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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP should make a decision?

123 replies

Lookinhin · 25/09/2026 21:50

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild.

I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know.

I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:38

AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:34

A PP said you don't live together, did I miss that somewhere? How long have you been together?

Being pedantic he is not your "partner" if you don't live with him and you don't even know whether he wants to celebrate with you on his actual birthday.

I think it's absolutely fair enough that you want him to confirm whether or not he wants to spend the evening with you. He doesn't have to decide what to do if he doesn't want to. But should at least tell you if he wants you to be there!

PPs are missing the point and being unnecessarily harsh (classic AIBU).

Can you please direct me to the rule regarding who is a partner? Is this in a dictionary? In law? Something made up in you own head does not count.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:37

Releasemeplease · Yesterday 09:34

So really you getting your knickers in a twist about this is because you like having birthday celebrations?
I would feel quite sorry for the guy if you are pestering him about it but I wonder if he is quietly enjoying watching you getting upset about his refusal to say what he wants to do.

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He isn’t a dick so of course he’s not enjoying seeing me getting upset. I would leave him if he was a nutter who enjoyed seeing people miserable.

I’ve asked him twice what he wants to do and what day he wants to celebrate with me. With two weeks to go, he still doesn’t know.

OP posts:
Franxi · Yesterday 09:37

Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:30

He obviously doesn’t know about the cake.

How do you know he wants a chilled time and darts when he hasn’t given any indication that that’s what he wants?

I have asked him, several times. I’m not going to tell him when I’m seeing him, it’s his birthday and he should decide what he wants to do. He would never want to go to a restaurant.

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Well then if you’re not going to tell him when you can see him, you’re going to have to just wait!

I’m just guessing with the darts, if he’s not the type for restaurants etc and has a home dartboard, it sounds like a night in playing darts with his mates sounds like his idea of fun.

Nobody on here can tell you what he wants. You’ve got him a present, you can either wait around until he lets you know what he wants to do, or plan something and not wait around. I can’t think of any other options really.

The only thing that sounds clear is that he doesn’t want a big fuss, so that’s why a night in with some friends doing one of his hobbies sounds like something he might like. You obviously know him better and will have better ideas, but it honestly sounds like he doesn’t want this to be the big deal you would like it to be.

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 09:36

Just tell him you’ve been invited out on the Friday and you need to know whether to say yes or no.

Releasemeplease · Yesterday 09:34

Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:12

Well I live in the UK, so yes.

I find this idea of birthdays not mattering very strange. I like celebrating my loved ones, especially big birthdays.

Show quote history

So really you getting your knickers in a twist about this is because you like having birthday celebrations?
I would feel quite sorry for the guy if you are pestering him about it but I wonder if he is quietly enjoying watching you getting upset about his refusal to say what he wants to do.

AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:34

A PP said you don't live together, did I miss that somewhere? How long have you been together?

Being pedantic he is not your "partner" if you don't live with him and you don't even know whether he wants to celebrate with you on his actual birthday.

I think it's absolutely fair enough that you want him to confirm whether or not he wants to spend the evening with you. He doesn't have to decide what to do if he doesn't want to. But should at least tell you if he wants you to be there!

PPs are missing the point and being unnecessarily harsh (classic AIBU).

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:32

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · Yesterday 09:28

Oh my gosh. He’s 40. Leave him the fuck alone

Fuck me. We will be celebrating. I want to know when. How difficult can this be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:30

Franxi · Yesterday 09:27

This all sounds a bit stressful and not very fun! I think your projections are hindering things to be honest, and it sounds a bit, not controlling, but definitely all about you and not him. You’ve decided to make a cake which involves a time limit therefore having to block out a day before. He’s not asked for this, but you’re making it about you and having to set aside all this time when there is no real need from his side, and now you’re complaining about it.

You seem very different personalities. He just wants a chilled time, playing some darts (I’m imagining he has one of those home bars too 😂).

Just ask him what night he wants to see you, or say to him that you will see him ‘x’ night and book a table at a restaurant or somewhere.

He obviously doesn’t know about the cake.

How do you know he wants a chilled time and darts when he hasn’t given any indication that that’s what he wants?

I have asked him, several times. I’m not going to tell him when I’m seeing him, it’s his birthday and he should decide what he wants to do. He would never want to go to a restaurant.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · Yesterday 09:28

Oh my gosh. He’s 40. Leave him the fuck alone

Franxi · Yesterday 09:27

This all sounds a bit stressful and not very fun! I think your projections are hindering things to be honest, and it sounds a bit, not controlling, but definitely all about you and not him. You’ve decided to make a cake which involves a time limit therefore having to block out a day before. He’s not asked for this, but you’re making it about you and having to set aside all this time when there is no real need from his side, and now you’re complaining about it.

You seem very different personalities. He just wants a chilled time, playing some darts (I’m imagining he has one of those home bars too 😂).

Just ask him what night he wants to see you, or say to him that you will see him ‘x’ night and book a table at a restaurant or somewhere.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:26

Pedant61 · Yesterday 09:18

Maybe he doesn't want to do anything? Many people choose to ignore their so-called milestone birthdays, and just don't like fuss. Be guided by him.

That’s fine but he should say that. He won’t want to sit by himself in the house the Friday night of his birthday though. He will definitely want to mark it in some way.

OP posts:
Pedant61 · Yesterday 09:18

Maybe he doesn't want to do anything? Many people choose to ignore their so-called milestone birthdays, and just don't like fuss. Be guided by him.

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:18

aliceofyork · Yesterday 09:13

It’s a birthday . We all have one every year. If he’s not fussed why on earth are you? You’ve bought his gift(s) and presumably have not made other arrangements for that day, so let him play it out as he wants. First world problems …

Read the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:17

Branleuse · Yesterday 09:08

I'd tell him that his indecision is annoying you now but you have been invited to things that weekend and you are telling him now that you are turning them down to be available for his birthday weekend, so if he was planning on doing something without you then he's missed his chance because you are coming along.

What about his friends. Can't you liase with his mates and organise a party?

I definitely wouldn’t be sitting as the only woman with him and a group of his mates.

I suspect he’d rather paper cut his eyeballs than have a party.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:15

BlueMum16 · Yesterday 08:55

So you don't live together and you've been invited to a fundraiser on his birthday.

Just say - are we out on the Friday for your birthday or are you out with friends, I've been asked to go to X. Then it's his choice.

There wouldn't be an issue if not for the fundraiser.

I’ve already said that.

It would be an issue regardless - I don’t normally stay in the house at the weekend so would always have some plans, plus I want to know when I need to bake the cake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:14

TY78910 · Yesterday 08:45

Some people just don’t want the fuss. Some people don’t like milestone birthdays. Some people want to be surprised and want someone else to take the reins. Only you know your DP…

He doesn’t want a huge fuss or attention but does want to do something. He just won’t decide what.

OP posts:
aliceofyork · Yesterday 09:13

It’s a birthday . We all have one every year. If he’s not fussed why on earth are you? You’ve bought his gift(s) and presumably have not made other arrangements for that day, so let him play it out as he wants. First world problems …

Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:13

MyLimeGuide · Yesterday 08:31

He probably just wants you to organise a surprise for him? Book a hotel and meal/drinks and a show or something or an activity

He definitely doesn’t. I’d absolutely love to do it, but he wouldn’t enjoy a surprise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:12

Releasemeplease · Yesterday 08:19

Dear me OP. First world problem springs to mind.
He is turning 40. If it was his 4th birthday there might be some excuse for getting so worked up about it because birthdays are important for children.
You've already gone above and beyond by buying him multiple presents.

Well I live in the UK, so yes.

I find this idea of birthdays not mattering very strange. I like celebrating my loved ones, especially big birthdays.

OP posts:
Branleuse · Yesterday 09:08

I'd tell him that his indecision is annoying you now but you have been invited to things that weekend and you are telling him now that you are turning them down to be available for his birthday weekend, so if he was planning on doing something without you then he's missed his chance because you are coming along.

What about his friends. Can't you liase with his mates and organise a party?

BlueMum16 · Yesterday 08:55

So you don't live together and you've been invited to a fundraiser on his birthday.

Just say - are we out on the Friday for your birthday or are you out with friends, I've been asked to go to X. Then it's his choice.

There wouldn't be an issue if not for the fundraiser.

TY78910 · Yesterday 08:45

Some people just don’t want the fuss. Some people don’t like milestone birthdays. Some people want to be surprised and want someone else to take the reins. Only you know your DP…

MyLimeGuide · Yesterday 08:31

He probably just wants you to organise a surprise for him? Book a hotel and meal/drinks and a show or something or an activity

teaandtoastwithmarmite · Yesterday 08:27

My DH was like this and kept saying he didn’t need a fuss. In the end he arranged a meal with family (is also DD’s birthday same day and he made more of a fuss of her!) and I organised a weekend to Edinburgh

Releasemeplease · Yesterday 08:19

Dear me OP. First world problem springs to mind.
He is turning 40. If it was his 4th birthday there might be some excuse for getting so worked up about it because birthdays are important for children.
You've already gone above and beyond by buying him multiple presents.

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