Page 7 | AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

OneGreatFawn · 2026-09-25T17:46:58+00:00

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and got married earlier this year. He turned 50 a couple of weeks ago and I’m 40.I was previously married. My ex and I were together for quite a few years and the marriage ended amicably enough, although ultimately it was because he decided he didn’t want children. He wanted us to stay together but I knew I would always resent him if I gave up on having children, so I made the decision to leave. I had always thought he might change his mind after a few more years, but eventually I realised I couldn’t keep waiting for that. My current husband has three children with his ex wife. They had been divorced for a few years before I met him. I’ve met his children and thankfully we get on really well. His eldest has just started university and she actually asked if I would come with them when they dropped her off. I decided not to because I felt that was something special for her and her parents and I didn’t want to get in between them. Her mum was quite upset at this request but I was never going to go with them anyway. She has bee at university for a week or so and has texted me every single day, we get on quite well and she asks me for advice on things sometimes I tell her to maybe speak to her mum about it etc. I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ? His ex wife has never particularly liked me. I’ve never really known why as they had been divorced for a few years before my husband and I even met. I’ve always been polite and have never tried to interfere with their relationship as parents. The children seem to like me, which perhaps doesn't help, but I honestly don't know. Anyway we found out I was pregnant in July. We kept it to ourselves for a while and have now told his children. They are all really excited about having a younger sibling which has been lovely. My husband told his ex wife before the children knew so that she wouldn't have to find out from them. Her reaction wasn't great. A few days later she sent him a message and the general gist was that she was fine with him remarrying but him having another child was "a punch in the face' I can understand that it must be difficult for her. She didn't want their marriage to end and my husband was the one who wanted the divorce. I can imagine that seeing him married to someone else and now having another baby could bring up feelings she thought she'd dealt with.But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? They've been divorced for years, he's been with me for four years and we're now married and expecting a baby. He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce. Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.I don't want any of this to spill over onto the children and I certainly don't want them feeling guilty for being excited about their new sibling. AIBU to think that while her feelings are understandable, she needs to accept that my husband has moved on and is entitled to have another family? Or am I being completely insensitive here?

Strawberrryfields · Yesterday 03:46

OneGreatFawn · 25/09/2026 21:35

Not necessarily happy for me just more so happy in general. She doesn't need to interact or even acknowledge our child and neither do his children I would want my child to have a relationship with their siblings but also understand if that is not possible. Its not a situation anyone would want and you can say I should have known better but the heart wants what it wants. I have known from the first time we met that he had children.

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It’s silly to say that she or the children don’t need to acknowledge or interact with your child. That will be their sibling, they can’t just ignore them. Hopefully they will have a good relationship with each other. Saying that his kids don’t have to have anything to do with the new baby makes me think you haven’t properly considered the impact this will have on their lives? Whereas their mother will
be thinking about the impact on them as her number one priority.

When I had my second child, I thought a lot about the impact on my first child and tried to do things to mitigate where possible - because I was/ am concerned on the impact of both children. But you’re prioritising and potentially will always prioritise your own child.

Absolutely be happy about your pregnancy and much wanted child but it’s naive to not acknowledge how this will impact his children and your existing setup. Going in with your eyes open will hopefully help all of your manage the change as well as possible. The ex wife has no say in the situation and is potentially the only one not gaining anything positive from this change (not a new child, not a new sibling) but will still feel their impact through her own children - they might struggle with a new baby or they might adore it and want to be at their dads all the time.
This unknown can be unsettling sometimes especially when it’s come as a shock and you’ve had no choice in the matter.

Blueysmum2026 · Yesterday 03:46

Why on earth would you want a 50 year old man with 3 kids in tow? So selfish of both you and your husband to have a baby at his age and totally unfair on the other kids.

SeptUsername · Yesterday 03:10

Wallabies232 · 25/09/2026 19:01

I agree with previous posters that she is allowed to feel how she feels, and she is allowed to tell her ex husband how she feels. You may think she should feel differently, but is she actually causing any harm beyond just saying how she feels?

Her feelings are giving OP something to crow about. A baby with a 50 year old man? No thanks. 🙄

Russetboots · Yesterday 02:49

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 01:35

I also don't think the children are being nice to me to please their dad. They have their own relationship with me and as far as I can tell it's a positive one for the last 4 years but I could very well be wrong. At the end of the say they are his children and all I want is to maintain a good relationship with them not replacing anyone.

Well you might be lucky, but I've seen an awful lot of threads on here that confirm that DC of the first marriage really do only tolerate the new woman to please their Dad, and because they don't want to lose contact with him.
There was a thread just the other day from a daughter who said she had always been polite to her SM for her Dad's sake and had them both over for Christmas, but following the passing of her Dad, had no intention of inviting the SM for Christmas this year. The SM was expecting to remain part of the family.
I had an OK relationship with my own SM growing up, but saw her v v rarely after her and my DDad split up. I can count them on the times I've seen her in the past 25 years on 1 hand - mostly at weddings and funerals.
Your posts imply that you're doing a "good" thing, in not trying to replace their mother - that's not even in your remit! You can't replace their mother, no matter what your intentions - she's their mother. Your posts are slightly annoying for this reason.

Yes, I had neighbours whose father moved in with a much younger woman and had kids. The neighbours are young adult/ older teens. One of them said they pretended to embrace the new situation, not because of their dad, but because of their mum, as they didn't want her to know how upset they actually were, as it would have made her upset too. They just pretended to go along with it, but their relationship with their dad was never the same.

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 01:51

Calliopespa · Yesterday 01:46

Yes, but I'd go slightly further: Op's posts imply she's doing everything wonderfully and the ex is falling below par.

In fact, the ex is being a good mum to her dc in being wary of changes to the status quo that will more than likely impact her dc in some ways. I can't think of any good reasons a mother would want her dc's father to become a father to an unrelated person's child, let alone at age 50.

We try to normalise this sort of thing, but huge swathes of our deepest biology as women is aimed at ensuring our dc have an attentive, protective and focused father. Our mate fathering another person's child runs counter to that instinct.

In answer to the OP's question, yes, I think the OP is being insensitive.

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Yes, I agree.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 01:46

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 01:35

I also don't think the children are being nice to me to please their dad. They have their own relationship with me and as far as I can tell it's a positive one for the last 4 years but I could very well be wrong. At the end of the say they are his children and all I want is to maintain a good relationship with them not replacing anyone.

Well you might be lucky, but I've seen an awful lot of threads on here that confirm that DC of the first marriage really do only tolerate the new woman to please their Dad, and because they don't want to lose contact with him.
There was a thread just the other day from a daughter who said she had always been polite to her SM for her Dad's sake and had them both over for Christmas, but following the passing of her Dad, had no intention of inviting the SM for Christmas this year. The SM was expecting to remain part of the family.
I had an OK relationship with my own SM growing up, but saw her v v rarely after her and my DDad split up. I can count them on the times I've seen her in the past 25 years on 1 hand - mostly at weddings and funerals.
Your posts imply that you're doing a "good" thing, in not trying to replace their mother - that's not even in your remit! You can't replace their mother, no matter what your intentions - she's their mother. Your posts are slightly annoying for this reason.

Yes, but I'd go slightly further: Op's posts imply she's doing everything wonderfully and the ex is falling below par.

In fact, the ex is being a good mum to her dc in being wary of changes to the status quo that will more than likely impact her dc in some ways. I can't think of any good reasons a mother would want her dc's father to become a father to an unrelated person's child, let alone at age 50.

We try to normalise this sort of thing, but huge swathes of our deepest biology as women is aimed at ensuring our dc have an attentive, protective and focused father. Our mate fathering another person's child runs counter to that instinct.

In answer to the OP's question, yes, I think the OP is being insensitive.

PleaseDontTreadOnTheDaisies · Yesterday 01:35

I also don't think the children are being nice to me to please their dad. They have their own relationship with me and as far as I can tell it's a positive one for the last 4 years but I could very well be wrong. At the end of the say they are his children and all I want is to maintain a good relationship with them not replacing anyone.

Well you might be lucky, but I've seen an awful lot of threads on here that confirm that DC of the first marriage really do only tolerate the new woman to please their Dad, and because they don't want to lose contact with him.
There was a thread just the other day from a daughter who said she had always been polite to her SM for her Dad's sake and had them both over for Christmas, but following the passing of her Dad, had no intention of inviting the SM for Christmas this year. The SM was expecting to remain part of the family.
I had an OK relationship with my own SM growing up, but saw her v v rarely after her and my DDad split up. I can count them on the times I've seen her in the past 25 years on 1 hand - mostly at weddings and funerals.
Your posts imply that you're doing a "good" thing, in not trying to replace their mother - that's not even in your remit! You can't replace their mother, no matter what your intentions - she's their mother. Your posts are slightly annoying for this reason.

YourWildAmberSloth · Yesterday 01:31

Two things can be true at the same time - yes she needs to move on and yes you sound insensitive.

Ponderingwindow · Yesterday 01:17

You are being naive. This isn’t about her moving on.Instead of helping her children navigate a relationship with a step-mother, she now has to help them be part of a blended family.

Their father is having a second, much younger family that will live with him all the time. Even the most well adjusted children with the best parents are going to struggle with that dynamic.

The mother doesn’t have to be jealous or over-invested in your marriage to have feelings about this development. It is going to have a real impact on her life.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 01:10

PPAPPINE · Yesterday 00:53

From what you’ve said. I don’t think I would take it that she’s not over him and doesn’t want him to move on. No matter what he’s said the reality is likely to be far from that. I think she was just shocked that he is having another child and is worried about the affects on her own children. It doesn’t sound like she’s making your lives harder so I don’t think there’s anything you need to worry about.

Yes, I suspect she couldn't much care about it beyond how her dc are affected.

Calliopespa · Yesterday 01:09

OneGreatFawn · 25/09/2026 19:05

I genuinely don't think I'm being smug but I can see how it might have come across that way in the way I've written the post. I'm not trying to suggest that I'm somehow replacing her. I'm very conscious that she is their mum and I've never tried to take that role away from her.

I also don't think the children are being nice to me to please their dad. They have their own relationship with me and as far as I can tell it's a positive one for the last 4 years but I could very well be wrong. At the end of the say they are his children and all I want is to maintain a good relationship with them not replacing anyone.

As for him being 50 and having a new born, that's something we've obviously thought about a lot and we know it will not be easy. We both wanted a child together and we're happy about the pregnancy. I'm not expecting it to be easy but I don't think being older automatically means he'll be incapable of coping as a father to a new born, my father had me at 54 and was a wonderful father and was energetic, running up and down with us playing. Every person is different. I have grown up having older parents so my view might be skewed. If its worth anything I would have liked to have had the opportunity to have children in my early 30s but it never worked out that way for me. I will take what I have been given, I have wanted a child for so long, had a miscarriage and now so far our baby is healthy for all I know anything can happen to me or my baby its still early days.

I'm really not sitting here thinking I've "won" anything over his ex. I actually feel sorry that this has brought up painful feelings for her. I just don't think those feelings mean he shouldn't be allowed to move forward with his life.

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Well he has moved forward hasn't he. How are you suggesting otherwise?

PPAPPINE · Yesterday 00:53

From what you’ve said. I don’t think I would take it that she’s not over him and doesn’t want him to move on. No matter what he’s said the reality is likely to be far from that. I think she was just shocked that he is having another child and is worried about the affects on her own children. It doesn’t sound like she’s making your lives harder so I don’t think there’s anything you need to worry about.

Shelby2010 · Yesterday 00:46

I guess if the youngest is 11y now, you’ve been together 5 years & they had been divorced for years, then the child was a baby/toddler when they split up. She probably feels sad that their child will never remember their parents being together & worried that they will feel pushed out by the new baby.

Have some sympathy for her but basically just ignore it. You can’t control what she feels & if it’s not detrimental to your happiness or well being, let her wallow if she wants to.

echt · Yesterday 00:35

Peachghost · Yesterday 00:11

I dont know about the poster you quoted but I have read the OP's updates. Nowhere does she say her husband has done 50/50, in fact, despite multiple posters asking the question she hasn't given a straight answer. She talks about him being a present dad, and being in the kids lives and them being around on weekends. Its pretty clear that this man has never done his fair share of child rearing. And the OP has the nerve to criticise the ex wife for not meeting someone and building a life. The ex wife has probably been a bit busy after being abandoned with 3 young children (its also pretty telling she wont answer how old the children were when he walked out). She probably didn't have the luxury the OP's husband had to go on dates and move in with someone.

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I should have been more clear. I was taking issue with your saying "or even all weekend".

This is what the OP said: They alternate weeks and weekends.

That seems pretty even-handed to me.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · Yesterday 00:34

AintNoPunshineWhenShesGone · 25/09/2026 19:09

At the end of the day he knew if he didn’t give you a baby you’d walk, just like you did with your last partner.

I’m not sure that’s a sensible reason to have a baby when most of his mates will be having grandchildren.

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He’s not thinking with his brain

MostLikelyTo · Yesterday 00:33

This is very similar to a situation I know of at the moment, even down to the ages of those involved. In the case I know of though, the woman split with her husband because he wanted to move to another country and she didn’t want to. She is also 40 and met a man 10 years older who had 3 children the same ages. The older two have told their mum they’re not overly happy with the baby news but don’t want to upset their dad. I think that would be a normal reaction from teen kids so I wouldn’t be surprised if in OPs case, they’re telling their mum a different story and she’s worried about them.

Dery · Yesterday 00:30

@OneGreatFawn - you sound like a kind and sensitive stepmother but lacking in imagination about how this all feels to your husband’s ex-wife.

Your husband is moving on with you so to suggest one tricky conversation with his ex-wife means she’s preventing him from doing so is a bit much. It’s not your fault she has tricky feelings around your pregnancy but it’s not surprising that she does. Your husband ended his marriage because he wasn’t happy with the woman who gave him 3 children and almost certainly took somewhat of a career hit in doing so. Your husband decided that woman was no longer enough for him. That actually doesn’t cover him in glory.

He’s now found himself a younger woman whom he clearly regards as enough and you are cementing that with a child. None of this is on you but surely you can see how your husband’s ex-wife might have some slightly complex feelings around that. As others have said, she may also have concerns about how this will impact the children your husband shares with her.

SweatySpider321 · Yesterday 00:16

seahorsessky · 25/09/2026 22:58

Very unreasonable-you married the first man when he'd been clear he didn't want a baby, and then divorced him because he kept his word?
Then broke up another family?

She reports she wasn’t the Other Woman and they had already split a few years before they met

Peachghost · Yesterday 00:11

echt · 25/09/2026 22:51

Although you mention you get on with the children, I have no sense that he has them 50/50 or even all weekend

Try reading the OP's updates.

I dont know about the poster you quoted but I have read the OP's updates. Nowhere does she say her husband has done 50/50, in fact, despite multiple posters asking the question she hasn't given a straight answer. She talks about him being a present dad, and being in the kids lives and them being around on weekends. Its pretty clear that this man has never done his fair share of child rearing. And the OP has the nerve to criticise the ex wife for not meeting someone and building a life. The ex wife has probably been a bit busy after being abandoned with 3 young children (its also pretty telling she wont answer how old the children were when he walked out). She probably didn't have the luxury the OP's husband had to go on dates and move in with someone.

BobbyGlass · Yesterday 00:10

"Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself."

This bit is where you let yourself down. It shows such lack of empathy and the suggestion that her life is lacking without a partner is so patronising and presumptuous.

I know I will be in the ex-wife's position one day. My ex has shacked up with a girl half his age so of course they will have kids. It will happen as sure as day follows night because he thinks he's found the secret to eternal youth. Even though I know it will happen it will still be a punch in the gut. My kids will hate it too.

Heronwatcher · Yesterday 00:09

LadyWhistledownsSocietyPapers · 25/09/2026 21:43

You'd tell your children they were going to have a new sibling in a text message?! WTF.

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No I’d tell my ex wife/ husband as I’d know they might find it difficult.

Crispautumnday · Yesterday 00:06

Happyjoe · 25/09/2026 20:30

The older kids don't think it's shit.

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We only have ops word for that.

Winter2020 · Yesterday 00:03

user1497787065 · 25/09/2026 19:01

A couple of my friends have found themselves in the position of your husbands ex wife and their concerns have usually been that their children’s inheritance is to be shared by another child.

Or fears that he will leave everything to his new partner who in turn leaves it to her kids, and the children of the first family get no inheritance at all.

researchers3 · 25/09/2026 23:54

MaidsRoom · 25/09/2026 19:03

I feel for all of you here. On the one hand you sound like you’ve made a big effort to be considerate, and your husband has a total right to have a child four years into a new relationship.

On the other…imagine how she might feel. They stood together at the altar/register office and promised “till death do us part” or similar words. They probably really, really meant it at the time. They had a family together, and struggled through the baby and toddler years. She loved him for years, maybe decades, and thought that would be the rest of her life. Maybe she was imagining a happy retirement together. And then he announces he’s unhappy and he’s leaving, and before she knows it he’s with a new, much younger woman and then he’s having a brand new family, and even worse her children seem fine with it and occasionally seem to treat this new woman like their mum, and she’s sitting there going “what just happened to my family?”

As you say, there’s not much you can do about this other than be nice. But I can appreciate why she’s feeling gutted.

This! Seriously op, what do you not understand here?

DryadsRest · 25/09/2026 23:47

OP, are you quite a sunny glass half full sort of person?
you sound very caring thoughtful and considerate
maybe ex wife is a bit jealous sounds like you’ve been a lovely addition to the lives of your husband and his children
maybe ex wife is a bit jealous!