AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

Step mothers always get attacked on mumsnet. You’ve done nothing wrong OP and congrats on your pregnancy. We had similar when I got pregnant but multiple angry shouting phone calls and nastiness for years. This despite my husbands ex having a live in boyfriend that she eventually married. Sadly she never got over it, but my step kids and daughter have an amazing relationship despite the age gaps. There is nothing you can do about how she feels. Just continue with your step kids as you are and be civil to the ex.

This is horrible. There is nothing smug in the ops posts, in fact she’s posted reasonably and in a balanced manner,

marriages end, it doesn’t mean every marriage someone has will end too. It’s a ridiculous notion. I understand many posters are bitter, but thay isn’t the ops fault.

She’s allowed to feel sad about this but I don’t think she should be sharing this with your DH, she should keep it to herself and whinge to friends. I can understand why she’d feel sad about it but if they’ve been divorced for many years, she does need to get ahold of herself.

I guess she still loves him in some way, especially since you said she didn’t want to divorce. You’re a decade younger than her too so perhaps it stings to see the man she loves starting again with someone younger. She might also worry that this will take away from their children in some way.

This. I was the ex. I can absolutely understand how she feels. Probably best you aren't too smug ,you may well find yourself in her position one day. A man who decides he can have 3 children with one woman and leave her will never,ever have an issue over leaving another.

People don't always totally get over major relationships. My friend's ex husband still rings her up quite regularly for heart to hearts even though they divorced about 20 years ago and he has been with his new partner for all that time. In her case, they got on very well for years, had 3 children together, went through some very good and very bad things together. All that is a lot of shared experience and that is why neither of them have totally moved on.

Agree. Unfortunately AIBU isn’t the best place to look for that reassurance - MN will always support a sainted first wife against a step mum. I can see both sides to be honest because ex is probably thinking about the effect on her own kids,

Another consideration is whether he pays child support via CMS because another baby means that will reduce, but OP hasn’t clarified, so that may or may not be a concern.

I don’t think she comes across as smug though, as some posters are saying. I think she’s doing her best to engage with his kids without ruffling ex’s feathers. I did wonder whether maybe OP is a bit uncomfortable with the fact that his ex clearly still has feelings for her DH. Without knowing the reason DH ended his first marriage, it’s hard to know where that discomfort may be coming from, but I do think some insecurity at least is at play here.

Congrats to you both. My dad was 50 when I was born and he always tells people it “kept him young” 😂.

Honestly she probably has a lot of feelings about it, you guys having a baby will mean her own children get less time and resources so from a utilitarian point of view I can see why she would be upset. Obviously she’s just gonna have to get over it, but I do understand why she’s going to feel sad, especially if she didn’t want the divorce.

I actually feel what OP is looking for is reassurance she hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’. You haven’t OP and I can understand why his ex saying this has negatively impacted her might make you feel that way. Neither you or your husband have done anything wrong and yet she is still hurt. Unfortunately this is life. Try not to dwell on her and her feelings. Everyone is quick to ‘blame’ your husband but while I can feel empathy with his ex I think that this is now her issue to seek support for (through friends or therapy) Lots of people are asking why did you post on here but I would ask - what did his ex hope to achieve by sending her message? Because to me I can’t see any other explanation than to make your husband feel bad? So I do feel that though of course she has a right to feel however she feels. I would question her intentions as agree with OP that it’s a shame she’s not in a ‘better place’ where she has been able to move on and can be if not happy then neutral about their news.

Gosh - there are some bitter & frankly bizarre responses on here!
The majority of my female friends who got divorced felt at least slightly miffed when their other halves started new families - although it seems an unreasonable reaction I can empathise - essentially it’s just basic protection instincts re their existing kids and worrying if/how it might change things. It does sound like she’s unreasonably harbouring resentment towards you but you’re just going to have to ignore it, keep calm and hold the higher moral ground!

Agree that this is a big thing. Also it can be really hard on children to see their dad living with a new sibling when he no longer lives with them.

I think it's best for the ex-wife if she comes to terms with it but her thoughts shouldn't have any impact on you either way.

I sort of thought this too.

I can see why his ex wife is upset. I mean imagine if you had managed to have a marriage and three gorgeous kids with someone; then they left you, and then you had to watch them do it with someone else? Wouldn’t you feel a bit devastated and lost? Like your life plan had maybe been ruined? Or would you just accept the new woman easily and with grace?
If I went through a divorce I would not be happy with my DH choosing a new woman and then them spending loads of time with my kids. Of course it’s a common scenario; but in their mother and I decide who is in their lives when they’re children. I agree you underestimate how much the daughter might be trying to please her father; especially if the parents are divorced.

I would imagine your husband's ex wife, is more concerned about the effect a new baby will have on the existing children. Men often have a child with a new partner, and his existing children, are pushed aside and forgotten. I'm not suggesting your husband would do this, but from his ex's point of view, I doubt she expected him to want a divorce, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that she's concerned he could 'forget' his existing children.

She may also be concerned about inheritance further down the line. Is your husband likely to leave everything to you in his Will? Unless he puts provision into his Will for all his children, there's nothing stopping you from disinheriting his 3 children from his first marriage! Again, I'm not suggesting you would do it, but your husband's ex wife doesn't know that!

You're never going to be friends with your husband's ex wife. She may quietly tolerate you, and that's about all you can expect. It sounds as if you are being respectful towards her position as the children's Mum, whilst maintaining your own relationship with his children. You aren't responsible for your husband's ex's feelings or emotions. They are hers to manage. However, her feelings are still valid, and shouldn't be dismissed.

I think your situation is very different to his which is why you can’t empathise. I’d guess with three kids they’ve been through it all together and she thought he was her one for life then rug pulled out. It’s not that easy to just move on

Wow. Such projection.

In your situation the ex wife sounds awful & is making things difficult for you but the OP has only said that her husband's ex wife sent a text saying she was upset at the news of the pregnancy - nothing other than that.

That's why posters are wondering why the OP is posting and what the fuss is about.

It's understandable that the ex wife has those feelings and it's not about how much time has passed since their divorce; she would likely have those feelings even ten years after because it will feel really strange and will likely change things for her own children in many ways.

But at the moment all she has done is express those feelings, the OP doesn't mention any bunny boiler behaviour.
It seems the OP came here because she just wanted to hear people criticise the ex wife for "not moving on".

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Ignore all the sour faced replies on here!
In a perfect world we'd all come from stable upbringings, be well educated, have perfect careers, meet our partner in our early 20s, not live together for years before we knew they were 'the one', get married, have only 2 children before we were 30, be a SAHM cooking organic foods, no screen time for children, managed the family finances etc and live happily ever after!
Yeah because thats exactly how life goes isn't it?!
I met my (divorced) husband in my early 40s, moved in together, had a baby at 43 and am loving life! His ex is an absolute bitch and does everything possible to try and ruin our lives. There's something to be said about leaving a controlling woman (YES MN, THEY DO EXIST!!!!) ; they tend to be forever scorned, hell hath no fury etc......
Of course I'd have lived to have met my husband earlier in life but we don't live in a fairytale unfortunately.
My best advice is to grey rock her. Be pleasant towards her in conversation with her children and communicate with her only when absolutely necessary.
Otherwise just enjoy your life and focus on making your marriage a happy one!

I don't get the problem?
So his ex wife is upset that he's having another child but it doesn't sound like her being upset has any impact on you so I don't understand why you are posting?

It's understandable that she's upset and thrown by it, she probably wasn't expecting him to take on another child when he already has three to support - and, trust me, they don't get cheaper as they get older! And she is probably concerned about how another child will ultimately affect her kids once the excitement has worn down and the reality of life with a baby kicks in.
Plus it will feel like a punch in the guts to think of him doing the whole fatherhood again with someone else.

But none of this really affects you, it's her upset and she has to come to terms with the situation.

You seem a nice person so I don't really understand why you can't have some empathy towards her & why you had to create an AIBU to ponder why she "hasn't moved on"?
You are about to be a mother yourself, I wouldn't have thought it would be that hard to put yourself in her shoes.

She doesn't need to interact or even acknowledge our child and neither do his children I would want my child to have a relationship with their siblings but also understand if that is not possible

@OneGreatFawn If his younger two children live with you 50% of the time, how are they going to avoid interaction or acknowledging your new baby? Is one of the 3 existing children going to lose their bedroom in their father's house? Assuming you have a 4 bedroom house atm.

Is your DH going to not see his children for a few weeks after your newborn arrives because you may have PFB expectations and don't want anyone around your (joint) baby?

Their mum's reaction is not unreasonable at all. A new baby will impact her children's lives. The 15 year old sitting exams in a house with an infant, won't be a great situation either. So they might end up spending less and less time at dad's house.

How do you know she doesn't have a relationship? If father has genuine 50/50 of his kids then she has plenty of child free time and may just not want to complicate her children's lives by introducing a new partner, even if it is a long term relationship.

I had a relationship with a man who had children, they had been divorced a couple of years before I met him. I never met his children who he had almost 50% of term time (he collected them from school every day) because we were only together 10 months, but he wouldn't have known if his ex had a new partner that she saw while he had the children, she didn't know I existed.

Christ, this sounds very bitter

I have a friend in the ex wife’s position. We are almost 20 years in and she has never come to terms with the divorce, separation, the new partner and child. All of her hopes and dreams for her own family unit were dashed. The loss of those dreams, the life she now doesn’t get to live, is very real. I feel she needed professional help to process it, but she didn’t feel it would have any value, and that’s her choice.

Hi OP, I am someone who grew up with a terrible step mother, have half siblings much younger than me, went through a very extremely complicated family situation and have now had kids in my early 40s. I say this because you seem to have gotten a hard time here and yet (a) you sound like you really care about your family and step kids, (b) no teenagers are going to be interacting with you in a friendly proactive way for any other reason than you have behaved really well to them, (c) there is no reason why your step children shouldn't love you child deeply - I loathe my ex step mother but see her children as my siblings, you have a much better relationship so it sounds like it will come naturally. I do think people are right you can't control how she feels. On everything else - good luck with the pregnancy, assuming it works out I am sure you will continue to build a healthy and loving blended family, My siblings and I were in our teens when our half siblings were born and we loved them despite the extreme toxicity of other aspects of the situation because they were innocent kids, we saw them grow into people and we also loved our Dad.

OP, you havent done anything wrong. In fact, it looks like you've done everything right and that you're a lovely person. It also looks like his ex is a lovelt person who's tried to do everything right. In spite of that, through no fault of her own, she's ended up without the man she loved and wanted, while you've ended up with him, and she occasionally even feels like she's competing for affection with you as regards her own children. Then, the one experience that was only theirs, the fact that they shared children together, is also being taken away from her, because you're
now sharing having a child with him too. It's not your fault at all, you havent done anything wrong at all, so it must feel unsettling to know youre upsetting someone while just trying to live your own life in a considerate and fullfilled way. She'll have to manage her own feelings but I guess sometimes people struggle and it takes time. Don't feel bad though and good luck with your pregnancy!!

He walked out on her and their 3 children, the youngest of which was 3.

Now, he's 50 and having a fourth baby with a younger version.

And you cant see why she's not impressed??

Just because she has negative feelings about this doesn't mean she hasn't moved on FFS. A blended family is one of the last things I would want for my DCs. It very rarely works and it's always the 'old' DCs who suffer the most. I would be gutted too in her position.

Once you are a mother yourself you might understand her better, especially if your DH tags out while your DC is very young like he did to her.

It really is grim