I feel like i’ve fucked up my 15yo

I don’t have any experience of this so can’t advise on what to do with him but what’s he like with other people? Grandparents, aunts, uncles, the general public etc?

There no point in looking at what you did wrong, you can’t change his childhood, but you can do things differently now, although it’s going to be very hard as he’s bigger and stronger than you and you’ve no authority over him.

You've got one gaming addicted son. So what if the others dont have WiFi for a few hours.

Take the power cable out of his XBOX

Tbh OP, if my son pushed me - I'd be throwing the whole fucking gaming set up out of an open window.

Sorry to say it - you're right, what you have done or more like, haven't done, has caused this. Its not too late to step in and ban things and instill consequences but its going to be 10 times harder. You need to be ready for the fight. 2 hours arguments can only be 2 hour arguments if you argue back. Just let him go on and on until he's blue in the face and ignore him.

Whats the alternate? Carrying on letting him walk all over you until hes a 25 year old man living at home treating you like shit?

OP you have been assaulted. Call the police and report him. Protect yourself and your other children.

In that case, report to the police. A MASH report will be submitted in cases of domestic violence and with your history they will see that things are escalating to unsafe levels in your home, and your younger children need to be protected from this.

Here to second cadets idea. My eldest was starting to go down this route. I split with his dad due to his mental health (he's in sheltered accomm now), ds directed all his anger at me and his dad was too ill to back me up. I enrolled him in the air cadets, he ended up loving it and it completely rewired his brain. It can lead to qualifications like duke of edinburgh or a public service nvq. It lead my son into an interest in engineering and he's just completed an apprenticeship with an advanced btec.

Sorry to hear this OP. As others have said, it's not too late.

As you pay the bills, you can switch off WiFi/remove console/computer/phone. I'd be sanctioning now for aggressive/rude behaviour and would reduce allowed timings generally (when he is allowed his things back).

You are the boss and these things don't come for free. He can still learn.

Hugs.

Tbh that attitude har brought you here. Yiu need to deal with it. And haven't though years. Now you pay the price.

Seek professionel help.

Yes. You can.

They can be pretty shit unfortunately, but they can definitely reopen cases.

Unfortunately it’s a battle to get help with anything like this, OP, and you need to be very proactive to get any kind of support (I say this as a SEND parent). Social services will (rightly) be very concerned about the impact of your younger DC so you need to show you’re doing all you can to protect them from your son’s behaviour. I really feel for you as you’ve all obviously been through an awful time, and I know it’s exhausting, but you need to be really persistent now in contacting school, GP, CAMHS, Early Help, etc to get you and your DS the support he needs (I’m talking daily phone calls and emails if necessary). And absolutely tell him that if he lays a finger on you again, you will have no choice but to call the police - then follow through if needed. He is clearly a scared, traumatised child who needs support but a violent 15yo boy is a genuine danger to you and his siblings.

Gingerbread, who support single parents, might be able to signpost to further help: https://www.gingerbread.org.uk

Finally, stop beating yourself up about this as it’s pointless - you are the parent who stuck by your kids, and your DS’s current behaviour is largely his father’s doing by the sound of it.

Speak to school.

They will likely already have established relationships with relevant third sector organisations or can refer to Early Help etc

They will support you as much as your son.

And you wil not he the first parent facing this.

Contact social services for advice or check these links below.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/
https://www.warwickshire.gov.uk/keeping-child-safe/domestic-violence-abuse-intimate-partner-abuse/3

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like you've lost control of the situation. Your teenage son is violent and out of control and you can't keep ignoring it and hoping it will get better. You need to speak to social services and ask for support and speak to the school too. Tell them that your son is not respecting the rules you have tried to put in place and that he's violent and aggressive.

When your son is home, you need to sit him down and tell him that if he every lays a hand on you again, you will call the police and have him removed. Be absolutely clear and make sure he knows you're serious. Decide on a consequence (removal of his game console and phone for 2 weeks, for instance) and stick to it. Tell him that you're not longer going to tolerate unacceptable behaviour, that it impacts the whole household and you will protect your younger children and yourself from abuse.

Don't try and carry on with this alone, his school and social services need to step up and help too.

Boys who witnessed abusive behaviour from. men towards women in childhood are more likely to repeat that behaviour when they are older. His behaviour is escalating and for the sake of his future, I think you do need to seek urgent help. It’s also going to be harmful for his siblings to witness this.

I haven’t seen you respond to suggestions of referrals from your GP or school. Is there a reason for this? I would urge you not to put off addressing this out of shame or whatever other reason might be holding you back. He is learning that it is OK to be abusive towards women and there is no reason to think he won’t carry this into his future relationships. This is when he will really mess up his own life and the lives of others. If you seek early intervention now there are pathways to addressing this.

I don’t mean to be depressing, but I worry that the same avoidance that made you not create boundaries early on is now stopping you from seeking external help.

I would have called the police for the sake of the younger DC. He is dangerously out of control. What are you going to do if he slams one of his siblings into a cupboard?

Call the police.

Oh God, 15 was bad. Hang on in there! Asking them to tell you how their actions might make others feel seemed to work to some extent.

Possibly boxing training or similar disciplined sport.

Sports coach got the revision kick started.

Choosing which hills to die on.

Mine's autistic. Also single parent due to DV. Which does not help at all.

Praised when showing any restraint, good behaviour.

Trying to take interest in their stuff. I know how to get my guard up now and some exercises!

We talk politics, but I'm careful to try and remain neutral as possible and accept their opinions on things and listen to why they think that.

They can be these massive angry balls of testosterone but are often sensitive little flowers with the restraint of a toddler. All that brain rewiring making life difficult for them and everyone else in the vicinity. It feels awful at the time.

What did social services say when you contacted them op?

Sorry xx

I would talk to him tomorrow when it’s calmer and tell him he is out of control. That you understand life has been traumatic with his dad, being homeless and leaving his friends behind but you had no choice. It was either stay and be in danger or leave and his aggression is like his dads. You can’t force him to go for help with his anger and frustration but you won’t allow him to use his strength and anger against you or his siblings. That you will be calling the police next time he becomes violent and getting in touch with social services.

OP can’t do it because her 15 year old son is ruling the roost with aggression, assaulting her, shouting to stop his siblings from sleeping and smashing things.
He is going the same way as his father, you need to call the police when he gets violent and involve social services as you and your younger children will be living in fear of him soon. He has had a lot of trauma and changes in his life that was out of his control but he’s at an age he can refuse any help and needs to understand that his actions are totally unacceptable.

Op does he ever talk to you? Do ye ever have any good times together? When you argue is it about huge things or tiny things? Are you angry or on edge too? I don’t think family controls will act at his age, age 16 the family link handed over full ‘power’ to my dses! I will say I sometimes sit in on my kids gaming or watching YouTube. I will be on my phone so I don’t look like I’m trying to be in with them but I will laugh or ask questions sometimes, not to be their friend but just to be in their stratosphere!

I will say something my friend said to me when I was telling her why I thought ds1 was a fussy eater. She said I assumed everyone else did it all differently but maybe sometimes other people are just luckier!

Oo I know two angry lads not angry anymore (to the extent they were. One for actual anger management classes while his mum did parenting classes. They both talked to each other the way you see in movies but it worked- he went from smashing stuff up, always shouting and cursing and telling his mum he hated her to them having a really good relationship). Other little lad just grew out of it

it sounds as though you have both been through a lot and you have over compensated in the wrong ways. Parenting is hard and children need real consistency and to know that no matter how much they moan and whinge that you won’t give in. This how they learn that you mean what you say. Never say something that you cannot or do not implement.

getting the ground back now will be tough. Has your DS had any form of counselling or therapy to help him work through some of his child hood experiences- DV, being homeless, having to leave friends etc behind? Have you looked at any teenage parenting sessions? You could approach school and ask about an Early Help / Support or sign posting to local support services. It sounds as though he is very angry about things that have happen that he has had not been able to control.

The answer here isn’t turning off the wifi.
He needs good male role models, and a sense of purpose.

Would he consider going to army Cadets? Lots of men and testosterone, but modelling discipline and respect, alongside macho credentials. He might take to it?