AIBU to not want my brother living in my flat long term

80 replies

youngersibling · Yesterday 00:17

I’m late twenties, and my brother is mid thirties. I purchased my flat in London just over a year ago, I fortunately did get some help from my parents with the deposit.

I’m single and have been living alone here. I did think about getting a lodger in at some point but I’ve just been loving having my own space. Before this I’ve been in many flatshares including short term subletting right before completing on my property

My brother lived in big US city for work, we’d only see each other few times for big family events as we’re not super close and wouldn’t really hang out 1on1. I wouldn’t invite him to my birthday celebrations and vice versa, if we weren’t siblings we probably wouldn’t be friends

Unfortunately he was made redundant and was out of work for almost a year so moved back in with our parents in rural town. I did feel really bad for him as it must’ve been a tough adjustment. He recently landed a job which is in London and wants to buy his own place here too but before that needs somewhere to stay. He doesn’t want to flatshare with strangers but also doesn’t want to spend so much on rent for 1 bed place in zone 1 or 2. He also earns much more than me

He’s expecting to stay at my flat for next 5or6 months at discounted rate, as expects to have bought a place by then. Although I think that’s pretty ambitious as conveyancing can be unpredictable, what if it’s a year or longer (mine took 7 months)

I really don’t feel comfortable him moving in and want my independence. I voiced concerns to my parents saying that I don’t mind helping out for few months as a favour but really don’t want this long term (think I could just about cope with 4 months together). My parents think I’m being cruel and greedy, they want me to offer around 10 months, I feel guilty because I wouldn’t have my flat deposit without my parents help

I’d rather be sharing with a flatmate from Spareroom than my brother as I feel like there’d be better boundaries and I still have privacy and independence. I don’t feel comfortable to fully relax and would feel unable to do some things whilst living with him

We have different politics and I usually would avoid bringing up certain topics because it’ll only cause resentment. Harder to do that if we have to live together for a while

OP posts:

Spartak · Yesterday 00:42

Could you tell him that you need to get a lodger paying market rent as you are saving up for a new kitchen/bathroom/furniture, and therefore it's not convenient to have him there?

oviraptor21 · Yesterday 00:39

You are in a difficult position OP - it's hard to say no when you know you wouldn't be in this flat but for your DP.
I think the best you can do is set some really clear ground rules. Eg. if you will have to share a bathroom, agree some times of use - so between 6 and 7am for example the bathroom is yours exclusively. You could do the same for the kitchen too. How tidy is your brother? If he's terrible perhaps part of the deal is that he pays for a cleaner. Agree whether he can have friends round and how often. etc.

Original poster

youngersibling · Yesterday 00:32

BatshitIsTheExplanation · Yesterday 00:19

Say no.

I wish but don’t think I could flat out say no. The pressure and guilt from my parents is huge tbh. Seeing as they helped me with the deposit that got me this place and the opportunity to live alone, it still feels like they have leverage, and so refusing to live with him seems like I’m being ungrateful

OP posts:

sesquipedalian · Yesterday 00:28

OP, this has disaster written all over it, and your DPs are being very unrealistic. It’s one thing to put up your brother for a defined period of time- say, three or four months with a definite end-date, and quite another to have someone living with you for the best part of a year or longer. You need your independence and to be able to lead your own life. I don’t know what sort of person your dear brother is, but it can be irritating living with anyone you don’t choose to, which is why there are often such fallings-out in HMOs with people having different expectations over acceptable levels of tidiness, or how often it’s OK to have people to sleep over. I feel for you, OP: I think your brother is being very unreasonable just expecting to move in with you, and your parents exerting leverage over the fact that they helped you with your deposit is downright unfair. Privacy and independence is very important, OP, not just for you but also for your brother. It seems that he wants to make economies at your expense, with no inconvenience to himself.

BatshitIsTheExplanation · Yesterday 00:19

Say no.

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