Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

A lot of parents are also busy through choice, though.

I mean, I am constantly reading threads on here where parents are taking their kids to 6+ activities a week, using their weekends to drive them here, there and everywhere and then wondering why they're all shattered.

When I was growing up, all these activities just were not an option. My parents simply said "no, I'm tired from work", and that was that. Or "no, Saturdays are not being taken up by x" and again, that was that.

to make it clearer, because YOU are not a friend, and YOU are the problem?

There are far too many martyrs around who believe they're the only person to have ever given birth, everything must now revolve around them and that nobody else can ever be tired or busy, except for them.

they are not ditching their childfree friends, they're stepping away from toxic people?

Having children is a choice too. It hasn’t been forced on you.

But how can this not be true?

With young children you do all the BS life admin for yourself plus 1, 2, 3 other dependent beings. On weekends, unless you have family support, you have to care for them yourself and take them everywhere. Reading, feeding, playing, supervising, entertaining, managing behaviour all day.

Childfree people often have busy and fulfilling lives but as someone rightly mentioned already, it’s a choice (to meet with friends, push forward in career, go on holidays, keep up with hobbies).

I don’t get how this is offensive whatsoever.

I think many mums are just worn out! Often Sarah who has a child of similar age will be easy to relate to .and understand where you are coming from, as they are experiencing similar! Its not a personal affront to you.Often they are working as well now .Maybe try a round Robin at Christmas? see if anyone up for a night out. Maybe stick with the girls from the office and see how that goes .I think its a shame as female friends are invaluable

I disagree that they're not being unreasonable.

Of course, some parents will be struggling with disabled or high needs children, or doing it alone, but if you have a partner at home, there is no reason you can't leave the baby with their dad for an hour or so and meet your friends for a coffee.

It's never men who neglect their friendships and their hobbies.

I'm not saying their behaviour was okay, and of course they should have apologised. I'm just saying that this kind of thing is why it's often easier to socialise with other parents. Other parents would be less likely to make food that would be ruined by a delay, and they would probably not be offended by lateness or leaving early because they've been there, etc.

I get it, especially if you were expected to spend hundreds on hen week-ends and birthday meals out etc previously. People can be thoughtless and some people do just move on, with or without kids. Sadly, I think it is time for you to downgrade this friendship - you don't have to never see her again, just Christmas/birthday cards would keep the connection without getting into suggesting meet ups etc.

Where are these friends from? Some friendships drift or are formed because you're in a certain situation together but don't last once you're not in that situation anymore (like the majority of work friendships).

I don't know anyone who has behaved as you've described, personally. One of my closest friends is child free. We don't meet up as often now - no more 'fancy a drink after work' texts, but we still make time to see each other and keep in contact. We both know that the other would be there through the terrible times (and we have been). I've sometimes found that child free friends don't 'get' the juggle and that I just don't have the same disposable income or time as I did before, but they were funtime friends really, and that's fine - we've just grown in different directions.

I’m very sympathetic to your post and responded to your original question above, but on this point you are wrong I’m afraid - though it depends on each situation.

Having a baby and a toddler was the most demanding thing I’ve ever done.
Sitting on the executive committee of a company with frequent travel was actually less relentless and stressful.

Usually whatever you are doing when childfree stops, or can be prioritised or delayed. Having two young children is relentless in a way that’s impossible to understand if you haven’t done it. It really was extraordinarily stressful and I’m very glad we’re past that stage.

One of my childless friends said people came back after about 10 years. I’ve been the opposite - able to keep up with childless friends while kids were small due to great husband, but now finding I simply can’t be away from my teenagers at the weekends to see my friends, as well as often during the week with work travel. It’s the friends rather than my kids that I have to sacrifice.

What a psychotic thing to say. You drop your friends the moment they get pregnant, having decided in advance, on no evidence, that they are going to behave in a certain unpleasant, stereotyped way?

Be a much better friend.

I had one friend who, after I told her I was pregnant at 40 over a nice one-on-one lunch during which she expressed her congratulations, literally never responded to my attempts to contact her again. I then moved countries for a few years when still on maternity leave and only saw her again when we started working at the same place about twelve years later.

She apologised for going silent, said she'd always assumed I would stay childfree and had found it terribly hard when I switched categories in her head. Because she was in her fifties when I first met her, and had never talked about it, I'd had no idea that she would have loved children, but it had been too late once she found her life partner after two messy short marriages on another continent long before I'd known her.

Similarly, another apparently happily childfree friend whom I'd only known when he was in his fifties, ended up telling me he'd struggled with me getting pregnant at 40 because, again, unbeknownst to anyone who didn't know them at the time, he and his (much older) wife had wanted children, had unsuccessful very early IVF, and had then almost broken up over whether to adopt. This had happened many years before I got to know them and wasn't something they talked about easily.

I also have childfree friends who have never contemplated having a baby, obviously, or thought about it and decided it wasn't for them.

My point is that no one, whether they're a parent or not, is a one-note stereotype, and to behave as if they are is being a very poor friend.

I was really hurt when those two friends went silent on me, but I accepted that they had their reasons, even if I didn't know what they were till later. And I didn't pre-emptively ditch my other friends without children.

Oh, I get where you are coming from. Many of my friends, particularly with their PFBs became…a bit patronising and self important? I couldn’t POSSIBLY understand, competitive tiredness, far preferred to spend time with other mum friends and (my personal favourite) tell me they were “sad” for me that I’d never experience love like it, I’d never be “so fulfilled” etc etc.
Hang in there, they pretty much all returned to “normal” within a few years! One actually apologised for being such a sanctimonious twat 🤣🤣
And I do get it. Having a child is a life changing, exhausting, hormone ridden time.
I am now the childless friend who looks after the DC in an emergency or for date night or we have child free weekends away. It’s all good xx

I’m aware of this. Hence why I sack off any friends with kids for at least 5 years often more. I’ve been like OP before na felt hurt and disappointed but it’s far more sensible for me and them that we part ways for a season.

I spend time with friends without my kids.not as often as id like. Im a single parent

I felt pretty exhausted while caring for my mum who had dementia. I imagine on many ways it was quite similar to a toddler - answering the same questions over and over again, being woken up several times a night, dealing with pee and poo accidents - only without the fun bits and the knowledge that things would get easier.

Not sure I understand what you mean. 6 other people moved things to accommodate them and they just did what they wanted anyway. All food ruined, attendees hangry, their food was wasted and we shouldn’t have bothered as they couldn’t have given less of shit and left as soon as they had arrived. They didn’t feel an ounce of guilt or say sorry. They live 3 minutes drive from us

I’m out the other side of this, my friends are drifting back now the kids are teens/older. I’m happy to pick things back up with some and not others.

If you think your child isn’t developing normally - quite frankly yes. Her boyfriend problems are inconsequential to the consistent low level worry and anxiety you feel as a mother toward your offspring. It’s primeval and instinctive.

This. You sound very martyred.

Having children changes your life. Things which previously you could do without thinking become impossible without military project management. Time becomes your most precious commodity because you never have any. It sounds like a patronising cliche but you can’t understand this until you have been through it.

That’s not a reason to drop child free friends: only an arsehole would think they can only get on with other parents. But it does mean you have to make time with friends count. And it means some things have to give.

You sound a bit resentful and this energy is probably something your friends are picking up. They have a lot of things now which to be candid are higher priorities than catering to your wounded pride.

You have two choices now: either accept that the friendship may need to adjust with good grace and try to think about how to do this sensitively or flounce off.

One way gives you options, the other doesn’t.

I was the opposite, I needed my child-free friends to survive. Clearly couldn’t see as mmuch of them as previously due to the existence of children who you can’t just leave unattended, but made the effort to get dinners in the diary on a frequent basis!

15 years on I have sadly drifted apart from one of them who took great offence when I had to leave a weekend away with the girls early due to family and work issues. I’m very sad about that but the decision to minimise contact was hers not mine. Unfortunately family does come first when there are problems and I get that’s really hard for some people who don’t have families to understand.

I don't think it's quite that - parents are not one homogenous group. Some parents will be too busy/tired for friendships and some won't. Imo the point is more that those who are too busy/tired are not being unreasonable, they're just... busy, and tired. 😆

God no, I loved a bit of Emma hen do drama gossip but I had a great DH and could switch off - lots of new mums can’t.

Op it’s hard when friendships drift. Especially when you’re close.
my old bestie ditched me as soon as she got a bf. I had kids but she didn’t. It really hurt at the time.
my friends who have stuck around have mostly been other mums. Although I do have some childless friends who I make the effort with.
I feel your pain but i also think you’d be better trying to make some other friends, childless or not, who make the effort with you.

No, but the majority of my friends do and they have somehow managed not to make them their entire identity and still manage to meet up and continue their old friendships.

I get so sick of the trope that parents are just sooo busy and sooo tired all the time so they cannot possibly have time to send a message or meet for a coffee.

Unfortunately that’s due to opinions like a lot of people on here I’m sure. As I said I now just stop bothering with any friends as soon as they say they are pregnant. Because why would I want my life to be viewed as meaningless, pointless or insignificant as well as never being allowed to say I’m tired, stressed or busy without the other person rolling their eyes at me.