Page 2 | To think DP should make a decision?

Lookinhin · 2026-09-25T20:50:55+00:00

My DP is 40 in a fortnight. He still hasn’t made a decision about how he wants to celebrate and it’s driving me wild. I know he doesn’t want a party or a meal. I’ve asked a couple of times if he wants us to do something on the day, or if he wants to go out with his friends. He still doesn’t know. I know I am being unreasonable, but it’s two weeks away! I’ve got deposits paid for friends’ 40ths next year. AIBU about how laid back he’s being?

Millytante · Yesterday 12:45

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

You misogyny is showing.

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You reckon? OK
It’s the activity I hated (that brief description was my own unfortunate experience) not the women involved per se, whom I regarded as good mates within a pretty large mixed gang of us in our early thirties.

shhblackbag · Yesterday 12:44

You would be stressing me out.

Especially with him being in a different country currently, slow down. Two weeks is plenty for something casual to be planned.

Millytante · Yesterday 12:42

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:54

😂 Eh? He’s in a different country at the moment, how much space does he need? This places gets weirder every day.

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What what what? Did we already know this?
I’ve been picturing him just upstairs, incommunicado, in some he-man gaming room (in the shared house with its mini golf links and darts arena thingy).

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

Millytante · Yesterday 12:38

Agreed! A mixed group of mates is a far more enjoyable (and educational) arrangement, to me.
(I don’t know which I’d recoil from more, the traditional blokedom of six pals without women, or a ‘girls’ night’ involving a weepy film and very restricted drinking going on!)

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You misogyny is showing.

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Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:41

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

No intention of living together either. We don’t live far apart, a 10 minute walk, if that, or a couple of minutes in the car.

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Qualitypinnacle · Yesterday 12:40

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to know if he wants you around on his birthday so you can make other plans if not. (I did answer yabu initially, but changed my mind when I realised you just wanted to know whether or not you need to be free)

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:40

somanychristmaslights · Yesterday 12:30

You’d be doing my head in if you kept asking me. But a partner is someone who wants to spend significant time with. If he’d rather go out with his mates than you on his birthday, I think he’s being very clear on how he feels about your relationship.

I’ve asked twice. I’ve already said so.

Luckily I am not so insecure as to worry about him enjoying a night out with his pals.

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Millytante · Yesterday 12:38

gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

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Agreed! A mixed group of mates is a far more enjoyable (and educational) arrangement, to me.
(I don’t know which I’d recoil from more, the traditional blokedom of six pals without women, or a ‘girls’ night’ involving a weepy film and very restricted drinking going on!)

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:34

8 years is quite a long time for not living together

somanychristmaslights · Yesterday 12:30

You’d be doing my head in if you kept asking me. But a partner is someone who wants to spend significant time with. If he’d rather go out with his mates than you on his birthday, I think he’s being very clear on how he feels about your relationship.

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:16

havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:10

Why won’t you answer on how long you have been together?

And agree with other posters you seem way more into him and pretty intense 😬

Didn’t know it had been asked. We’ve been friends for 20 years, had a few flings in our 20s, and have been together properly for about seven or eight years.

I am certainly way more into his birthday. Cannot wait to give him his present.

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havingoneofthosedays · Yesterday 12:10

Why won’t you answer on how long you have been together?

And agree with other posters you seem way more into him and pretty intense 😬

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 12:08

gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

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Well different strokes for different folks. I have friendship groups which are made up of men and women and DP would always be welcome, but I also have another where we’re all women. I’d be bemused if DP wanted to come on a night out with them.

One of the women’s fairly new partner has come along a couple of times and it is odd. It changes the dynamic and it seems a bit possessive. He even asked to come on our weekend away where it’s just women, but she said no to that thankfully.

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gannett · Yesterday 12:01

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

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Rigid gender-segregated socialising is what's strange to me. Can't really imagine not being welcome on a night out with DH's friends, even if it was just the male ones.

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:54

PollyBell · Yesterday 11:42

Maybe give him some breathing space

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😂 Eh? He’s in a different country at the moment, how much space does he need? This places gets weirder every day.

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PollyBell · Yesterday 11:42

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

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Maybe give him some breathing space

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 11:29

gannett · Yesterday 11:22

You're making this into something way more stressful than it actually is, and you seem to care about exactly what your partner does for his birthday than he does.

He hasn't made plans yet because 1) he's on holiday, 2) he probably doesn't mind all that much exactly what or when he celebrates his birthday.

I understand you want to be extremely organised but not everyone is like that, and ultimately this isn't a thing that matters much. Go to your event if you want to, and tell him you'll be free on the other day. So if he wants to celebrate with you on the other day he can. If he goes out with his mates then you celebrate with him the following week or something. Pinning him down to diarise his celebrations is just not that important.

(Also why can't you go out with him and his mates? I've never had or been to a birthday night out where the birthday person's partner wasn't invited.)

Because he’ll just be going out with his friends (who are all men), not his friends and their girlfriends. Would be a bit strange if I went.

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gannett · Yesterday 11:22

You're making this into something way more stressful than it actually is, and you seem to care about exactly what your partner does for his birthday than he does.

He hasn't made plans yet because 1) he's on holiday, 2) he probably doesn't mind all that much exactly what or when he celebrates his birthday.

I understand you want to be extremely organised but not everyone is like that, and ultimately this isn't a thing that matters much. Go to your event if you want to, and tell him you'll be free on the other day. So if he wants to celebrate with you on the other day he can. If he goes out with his mates then you celebrate with him the following week or something. Pinning him down to diarise his celebrations is just not that important.

(Also why can't you go out with him and his mates? I've never had or been to a birthday night out where the birthday person's partner wasn't invited.)

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 10:50

AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:47

Sounds like he's more important to you than you are to him.

I was sympathetic but you're being as rude to me as you were to the harsher posters so I'm out.

Ooo well, that has cut me to the bone!

I’m pleased you’ve learned that you have had a made up definition of partner in your head though.

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Lookinhin · Yesterday 10:48

lazyarse123 · Yesterday 09:43

Tell him about your event and tell him you'll celebrate the next day with him. I can't see he'll be bothered by that.

I’m more than happy to miss the event. It is no big deal. I’d rather spend the day with him if that’s what he wants. I just want him to make a decision.

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AnotherEmma · Yesterday 09:47

Sounds like he's more important to you than you are to him.

I was sympathetic but you're being as rude to me as you were to the harsher posters so I'm out.

AutumnLoverButNotYet · Yesterday 09:43

If you fancy going to the thing on Friday night, tell him he has until midday today to decide if he wants to spend his birthday evening with you or with his mates, because if he hasn't decided by midday that he wants to spend it with you, you are going to accept the other invitation.

I can understand him not knowing what he wants to do, but it's not acceptable for him to not decide if he wants to spend the evening with you or not so you can make alternative plans if he doesn't.

It all sounds a little odd

lazyarse123 · Yesterday 09:43

Tell him about your event and tell him you'll celebrate the next day with him. I can't see he'll be bothered by that.

Original poster

Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:40

Franxi · Yesterday 09:37

Well then if you’re not going to tell him when you can see him, you’re going to have to just wait!

I’m just guessing with the darts, if he’s not the type for restaurants etc and has a home dartboard, it sounds like a night in playing darts with his mates sounds like his idea of fun.

Nobody on here can tell you what he wants. You’ve got him a present, you can either wait around until he lets you know what he wants to do, or plan something and not wait around. I can’t think of any other options really.

The only thing that sounds clear is that he doesn’t want a big fuss, so that’s why a night in with some friends doing one of his hobbies sounds like something he might like. You obviously know him better and will have better ideas, but it honestly sounds like he doesn’t want this to be the big deal you would like it to be.

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If he sees his mates he’ll be going on a night out with them. He’s away on holiday with several at the moment so maybe he will come back with a plan.

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Lookinhin · Yesterday 09:39

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 09:36

Just tell him you’ve been invited out on the Friday and you need to know whether to say yes or no.

I have. He’ll decide soon apparently.

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