AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

I’m not expecting her to have responded with “hooray” at all. I completely accept that even years after a divorce hearing that your ex is having another child can bring up difficult or unexpected feelings. I think I was just a little taken aback by how emotional the reaction was she said it felt like a “punch in the face” and messaged him asking why he was “doing this to her”amongst other things, no mention of the children or anything of that sort. I can have empathy for that I am just confused as they haven't been married for years of course he was going to move on all that should matter is that he is a great and involved father to his existing children. Maybe she is worried he won't be but the baby isn't even here, she has no examples yet to be worried about, I care alot about his children so they will always also be priority, the 4 of them are his children its not as though I came into this relationship with my own children to join the family. Theres plenty of blended families around the country.

I think there’s a tendency to talk about remarriage as though it’s somehow inherently unfair or a bad thing to do when really relationships sometimes break down and that is simply part of life. I’m sure most people would ideally like to have married once(I know i would) had it worked out and never experienced divorce, but unfortunately life doesn’t always follow the plan we started with. No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end, and I don’t think divorce should ever be taken lightly, particularly when children are involved, but equally, if two people reach the point where the marriage is no longer right for them, I don’t think the answer is that they should stay unhappy or never love or marry again. There can be sadness, complicated feelings and a period of adjustment for everyone involved and those feelings deserve empathy but that doesn’t mean people have to stop living their lives. My husband having an ex wife is simply part of his history, just as my previous marriage is part of mine, and neither of us can change that we can only move forward. I personally do not look down on people who are divorced but I am biased I have had a marriage break down luckily no children were involved but it was still painful.

I think this is probably where I’m overthinking it. My husband hasn’t said he feels he shouldn’t have moved on and I’m not suggesting his ex is preventing him from doing so. I keep coming back to it because of some of the things she has said and the way she has reacted. She has actually asked him directly why he is “doing this to her” as well as on messages and there was also the message she sent, which is probably why I’ve found myself trying to understand it, particularly as they have been divorced for years.We’ve also had our own difficult experience with this. We had a miscarriage, which devastated both of us and afterwards we agreed that we wanted to try again. So having a child together wasn’t some casual decision or something we’ve taken lightly.

I completely accept that she may have complicated feelings about it. I’m not saying she isn’t entitled to them. Perhaps I’m just trying too hard to make sense of them because I care about everyone involved. He hasn’t expressed guilt or regret about moving on it was his decision to divorce as he was unhappy. So yes, perhaps I do need to step back and accept that she can feel however she feels without there necessarily being a bigger issue behind it.

But those timings haven’t changed. I haven’t changed the year I met my husband or the fact that he had been divorced for years before I even knew who he was. That is still exactly what happened.

I’m honestly not sure where the idea that I’m changing the important circumstances has come from. I’ve changed some identifying details, such as ages of children because this is a public forum and there are children involved.That doesn’t mean I’ve changed the substance of the situation.
As for the children’s feelings, I can’t really see how I could be accused of lying about those when I can only tell you what I understand and have experienced. They are people with their own feelings, and I’m not claiming to know everything they think or feel privately.

I’m also not quite sure why you’re so invested in the idea that I’m deliberately lying to get people “on my side” I came here for perspective same way I have asked my siblings for perspective as they were in this exact situation since our father remarried my mother. I posted because I wanted other people’s perspectives and I’m perfectly capable of hearing things I don’t agree with. If I wanted to manufacture a story purely to get a particular response, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here explaining why I changed some minor identifying details.

You’re absolutely entitled to think I’ve given too little information or that you don’t believe me but I do not believe I need to share the exact details of children under who have not consented. That’s fair enough. But changing identifying details for privacy isn’t the same thing as changing the fundamental facts of the situation and I think there’s an important distinction between the two. I don't think it is a requirement to give the exact ages of the children, I have said we have been together for 4 years, married this year, those are just the facts.

I think you may be giving me rather more credit for having some elaborate strategy here than is actually the case! I genuinely can’t put every detail of my previous marriage on a public forum, and I don’t think I need to in order for the overall situation to be truthful. I also don't think that is a prerequiste to post on here for advice. There are identifying details I’ve changed, including ages, because these are real people and this is a public forum. I don’t think my husband’s children’s exact ages are anyone else’s business, particularly when they’re not the ones choosing to have their family circumstances discussed online.

The actual circumstances of my previous marriage are also a lot more complicated than one or two sentences can convey. My ex is Australian; we met in our 20s in south america when I was travelling after uni and he originally wanted to stay in England but later changed his mind and wanted to move back to Australia. He missed home and ultimately wanted me to move there with him, but I didn’t want to move to a country where I had no family or support network. We also fundamentally disagreed about having children. He didn’t want them and I did and we even tried fostering because I hoped it might change how he felt. He hated fostering I loved it. So there were plenty of other reasons the marriage ultimately ended.

And I think there’s also a tendency on here to assume that if a marriage ends, someone must have been the “bad guy”. That really isn’t always the case. He was unhappy in his marriage and made the decision to leave. There isn’t any great “bad blood” between them, and I have no reason to think he doesn’t still care about her on some level. People can love someone, share a huge part of their lives with them and still reach a point where the marriage isn’t right for them anymore.I actually understand that because I feel similarly about my own ex-husband. I don’t hate him and I don’t wish him badly. I’ll probably always have a soft spot for him because we shared a significant part of our lives together. I don’t think a marriage ending necessarily needs to have a villain and a victim.
None of that changes the central point of my post, though. I haven’t altered the substance to make myself look better. I’ve simply not provided every private detail or identifying fact about several other people.

My husband also knows I go on Mumsnet I’ve actually shown him the thread so there isn’t some secret version of events being constructed behind anyone’s back.People are obviously free to take what I’ve written with a pinch of salt if they want to, but I’m slightly amused by the idea that changing ages for privacy somehow means its bad. Sometimes an age is just an age that has been changed because it’s a public forum

I’m not writing a witness statement here. I’m sharing my experience and asking for opinions and a bit of perspective thats all while trying to protect the privacy of the people involved. The broad circumstances and the crux of the situation are true even if I’m not going to provide every single detail that would allow strangers to identify.

Exactly. People do remarry and move on and I’m not sure what the alternative is supposed to be. Someones previous marriage ending doesn’t mean they’re supposed to remain alone indefinitely, particularly when the divorce happened years before they met their new partner.

Of course there can be complicated feelings especially for the kids and I don’t think those should be dismissed. But people are allowed to rebuild their lives fall in love again, get married and have more children. That doesn’t automatically mean they’re replacing anyone or disregarding the children from their first marriage.

And I think your experience is a good example of why you can’t really predict these things. Your stepchildren ended up doting on their younger sibling and now they’re all close as adults. There are obviously no guarantees that every blended family will work out exactly the same way but equally there’s no reason to assume it will all be negative or that a new marriage and baby necessarily damages the existing family relationships.

Sometimes people just move on, life changes and everyone finds their own way through it. In 20 years time things will be completely different I hope my child can have a good positive relationship with his/her siblings the same way I do with mine albeit they are my half siblings I see them as my siblings and never really differentiate between that.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to change children’s ages slightly when posting on a public forum, particularly when you’re sharing personal family circumstances. I’m not sure why that’s being treated as some sort of inconsistency.

My marriage ended for a number of reasons, and I’m sorry, but not wanting to move to Australia a country I’m not from, never even visited, and where I had no family, friends or support network was a perfectly valid position to have. I still speak to his parents and siblings and I was very close to them, he is back home, married and quite happy its not as though we hate each other, I have video called his sister to say happy birthday to her daughter and my ex husband has been there and we have said hi and had small talk. Sometimes marriages just end you do not have to stay with someone if you are unhappy is my view. There was obviously more to the breakdown of the marriage than that one issue.

Changing identifying details such as ages when posting publicly doesn’t invalidate anything I’ve said. It’s a public forum and I’m entitled to protect my privacy while still asking for advice surely ? If you disagree you can report or not read the thread

I can absolutely see that it may have been difficult for her, and I’m not saying she can’t have found any of this hard. A divorce she didn’t want, seeing an ex move on, then him remarrying and having another child could obviously bring up all sorts of feelings. I have empathy for that.But I do think we’re filling in an awful lot of blanks here about what she feels and how she has experienced each of these things. We don’t actually know that she feels betrayed by the children liking me, or that each announcement has been another “rug pulled out from under her”. That’s an interpretation rather than something I’ve been told by her.
And honestly what were we supposed to do? My husband had been divorced for years before I even met him. It wasn’t a case of them splitting up and him meeting me a few weeks later getting married and having a baby. There was a long period of time between his marriage ending and me even coming into the picture.

I understand that his life moving on may have been painful for her but I don’t think the answer can be that he stops moving on. At some point he is allowed to remarry, I’m allowed to become his wife, and we’re allowed to decide that we want a child together. None of those things were done to her, even if she understandably has feelings about them.I think there’s also a difference between having empathy for someone and taking responsibility for their emotions. I can completely accept that this might be difficult for her without believing that my husband and I should have put our lives on hold to make it easier for her.

And with the childrenI I amn very conscious that they didn’t choose any of this. I wouldn’t force a relationship with me or with a future half sibling, and I wouldn’t expect them to be delighted about everything. If they need time, space or have complicated feelings then they’re entitled to that. But they also have a father who has moved on with his life and I don’t think that can realistically mean his life stops developing because his previous marriage to their mother ended.
I suppose I just think everyone has to be allowed to move forward eventually.

I think the distinction I’m trying to make is between sharing a father and being entitled to a relationship with each other. I completely understand that practically, lives will overlap because they have the same father and I’m not pretending they can be kept in completely separate boxes.

What I mean is that I wouldn’t assume or demand a particular relationship between them. They may naturally become close they may have a more distant relationship or their relationship may change over time. I don’t think any of us can predict that now and I don’t think it would be healthy to put expectations on either the older children or the younger one about what their relationship should look like. What I am saying is they do not have to have anything to do with my child if that is what makes them happy. Ultimately I would want everyone to have autonomy in their decisions although it would be great for my child to have a positive relationship with his/her siblings like I did in a similar position (i have half siblings 10-20 years older than me)

Ultimately, I’m not trying to compartmentalise anyone or pretend there won’t be an impact on everyone involved. I’m saying that I would want to respect the older children’s autonomy and allow the relationships to develop naturally rather than assuming that sharing a father automatically means a particular level of closeness or involvement, it is up to them solely if they want anything to do with my child they will never be forced to have any sort of relationship if they do not want to. In an ideal world/utopia of course I would want them all to have a positive relationship but the world doesn't work that way and I recognise that.

I think he would have liked to have been married to the mother of his children but life happens , things sometimes don't always work out. No point in staying in a situation that you are unhappy with better to just divorce. No one gets married just to get divorced, I was married previously too and albeit i chose to end the marriage it was not an easy decision for me to make but I was unhappy.