Why do so many mums ditch their childfree friends?

I can’t speak for everyone, obviously, as all relationships will be different. However, when I got married and pregnant shortly thereafter, two of my best friends were in their early 30s and still single. It was quite difficult to juggle chats about terrible dates with very small kids on little sleep, time and space. Personally, they weren’t helpful when they visited, they didn’t seem awfully interested in me or my kids and had zero understanding about why I might not now want to go out late night dancing (to be fair I still don’t, think i had outgrown that by then and kids were the trigger but not the reason). I felt like our lives had little in common. They presumably felt like I was buried in my babies and very boring. I’m sure both things are true. I made loads of new friends through kids stuff and at the time they were great to share similar experiences with as they were going through the same thing at the same time whereas my single friends were not. Some of those have stuck as lifelong friends as we share an awful
lot more in common than reproduction.

we drifted apart and that’s ok. We had less and less in common over time and I didn’t have the bandwidth to keep up the effort with people who seemed so disinterested in what I was doing and so keen for me to be the fun party friend that I was when I was younger. I’d changed and therefore so did our friendship.

But how do you have the energy for that? 😂

With a group of Mums who had their eye on their children.

Don’t get this at all - it only takes one adult to put kids to bed so I go out at least 3 evenings a week even working full time and having little kids - can see childfree friends or friends who have kids and also escape any time Really 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ unless your a single parent I don’t get why you can’t do similar

Well I certainly wouldn't have tolerated it even when my own kids were a similar age.

Mind you I didn't do " mum" friends. I certainly didn't want to talk about bloody kids ( including my own) when socializing.strangely I managed to keep my child free friends. In fact most of my friends remained child free and I remained friends with then until they died. One of my best school friends did have kids but I think we maybe met each others kids 6 times ( all in 30s now) as always met up without them and relished our freedom to chat about other stuff instead

I

Telling someone they don’t know what real love is sounds so condescending.

I had people say that to me while going through infertility and I still don’t understand the point.

Yes I drop friends how instantly because of DECADES of things that have been said to me by either pregnant women or those with children. Both online and in person. I don’t want to be a better friend anymore. I’ve done that. I would have liked others to be a better friend to me in return over the years. And guess what? It never happened. But they have kids right so that’s FINE! They are exempt from being nice and we must be understanding at all times to those with children. I however should just accept any and every awful thing said to be over the years because I just DON’T UNDERSTAND!

I think the first thing a woman with a child said that I was a bit 🤨 about was when I was about 18. She was early 20s and had just had her first child. The conversation was about heaven/hell and the afterlife. There was about 8 of us at someone’s house. She said she was glad she had her child early as at least that meant she was now guaranteed to go to heaven as she’d “turned her life around” and god would understand and forgive her past behaviour now she was a mother. The rest of us though….. apparently the other way to be guaranteed to go to heaven was to have a child like her. We were all just selfish for wanting to enjoy our youth apparently.

Over the years it’s been a variation of the eye rolling if I’ve ever mentioned being tired or busy. God forbid I once just mentioned that I was irritated because I was woken up by fireworks at 2am and then again by builders next door at 6am. The reply I got was “seriously. You’re seriously going to complain about that when I’ve got 2 kids?”

At a dinner party once when a friend of a friend turned up last and the only seat left was next to me she said “can I swap with someone? I don’t really want to sit next to someone who doesn’t understand motherhood.”

Online there’s been various versions of “you don’t/will never know what true love is. You’re selfish as you’ve never had to put anyone else first. All parents are default non selfish just by having children apparently. Aren’t you worried about being lonely in old age? Who will look after you? I hope you’re not expecting your nieces to look after you. That would be so selfish.”

People on here think non parents should pay extra tax. Because of all the non selfish parents having kids to look after them. There was a thread yesterday about how parents should have priority EVERY YEAR for Christmas holidays at work. Non parents should just accept they need to work every Christmas. In fact I’ve been asked in real life why I would care about being off for Christmas as I don’t have a “real family” anyway. Need to tell my husband, siblings, parents, nieces and nephews that they don’t count as real family.

My in laws always expect my husband and I to stay at family gatherings to clean up. None of the other siblings have to because “they have kids so they are tired/need to get home/do enough cleaning up already.”

A friend once said to be “how would you have a kid anyway? You and your husband are always staying up late and sleeping in at weekends and going out to various non child friendly things. A kid wouldn’t exactly fit in with your lifestyle would it??” Well…. The reason we do those things is because, we can. Should I start setting an alarm at 5am for no reason at weekends? Going and sitting at soft play? Is that what parents did before they became parents? Or did they adjust their life accordingly when it happened?

As it happens, I’ve been trying to have a child for a decade. I’ve spent thousands and thousands on IVF. I’ve had multiple miscarriages. Yet the comments keep coming. Even from people that know. “Well everything happens for a reason. You obviously just weren’t meant to be a mother for some reason.” Cool. I’ll say that to someone with a disabled child should I? Well there’s obviously a reason your child is disabled. For whatever reason you obviously weren’t meant to have a fully abled child. I get told how “lucky” I am to have so much disposable income. Yup. That 50k credit card bill for IVF leaves me with SO MUCH spare money I just don’t know what to do with it all! I’m so lucky not to have the worry of kids. I should be thankful for my infertility! Having kids “isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! Haha” said by someone pregnant with their 4th.

So yeah maybe I am psychotic. I don’t really care at this point. The amount of things I’ve had said to me over the years i would rather just take the risk and drop friends instantly rather than have to keep smiling through the insensitive and sometimes terrible things they may say.

what you fail to understand ,and I do hope you don't have kids, is that being a parent means you want more than the bare minimum for your kids.

It's rather sad when adults have no hobbies, do no sport and no activities, but it's neglectful to do nothing for your children. Why bother having them in the first place if you are not interested?

She's offered to go to a soft play with them so the kid would be occupied anyway. What's the difference?

They’re just stating fact though aren’t they? For them, they’ve never known real love until they had children. It’s what they’ve experienced. Maybe it wouldn’t be the same for you, but for them it is. It’s the same for me too, the love I feel for my children is completely different to any other love I’ve experienced, they are my children.

I find these threads really odd - I can’t help but wonder if I inhabit an entirely different planet to some of you.

Being a mum to small children is a humongous part of my life and it takes up much of my time and energy - especially as one has special needs. So naturally, it comes up a lot if I’m catching up with friends. My child-free friends don’t have any particular interest in the topic of childrearing, but they want to hear about what’s going on in my life because they love me. In the same way, I don’t have any interest in HR but I want to hear about what’s important to my HR manager friend and what’s going on in her life - which includes her work - because I love her. Do some of you really just view friends as people who talk about things that align with your interests rather than unique people who you love and care about?

I also note that, for all of OP’s protestations that she is indeed very busy, I cannot imagine any of my child-free friends having the time or interest to sit and stew over whether I was more interested in my mum friends than them. They are lovely, caring, busy people with exciting and full lives - I cannot imagine have noticed how often I spend time with my mum friends, let alone be bothered about it!

I’m always surprised by how people on mumsnet don’t actually seem to care about their friends as people - they just view them as accompaniments to going places, doing things… weird.

i think seeing your friend’s issues as trivial because you have a kid is rather callous.

I have a son with complex special needs which takes up most of my life.

When I’m with any friend childfree or not, I don’t judge their problems as less than mine.

If anything I’m thrilled to not be talking about myself and my son, and happy to be seen as a human separate from motherhood.

This in spades.

I agree about the reasons you gave but disagree about advice that op should remain in touch. Everyone has priorities in life, you are obsessed with your child ( your words) but that doesn’t mean for someone like op her issues are not important. So if you trivialise what feels important to your childfree friend and you dont want to hear about what’s happening in their life best is to not continue one sided friendship.

It’s also excruciatingly dull after the first couple of months of mat leave. I was desperate to get back to normal conversation but all the mum friends from baby groups etc wanted to do was talk about babies. My childfree friends kept me sane in those times and ever since, but then I didn’t expect my world and theirs to revolve around my kids and I certainly did not expect them to go away and accept me not contacting them for years. 20 odd years on the mum friends are forgotten and the other friends including my childfree ones are still around. And the idea that my childfree doctor friend was less busy than I was (or ever been) is hilarious.

Of course it's not unrealistic and ridiculous - millions of children had/have childhoods were they never attend a single club or organised activity and somehow they all manage to survive perfectly well 😂

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. It’s pathetic really. I have a friend whom I’ve had for years. She’s doesn’t have kids but I have never stopped seeing her or doing things with her. She was always happy to do things with my kids and of course without.

I don’t understand why you’re getting the responses you are, I can only assume it’s from people being “guilty” of doing what you have described.

Not really. Lots of kids do better with routine, structure and regular exercise in my opinion. Our lives are easier if we know what is happening, and I don't think that is unusual.

Nope, not always. There are women who didn’t choose to have a child who are still mothers. Not that it’s relevant to what I actually said.

Is not having children is always a choice, too?

Sorry op I have found the opposite. I lost a couple of childfree friends after having kids as they no longer wanted to meet up with me.

you are recommending taking the kids to kick a ball in the park instead of joining clubs.

It's just a ridiculous and unrealistic suggestion.

You are trying to pretend parents are martyrs because they are being normal parents, it's a bit silly.

I don't really see the point in continuing this discussion as you're just turning everything I say into hyperbole and acting as though I've said things I haven't.

The point was more that the park (or whatever) can be flexible and fit around other things, but if your child has to be somewhere at 9am every Saturday then you're making an additional job for yourself.

You are contradicting yourself.

If you don't refuse to take your kids to a sport, then.. you do take them?
And it involves training, competitions, and weekends? You can't do a half-arsed effort to take them twice a month when you feel like it?

YOU join a class or a club, you go once or several times a week, regularly.

so you take them to the park at weekends or for the odd kick-about after school huh? what's the point of that? 😂They want to be with their friends and in a team, they want to learn the skills, the rules, practice?

but there are ways of doing that that don't involve hours of driving
People shouldn't have kids if they are only ready to be involved in the least inconvenient way for them.

Many kids even have weekend sport tours, competitions abroad, decent parent are happy for them, not resentful!

Children don't need to go to multiple activities every week.
they deserve to have that chance though, sad if they don't.

But fewer activities doesn't equal more free time... My kids need exercise and looking after on a Saturday morning either way. In fact, at least if they're at a club I can faff around on my phone for an hour. I'm not less busy if I take them to the park instead am I?