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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP should make a decision?

123 replies

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:50

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:57

abracadabra1980 · 25/09/2026 22:49

You are making the fatal mistake of projecting what YOU would want. He is clearly less interested in being the centre of attention. I'm the same over birthdays. Can't stand the fuss.

Yeah you’re right. He hates attention. That is absolutely him.

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 25/09/2026 22:57

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:20

He’s not that bothered but he definitely wants to celebrate it in some way on the day, and he and I will definitely be doing something together to celebrate it. Even if it’s just champagne and darts in the house and giving him his presents.

I’m making him a birthday cake too (a specific one you can’t buy in the shops, I don’t think. He doesn’t like cakes other than this one). That needs to be done within 24 hours of seeing him. He is a very chilled man but I like knowing plans.

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I like knowing plans.

My cousin "likes knowing plans" too, and tried to bully me into making decisions for my mum's memorial celebration before I was ready.

She explained that it stressed her out not knowing exactly what was happening, but she was fine stressing me out over it!

Just make your own plans - if you must - and give him the leftovers if he won't do as he's told.

Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:57

Millytante · 25/09/2026 22:51

Hang on; stop filming a moment. Champers and DARTS at home? 😳

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Yes, he’s got a darts board in his own darts room. A lot of fun it is too.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2026 22:56

Champagne and darts! 🍾🎯

Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:55

grinandslothit · 25/09/2026 22:48

I hope he goes all out like that for your birthdays

I’m not 40 yet and we weren’t together when we were 30. We normally just get each other thoughtful but smallish presents for Christmas and our birthdays. I am sure my efforts will be reciprocated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:54

MsAmerica · 25/09/2026 22:47

You're only being unreasonable in that you're getting all worked up about it. You've done the kind, caring thing. Now stop. Don't pester him further. Presumably you've gotten him a present. Now it's up to him.

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Yes, got him a present. I just want to know what the plan is for giving him it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2026 22:53

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:24

Yes! Am I to just sit in the house on call? I’ve already been invited to an event on the Friday and have obviously held off buying a ticket because it’s his birthday, but time is ticking and he still doesn’t know what he wants to do.

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Well of course you don’t go out without him on his birthday. Doesn’t matter exactly what the plans are. He’s not going to go out without you, is he? Would that be normal in your world? Not mine.

Millytante · 25/09/2026 22:51

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:20

He’s not that bothered but he definitely wants to celebrate it in some way on the day, and he and I will definitely be doing something together to celebrate it. Even if it’s just champagne and darts in the house and giving him his presents.

I’m making him a birthday cake too (a specific one you can’t buy in the shops, I don’t think. He doesn’t like cakes other than this one). That needs to be done within 24 hours of seeing him. He is a very chilled man but I like knowing plans.

Show quote history

Hang on; stop filming a moment. Champers and DARTS at home? 😳

abracadabra1980 · 25/09/2026 22:49

You are making the fatal mistake of projecting what YOU would want. He is clearly less interested in being the centre of attention. I'm the same over birthdays. Can't stand the fuss.

grinandslothit · 25/09/2026 22:48

I hope he goes all out like that for your birthdays

MsAmerica · 25/09/2026 22:47

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:50

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

You're only being unreasonable in that you're getting all worked up about it. You've done the kind, caring thing. Now stop. Don't pester him further. Presumably you've gotten him a present. Now it's up to him.

Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:24

Sunbringer · 25/09/2026 22:17

Chill. Two weeks is ages

That’s what he reckons!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:24

lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2026 22:16

Why wouldn’t you keep the weekend free? Is that really a big ask?

Yes! Am I to just sit in the house on call? I’ve already been invited to an event on the Friday and have obviously held off buying a ticket because it’s his birthday, but time is ticking and he still doesn’t know what he wants to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:22

Millytante · 25/09/2026 22:16

Good God, it’s only his 40th; there’s really no need to go Christmas-style mad!

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I’ve gone more than Christmas-style. For Christmas we exchange presents but never expensive ones (although always thoughtful). This year I’ve spent quite a bit more than I normally would on his birthday to get him something of sentimental value that I know he’ll really love.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:20

Wolfiefan · 25/09/2026 22:15

You’ve answered your own question. He’s not bothered. You’re making far more of this than he wants.

He’s not that bothered but he definitely wants to celebrate it in some way on the day, and he and I will definitely be doing something together to celebrate it. Even if it’s just champagne and darts in the house and giving him his presents.

I’m making him a birthday cake too (a specific one you can’t buy in the shops, I don’t think. He doesn’t like cakes other than this one). That needs to be done within 24 hours of seeing him. He is a very chilled man but I like knowing plans.

OP posts:
Sunbringer · 25/09/2026 22:17

Chill. Two weeks is ages

lottiegarbanzo · 25/09/2026 22:16

Why wouldn’t you keep the weekend free? Is that really a big ask?

Millytante · 25/09/2026 22:16

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:56

His gifts are all bought. Still waiting for some to arrive. Really looking forward to giving him them.

Show quote history

Good God, it’s only his 40th; there’s really no need to go Christmas-style mad!

Wolfiefan · 25/09/2026 22:15

You’ve answered your own question. He’s not bothered. You’re making far more of this than he wants.

Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 22:14

Isittimeformynapyet · 25/09/2026 22:05

I wouldn't cope well with the pressure you're putting on him - and yourself for that matter.

Why do you need to know now? You'd only need to know if it's a party, but he doesn't want one. Can't you be spontaneous?

Well, if he’s wants to celebrate it with me then I need to know so I’m free on the Friday night (his actual birthday). If he’s going out with his friends on the Friday and he wants to celebrate on the Saturday then great, but I need to know so I can keep that free. At the moment I’m keeping the whole weekend free.

Just decide what you’re doing and let me know 😭. I know I’m at fault, he’s not that bothered I don’t think whereas I would have told him how I want us to celebrate (and when!) weeks ago.

OP posts:
Isittimeformynapyet · 25/09/2026 22:05

I wouldn't cope well with the pressure you're putting on him - and yourself for that matter.

Why do you need to know now? You'd only need to know if it's a party, but he doesn't want one. Can't you be spontaneous?

Original poster
Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:56

SpiritAdder · 25/09/2026 21:54

I’d go ahead and buy gift and such now that way if he wants something special on top it can be a bit late if needed.

His gifts are all bought. Still waiting for some to arrive. Really looking forward to giving him them.

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 25/09/2026 21:54

I’d go ahead and buy gift and such now that way if he wants something special on top it can be a bit late if needed.

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