AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

There seems to be a universal view on here that I’ve somehow missed, which is that if you get married, divorce and then move on, you’re somehow a bad person who shouldn’t have remarried. I genuinely don’t understand that. People should be allowed to leave any relationships they’re unhappy in. People change, circumstances change and sometimes two people simply end up wanting different things further down the line. That doesn’t necessarily make either person a bad person and it certainly doesn’t mean they should be expected to stay single forever afterwards. Life goes on. I don’t believe being divorced is a character flaw, and I don’t think someone being divorced should define the rest of their life.

I agree that she’s allowed to be hurt, and I’ve never said otherwise. I think where I struggle is with the idea that leaving a marriage necessarily means he has done something morally wrong simply because he broke his vows. Marriage is a commitment but it isn’t a lifetime obligation to remain in a relationship regardless of how unhappy you become, in my view at least. I do not believe anyone is obligated to stay with someone even if you are married, we are married but also if he was unhappy or I was either of us is free to leave the marriage, if you love someone surely their happiness is important regardless of how tough it is. No sane person in the marriage goes into it wanting to later divorce

WOW! I thought my father had lots aha. We do not plan to have anymore children and that will not change for me at least. If he desires more children he is free to find another wife

The ages have been changed on here. I mentioned at the start that ages of children as they have not consented to be on a public forum have been slightly chnaged.

I agree and that is why I can recognise that sometimes marriages do not work out I to have been divorced and know how painful that is luckily for us no children were involved. For me my marriage is not a dictatorship if he is unhappy he is able to leave all I wouldn't want to be with someone who is unhappy with me just for the sake of keeping the marriage.

The inheritance will be fine. Her side of the family is considerably wealthier than my husband and his family combined, and my child obviously isn’t entitled to anything from their half siblings’ mother’s side of the family anyway.
And I wouldn’t say he left her for me? They divorced years before I ever met him he didn’t even know I existed when their marriage ended. Our relationship came much later so I don’t think it’s fair to frame their divorce as something he did in order to be with me.

I do not see any issue with me being younger than him, it is only 10 years that's hardly anything at this stage in our lives its not as though we met and I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s. I met him in my my mid 30s. and he was in his mid 40s.

Not necessarily I do not expect her to have anything to do with my child. I do however just think it is confusing to say to someone 'why are you doing this to me' etc by having a child, the child is not going to take anything away from her, they are no longer together, he is still very much involved with his children and co parenting. That is all I am trying to understand because they have been divorced a long time its not like they got divorced yesterday or last year or the year before its been a while now. I just thought one would be happy for someone, I am happy for my ex husband that he has found someone he is happy with, life moves on I cherish the time we had and that is all. It is not as though he has abandoned her and their children he simply just decided the marriage wasn't for him, tried counselling with her and that solidified his decision that he will be happier outside the marriage and the children will ultimately grow up happier other than in a household where the father is unhappy.

I do not expect any sort of relationship from her, we are very different people I do not want one big family her children are her and my husband's children, they do not come here for Christmas they come for boxing day etc, everything is divided equally in terms of the time each one spends with the children.

It is quite odd that this the first thing that comes to mind. I do not think money is his exes worry, she earns more than him and has more money than his anyway, majority of his children's inheritances will be from the mothers side. They have nothing to worry about my child will not 'steal' from them.

My dad left his previous wife when he was in his 40s, he wasn't happy in the marriage so left then met my mother 11 years later. There was never any bad blood between my father and his ex wife (my siblings mum) no infidelity. I do not know where this universal law came about, regarding men in their 40s. Choosing to divorce has nothing to do with age in my view, anyone can divorce if they are not happy, I left my first husband because I wasn't happy, my older brother left his wife because he wasn't happy and has since remarried. It is life people realise they want different things no one has to stay married for the sake of it, its not a dictatorship people have a choice to leave when they do not want to stay.

I understand that I guess I am just analysing her saying why is he doing this to her etc. Whereas I do not see him as having another child as doing something to her. I guess its just something we have to learn to navigate and all move forward hopefully once baby is a little older things can settle down. My child won't be taking anything away from the existing family albeit he is as much the fathers baby as the others. Many people remarry and have children all the time we are not the first and certainly won't be the last. I myself am a product of this my father had me at 54 and my brother at 58 we got on well with our older half siblings, their mum was even always around us,, I have lots of photos at my birthday parties etc where my dad, my mum and his ex wife and her husband and all their respective kids all in the photos. This isn't new I just never imagined myself to be in this position aha

You’re right. I think from my perspective, I just thought, “They’ve been divorced for quite a while, surely it doesn’t have the same impact anymore.” It’s not as though they divorced a month ago, he met me shortly afterwards, and a week later we were announcing a baby. There’s been a significant amount of time between their marriage ending, us meeting, getting together and eventually deciding to have a child. He told her because we had to tell his children since I am showing as they spend a great deal of time at their father's place and I see them every time so it was best for him to tell their mum so we can tell his children.

But she hasn’t said that he went anywhere else and I certainly don’t know because I wasn’t in his life at the time. I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to fill in the gaps with assumptions about what must have happened.

I also don’t understand why someone leaving a marriage in their 40s even with young children is bad, they did counselling and through that he decided the marriage was not for him and he would be happier not being married. People can reach a point where they are unhappy in a marriage and decide they cannot continue with it. That doesn’t necessarily mean there was an affair or someone waiting in the wings. In this case, there wasn’t any infidelity. Is it universal that a man in his 40s cannot choose to divorce if they are not happy ?

Of course, leaving a marriage with children involved has consequences and I’m not suggesting it’s an easy or consequence-free decision. The children’s wellbeing has to be considered, and their relationship with both parents matters. But I don’t think having children means you lose the ability to decide that your marriage is no longer right for you. Sometimes staying together isn’t necessarily the healthier or happier outcome for everyone either.

Ultimately I wasn’t there all I can see is that they have had a very good relationship coparenting and he will always care about her, she is the mother of his child who he loves more than anything. I think everyone has autonomy to leave a marriage you do not need to stay married to someone if you are unhappy surely that is bad for the children if parents stay together for the sake of it, people grow and change and realise they want different things in life, that is just part of life in my view anyway.