and being a martyr?

If genuine then you need to sit down and go through a budget with him. Also look at your meal plans so that you are all able to eat - pasta dishes are cheap, as well as if you bought a big bag of potatoes and then did jackets, mash and roast with them. Bulking meals out with vegetables and less meat also can work.

Do you have savings as there are always people who say they have no money, can't afford xyz but do then have money stashed away. If this is the case then you need to be using this.

GreenSlippers44 · Yesterday 14:06

RikthePoet · Yesterday 13:57

This was a really useful comment. Thanks for posting.

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My thoughts exactly 🙄

RikthePoet · Yesterday 13:57

olympicsrock · Yesterday 12:49

Tricky - for me £60 is a small amount and I would dream of asking DP about spending or lending that kind of money BUT it sounds like your finances are much harder

This was a really useful comment. Thanks for posting.

Original poster
CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 13:48

Inertia · Yesterday 13:45

I’d rather bulk buy our food along with food for the children in those circumstances. But your H didn’t give you the option.

Exactly. Ive gone without dinners most nights this past month to ensure the kids are fed. Today was my chance to get dinner items for me as well. I'll just live off sodding toast for another week. Ugh.

OP posts:
Inertia · Yesterday 13:45

I’d rather bulk buy our food along with food for the children in those circumstances. But your H didn’t give you the option.

Wajeehakamran · Yesterday 13:41

I’d be angry too, especially when money is already that tight. It’s not really about whether the money will be paid back, it’s about making a financial decision that affects both of you without discussing it first. You need to be able to trust each other with joint finances.

Original poster
CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 13:29

Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 13:24

If you’re paying for your shopping in ten pence pieces then he definitely shouldn’t be lending out £60!

Has he lent money to his family member before? What was it for, will they pay it back and will he ask again?

Is it an elderly parent who needed to pay a bill or a feckless brother who wants to go to the pub?

Reckless sibling claims its for food for the kids but we know it goes on shit.
They do pay us back, eventually. I haven't minded in the past but this month I am nigh on breaking down over the stress of money. Ive told him Im going to get my wages paid into my bank separately and that I wont be lending anymore money to anyone. My priority is building back up my buffer and then my savings. Just angry as hes gone out in a mood over it he always thinks hes doing a good deed but never actually thinks what would stephenthecat think/feel.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · Yesterday 13:24

If you’re paying for your shopping in ten pence pieces then he definitely shouldn’t be lending out £60!

Has he lent money to his family member before? What was it for, will they pay it back and will he ask again?

Is it an elderly parent who needed to pay a bill or a feckless brother who wants to go to the pub?

ChocolateCinderToffee · Yesterday 13:19

olympicsrock · Yesterday 12:49

Tricky - for me £60 is a small amount and I would dream of asking DP about spending or lending that kind of money BUT it sounds like your finances are much harder

It’s not a small amount if you can’t afford it.

Original poster
CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 13:11

Jellybunny98 · Yesterday 12:44

Assuming the family member desperately needed it, I wouldn’t be too upset about this. If my mum desperately needed £60 and we could give it just by cutting back for 2 weeks I would do it, and although our finances are joint we do both bring in an income to that pot and I don’t think joining finances = giving up all right to decide on things yourself sometimes

Wasn't that desperate that they couldn't hold off for another week.
I am usually fine to lend money but this month I had £4,000 unexpected bill as my car had a major issue and I need it for work (live rurally) and had to buy a new one it wiped out my entire savings and ate into my wages. Going to take a few months to get back on my feet properly. Dh doesn't think hes done anything wrong but is acting like our savings and buffer still exists.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · Yesterday 12:49

Tricky - for me £60 is a small amount and I would dream of asking DP about spending or lending that kind of money BUT it sounds like your finances are much harder

TwinklyAmberSloth · Yesterday 12:49

@CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat you need to tell your DH to ask for the money back as its £60 you dont have to lend.

If he refuses then I'd probably ask him to sell something to replace the money.

It was disrespectful of him and really foolish so he needs to put things right.

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 12:46

I think it depends who the money was lent to and the circumstances. Also how desperate you are yourselves for that money right now.

Jellybunny98 · Yesterday 12:44

Assuming the family member desperately needed it, I wouldn’t be too upset about this. If my mum desperately needed £60 and we could give it just by cutting back for 2 weeks I would do it, and although our finances are joint we do both bring in an income to that pot and I don’t think joining finances = giving up all right to decide on things yourself sometimes

Original poster
CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:43

Yes i think I'll get my wages paid into my own account from now on. Feel like he's effectively stolen money behind my back, the family member could of asked mutiple other people as well. Dh just doesn't know how to say no.

OP posts:
SummerHolsNoMore · Yesterday 12:39

CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:34

£60 to a family member. Its both our money there is no his and her money we both work.

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Ok yeah I would have expected this to be a joint decision. Having thought more about it, the amount doesn’t really matter it’s the fact it’s joint/family funds.

beaglescurleduplikebagels · Yesterday 12:36

CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:34

£60 to a family member. Its both our money there is no his and her money we both work.

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Maybe there should be his and her money. I would find it incredibly stifling not to have my own account and my own money to spend how I wish.

Original poster
CuriosityKilledStephenTheCat · Yesterday 12:34

SummerHolsNoMore · Yesterday 12:28

How much did he lend?

£60 to a family member. Its both our money there is no his and her money we both work.

OP posts:
fumingrightnow1 · Yesterday 12:31

Although your doesn't need your permission to lend his money to others he should discuss it with you and if he was taking my money without talking to me id be pissed

cartagenagina · Yesterday 12:30

Who is he lending money to? Completely unacceptable not to discuss with you.

redskyAtNigh · Yesterday 12:30

Millytante · Yesterday 12:29

And to whom?

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And for what purpose?

Millytante · Yesterday 12:29

SummerHolsNoMore · Yesterday 12:28

How much did he lend?

And to whom?

SummerHolsNoMore · Yesterday 12:28

How much did he lend?