AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

I’ve said this myself too maybe one day I’ll look back and understand it differently, or maybe I never will. My situation is slightly different because it isn’t even guaranteed that I’ll have a child of my own. We do not plan to try again after the miscarriage, I have come to terms with the fact that I might not get to have any children and that is okay. Enough to even know that my pregnancy might not make it to the due date, things happen, life isn't linear.

I’m genuinely trying my best to understand and see things from everyone’s perspective. What I do know is that I would never force my child into my husband’s children’s lives. If, in time, they decide they want a relationship with their half-sibling, then that would be lovely. If they don’t, then that’s life, and it’s something we would have to navigate and accept. People grow, move on, and life changes.

I have older half-siblings who are 10–20 years older than me, and we’re all very close. They spent a lot of time with me and my brother growing up and seemed to genuinely enjoy having younger siblings. Even now they give me advice, and they’ve given me advice about this situation too, because they were once in the same position as my husband’s children.

I also didn’t meet my husband with the intention of interfering with his children’s lives. In fact, that was a deal-breaker for me initially. I liked him enough to keep seeing him, but he was completely honest with me from the beginning. I think one of the first things he told me on our first date was that if things were ever going to go anywhere between us, I needed to understand that he had young children and that they meant the world to him.That has always been something I’ve respected and understood. I’m not trying to take anyone’s place or force myself or any future child of ours into their lives. I’m just trying to find a way for everyone to navigate the situation as fairly and respectfully as possible. We thought things through before trying for a child its not a surprise of accident its very much planned and we know plans don't always work so we have planned for the plans to not work out.

No I do not think she claims CMS. They have their own private arrangements between them regarding maintenance and the children's expenses, including school fees and other costs. They have always dealt with those things between themselves rather than through CMS. She also earns slightly more than he does so their financial arrangements aren't simply a case of him paying maintenance while she covers everything else. They have worked out between themselves how the costs of raising the children are shared, and that is something I don't get involved in. I have only gotten involved in it in terms of working out the costs for our child, nursery etc.

I don't see the arrival of our baby as meaning his older children suddenly become less important, he loves his children and that matters to me to as I care about his children, my child isn't more important than his current existing children, they are all his children. Of course there will be more juggling and there will be occasions where we have to work around commitments, but that's true of any family with several children.

If one of his children has an event that expects parents to be there as there are hockey matches where parents do not attend, the middle child was in America over summer for 2 weeks for a hockey tour and no parent was there it was just the school, I would expect him to continue supporting them, he is their father. Equally, there will be things that are important to our child. We'll have to manage those situations as they arise rather than assuming in advance that one child will always have to come second.
I think it's quite possible to have another child without abandoning the children you already have but then again this is something we would have to navigate, I can't speculate it all till baby is here. It will require more organisation but that doesn't mean his relationship with his older children has to suffer.

I want all of his children to feel equally loved, valued and important and I really hope we can find a way of making the new family dynamic work for everyone. I don't expect it to be completely straightforward particularly in the first couple of years, and I'm very conscious that there will be an adjustment period for all of us.

I also have some personal experience of this. My dad was 54 when he had me and I have half-siblings who I've always had a very good relationship with. Each family is different though I would like for my child to know his siblings and have a bond with them whether that happens I do not know and it takes time, I do not plan to force my baby onto them. I've actually spoken to my half siblings about their experiences and asked how they felt when our dad's circumstances changed and he had other children with someone else. So I'm not going into this thinking it will automatically be easy or assuming that the children will feel a particular way about it. All I know from my family experiences is that everything mellowed out and I am very close to all of my siblings and they loved my brother and I lots of photos from our childhood, lots of time spent together and I enjoyed having siblings with 10+ years of age gap who still give me advice to this day. In an idea world people would only get married once but that isn't real life things change, life isn't linear.

There were a lot of reasons why we ultimately decided to go our separate ways; it wasn't simply about moving or having different views about children. It was actually a fairly amicable separation and we have both moved on with our lives.
I still speak to his mum from time to time, and he is now married to someone who didn't want children, and I'm genuinely happy for them.

Sometimes marriages simply don't work out despite the best intentions. I'm grateful for the time we had together and everything we shared and he is a wonderful person he deserves to be happy.

Maybe so and that would be a shame. I hope I have created an environment where they feel they can be honest about how they feel how they feel. They are not entitled to be happy they are allowed to be upset.

Maybe its a common situation I don't know but the ages of children on here are changed since its a public forum

That is a shame and I can completely understand that these things can be very difficult for children to process. I don't expect them to simply embrace the situation and it may take time if they are simply excited to not upset their father which would be a shame, they are allowed to be upset. They may feel differently about the baby about me, or about their relationship with their dad at different points and ultimately I can't force any of that. Neither can their father.

We have actually talked about this quite a lot, including his own experience of having half-siblings. He is very close to his half-siblings so hopefully that will be something positive for them to draw on as they are close with their father's siblings but I appreciate that every family and every child is different. All we can do is give them time, space and reassurance and navigate things as sensitively as we can.

In an ideal world nobody would have gone through a divorce and none of this would have been necessary. But sometimes relationships end, life moves on, and families change. The important thing for me is that the children are allowed to have whatever feelings they have about it without being pressured while making sure they know they are loved and still have a relationship with their dad.

I completely agree that if a marriage is no longer working either person is entitled to leave. It isn't a case of someone being expected to stay in a marriage indefinitely because they have children. Obviously I would expect it to be handled as well and responsibly as possible but I don't have an issue with someone deciding that a relationship has come to an end.

I'm expecting a child myself and if he ultimately decided that our relationship wasn't working after we had our child I wouldn't believe he should be forced to stay. Of course I would hope that he would continue to have a loving and meaningful relationship with our child because ultimately that would be what mattered most to me.

Nobody goes into a marriage hoping it will end but life doesn't always work out as planned. People change circumstances change and sometimes relationships change with them. If that happens you just have to adapt and whatever else is going on between the adults make sure the children are supported loved and kept at the centre of the situation.

I don't think having children should mean someone is expected to put the rest of their life on hold indefinitely. I'm not going to count someone out as a potential partner simply because they have children. Relationships and marriages end and people are still entitled to move forward and build a new life while continuing to be a committed and involved parent to the children they already have.

For me those two things aren't mutually exclusive. His children have always been an important part of his life and that was something I understood from the beginning. It was a dealbreaker for me and I decided to get to know him and here we are now. But being a good father doesn't mean he has to remain single forever.

I am not going to go in detail into their divorce arrangement that was decided before I even met him but I have explained roughly the arrangement if you have a look. He has always had the children 50/50. In England, shared care doesn't necessarily mean a strict week-about arrangement and because we all live in the same town their arrangement is more flexible. The children spend alternate weekends with him plus some weekday evenings with him for dinner alongside the rest of their time with their mum. Every sports game he goes with their mum, they have a co parenting relationship. They have always had an ongoing, substantial relationship and routine with both parents.So the suggestion that he has simply been a “present dad” who saw them at weekends while their mum did the actual parenting isn't accurate. He has always been sharing the care of them.

And for clarity I didn't just meet the children and move straight into their lives. I didn't meet them for around a year after we got together specifically because I wanted to make sure I wasn't being introduced into their lives prematurely and because they also live at his house 50/50 of the time. I only moved into his home after I had spent time with the children and we were all comfortable with that.
There was no situation where he abandoned three young children and immediately moved another woman in. He has continued to parent them throughout and they have two homes within the same town.

I think some of the conclusions being drawn about what happened are based on assumptions rather than what the actual arrangements have been. I mean today his children are at his place, he has gone out with them, his eldest is now at university as of this sept so she will not be here 50/50 of the time or even at her mum's house.