Stepping back

I'm not sure.

I totally get that when you have an upset teen in front of you some kind of protective but not entirely logical maternal instinct kicks in. I can see why my friend thinks what she thinks but she's only got half a story and I think any attempt to present a different side will be the end of our friendship. I've been on both sides. Ironically, the kids work it out and get over it much more quickly than the adults and someone they really didn't like can become a close friend before you know it. It's the most difficult bit of parenting for me so far and I wish knew when she was 11 what I know now! Good luck, OP. Your DS sounds like he's got this and you should be proud.

He says he feels differently to you about this and he doesn't want you to be involved, and I think you have to listen to this. If your friend speaks to her son about it, it could make it feel worse from your DS perspective. I think you were absolutely right to step in about the bullying, but this is different.

Your friend's son has accepted invitations from the bully and made new friends. That isn't loyal, but I don't think teens always are and nothing his mum says will make your DS seem like a more appealing friend: possibly the opposite. I think you have to trust him to navigate this. Be his support, listen to him but keep his confidence. I have fallen foul of this myself. What your teen tells you is not what they want the world to know about them. He might be handling this with a bit of nonchalance at school. You don't want to blow that for him.

Bullying is horrible, wrong and action must be taken. Not inviting someone to hang out, no matter how pointed, is not something a mother can fix. Trust him. Of course he doesn't want to change school. He probably does have other people he gets on with at school and other friendships will grow.

I have been on both sides of this:my DC was left out of a group which was horrid but it resolved and most of those involved are now her school friend group, and a friend of mine think my daughter, plus this friend group, are horrible to her daughter. The side of the story I get is that this girl hates the rest of my DC's friend group so they don't hang out at school. Things my friend has said corroborate this. Her child barely speaks to my DC some days, despite my DC being polite.

I cannot have a conversation about this with my friend. She was very upset and I think she now dislikes my DC, who actually hasn't done anything wrong. They were never close friends at school. Now my friend's DC has a gang of mates, things are better but there are still no go topics of conversation, which is horrible. Her DC has only given her perspective and my DC has given hers. The truth is probably somewhere between but I can't command my DC to leave her friend group to befriend this other girl. You can't choose their friends for them. If only you could!

This is the hardest element of parenting for me so far, but my friend and I are much more upset about it than the girls ever were. I think that's key. We put an adult spin on it. Teens are awful to each other one moment and reconciled the next. Ask your DS for positive school stories. I bet he's got some and you might feel reassured that he's actually dealt with this quite well himself.

Did you ask her that if the "group" decides her son is to be excluded how would she feel........ because he could be next?

I experienced something like this in secondary school, OP. What I didn’t have was a lovely mum who had my back. I’ve got no advice but I hope you know that, even if it isn’t now, your son will one day look back and remember that you showed solidarity with him. That mother friend is either malicious or thick.

It might be worth looking at one or two alternatives "just to see" without any pressure on him to move. Just because comparing a known and a complete unknown is not really a fair comparison. Things have to be really bad at 14 to even contemplate going for the unknown. But start of Y9 would be way easier than later in Y9 or start of Y10. One with a sixth form would be ideal so he could have the stability if it works out. It's a roll of the dice though.

A hobby would help but he may be all out of "making an effort" just by surviving school every day in an adverse environment.

He can start cadets at that age. Army/ raf or sea cadets. I have an army cadet friendship group still and I’m 44. He needs a club where no one from school goes to make a new group of friends. Cadets is brilliant for that.
If I was you I would take a step back from that friend. Also tell your son to go to school be friendly with everyone but ultimately look to make some friends outside school.

For us, it ended when they reached the end of school and all went to different Uni’s, etc. Though my child did have friendships of sorts eventually in school with others but not with the original group. Really, I think the only way to escape a bully is to move schools but that doesn’t always work out either.

With the other mum I never and still don’t talk about my child, nor do I comment when she talks about hers and I would never ask about them but the friendship was never the same and became more acquaintance level.

The main thing is, is there anything more you can do with school to address the bullying? With his HoY, look at moving classes and tutor groups, up to and including moving schools - I have seen this be transformative for some bullied children.

With your friend it's your call. When my son's friendship group imploded we mums agreed not to talk about it and carried on meeting up regardless, but this is not the route for everyone.

I’ve had a similar experience as you in the past, OP and was staggered at the lack of self-awareness in the other mum. Week after week listening to what a great a time her teen was having and even a party she was hosting for her teen and friends when she knew well the situation. I didn’t say anything but I definitely withdrew from the friendship and saw her in a different light.

As an aside, how would your DS feel about moving school and starting afresh ?

I agree with @Bigtrapeze. But
also it’s not what your child wants but
what they need and our children need us to be their biggest cheerleaders.

Sometimes things that bother them are inconsequential and it’s fine to say just get on with it, work it out, be more resilient.

However, your DS has been on the end of some really unpleasant bullying and of course it is upsetting for him and you.

From what you’ve said, I would agree with you that your friend lacks empathy, how would she feel if her son was being bullied in this way? You’ve said what you think, she’s said what she thinks and maybe there won’t be a meeting of the minds on this occasion. And if what is best for you is to reevaluate the friendship, then you absolutely should for your own peace of mind.

So sorry this is happening. It is rubbish and not uncommon, often without the bullying that preceded it. Group dynamics in teenagers are complex, and this is mirrored by the dynamics of friendships with other mums. I think it is quite difficult to be friends with another mum involved in this kind of situation. If the other mum's child is no longer friends with yours, you're stuck with either dancing around the elephant in the room, not talking about your kids at all or having the sort of very awkward and friendship threatening conversation you've had.

You can't influence who your teenager wants to hang out with and it doesn't seem possible to include one more if they're not part of the gang. I think adult friendships, although more polite, are less dissimilar than we assume.

All you can do is support your DS to make new friends. Some of the old group might return in time. Your DS might be more forgiving than you. It is very difficult to disbelieve your DCs account of these things, and they are nuanced. I've been in this situation and whilst I don't think my DD mislead me intentionally, it was certainly her experience of a situation rather than the whole truth. Your friend's DC might present his interpretation in that he's made new friends and is having a great time. Those in the gang sadly give very little thought to those who are not, regardless of length of friendship.

It does come right in time. Your DC doesn't want to be trying to be in a group where he isn't welcome. Make sure he gets involved in things outside school and foster friendships there. Teen friendships blossom at great speed. There will be someone your DC is borderline friends with who might fancy hanging out.

All you can do is support your DS. He will find a way through this and come out the other side all the more resilient. Try and follow his example. I find I stay cross about this sort of behaviour levelled at my DD than she does. I keep an ear out but try to trust her intuition. I'd rather she learned these skills now than went off in the world without them, miserable as it can feel at times.

So you’re considering stepping back from this friendship? I think I would. Expecting some loyalty from friends isn’t expecting too much. It sounds like your DS is going through a really tough time and your priority is obviously supporting him.

I think some people lack empathy and given the situation she should be able to see things from your point of view.

How are the school supporting your son? Is he starting GCSE’s, might it be easier if he is in different classes/sets to these boys? Would a move to a different form work?

What do you want from her?