AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

He has never been against having more children nor has she. He wasn't happy in the marriage.

If you do not mind please explain to me ?

I see it as they have been divorced a while, he did not just turn up with a new wife and new child two days after they divorced. She still had years to process even before I even knew my husband existed or even met him. Its also not as though the children have met numerous partners since their mother and father divorced, it took just over a year for him to introduce me to his children as he wanted to make sure the relationship would at least last before getting his children involved.

Wat do you mean sorry ? I don't personally have any concerns about him, he has always put his children first and him remarrying or having another child doesn't mean his children do not matter. Those two things are not mutually exclusive two things can be true at once, he can have another child but also love his existing children. He is not the first person to do it, I recognise navigating both may be a challenge at the start but all we can do is try our best and go with the best intention.

I understand that, but they are all his children, and it’s not as though I came into the relationship with children of my own and expected them to fit around me. I came into their lives and wanted to have a positive relationship with them because they are a huge part of their dad’s life. They spend 50% of their time with him and this is their home too. I’ve never tried to replace anyone or have them call me Mum, they call me by my name, we have boundaries, and I’ve always tried to be respectful of their existing family relationships. I’m married to their father so it would actually be quite strange for me to make no effort to have a relationship with them. Surely that would cause problems.

And I don’t think having children means you’re somehow no longer allowed to remarry or have another child. Having children is a lifelong responsibility, absolutely but it doesn’t mean your own life stops developing. My husband has continued to be an involved father: he has a home with space for all of his children and their own rooms, contributes to their expenses, school fees, spends significant time with them, attends their events etc and has maintained a close relationship with them. I genuinely don’t know what more he could reasonably do other than never remarry or have another child and I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. People change, circumstances change and sometimes life doesn’t turn out how we originally imagined. All you can really do is try to navigate those changes thoughtfully and make sure the children remain loved and cared for which is what he has done. They absolutely adore their father and have never had any complaints about him, he's always there for them and shows up constantly as he should. I do not think he went into marriage wanting it to end, he was devastated but ultimately he wanted to end the marriage because he was unhappy in the marriage that would not have been a good household for his children to grow up in.

Yeah it seems that no one should be allowed to remarry if they do they are automatically a bad person. No nuance whatsoever, sometimes relationships just don't work out, are you supposed to just stay in an unhappy situation and be unhappy for you to be a good person?

I’m not really sure what you expect me to say. So far he has been a very good and involved father to his children and we both understand that having a baby will inevitably change the family dynamics. We’ve actually discussed this extensively, and the one thing we both agree on is that we want all of the children to feel loved, supported and secure.

The first few years with a baby will inevitably be more difficult and require some adjustment and we’ll have to navigate that when the time comes. Maybe we’ll handle it well, maybe there will be difficult periods, and maybe life will take us somewhere neither of us expects. It could end in tears or even divorce or we might find a way to make it all work. None of us can know the future. All I can do is go into it with the intention of doing the best I can for all of the children and for our family as a whole.

Not sure where I’ve said my father didn’t consider me? but alright. My father was a wonderful dad and is still one of my favourite people. I love him enormously and I wish I could have more time with him, he is 94 and I see him 4 or 5 times a week even.

And I agree that having a child is a choice, not an inevitability. I’m not saying otherwise. I’m saying that people are allowed to make that choice just as they’re allowed to decide that they don’t want any more children. The fact that an existing child may have complicated feelings about it doesn’t mean the decision itself is inherently wrong.

I also completely agree that if a child has formed a close bond with a step-parent, that relationship comes with responsibility. I take that seriously which is precisely why I wouldn’t want to make promises about relationships that I can’t control or pretend that change is always easy for children. But I also think there’s a difference between acknowledging that a young person may struggle with change and assuming that their father having another child means he has failed to consider them.

I’m not trying to minimise what she may be experiencing, and I certainly don’t want to “pass anything down”. I’m trying to understand a complicated family situation while also accepting that none of us can guarantee that life will remain exactly as it is now, things happen, people change, people divorce, that is life. My husband can be a loving, involved father to his existing children and also choose to have another child. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

How has she raised them alone? He sees them during the week and at weekends, and they have had a 50/50 arrangement since the divorce. You really don’t need to apologise! I understand the point you’re making, but he has remained a very involved father for years, and even she acknowledges that.
He wasn’t obligated to stay in a marriage he was unhappy in simply because they had children together. He did, however, have an obligation to his children, and he has fulfilled that by continuing to be present, maintaining a close relationship with them and sharing their care equally.

I chose him because I love him and he makes me very happy. I’m sure at one point she felt the same about him, and maybe one day I won’t feel the way I do now either. That’s why I’ve always maintained my own independence and plans I don’t rely on him and I know I could live without him if our marriage ever ended. If he left today my life will not come crashing down, I am 40, have a career and a great support system, my life doesn't revolve around the marriage its not something that is important about me I have achieved far better things.

What matters to me is that if we ever did divorce, our child would still have a loving and meaningful relationship with their dad. I can’t guarantee that I’ll make him happy forever, any more than he can guarantee the same for me. I think that’s just the reality of relationships. We choose each other, we try to make it work, and if one day it genuinely no longer works, we’re both free to make that decision. Having children means you have lifelong responsibilities to them; it doesn’t mean you’re obligated to remain married to their other parent forever. Life goes on.

As far as I can see he is still their father and is still very much involved in their lives. His ex wife doesn't need to have anything to do with our child ? no one is expecting her to do any baby sitting or anything if you are inferring to inheritances I have explained the family dynamic, Dh and I have pennies compared to the ex wife and my child would not be entitled to it obviously only her 3 children.

That is a shame I can understand why that experience would make you wary, particularly for your daughter’s sake. Relationships do change though, and I think that’s one of the difficult realities of blended families. I have made the effort with my husband's children but there is also boundaries, they are his children not mine and I am aware marriages can fail that is just life.

I do have the means to look after my own child and my own village that doesn't include my husband but I’m not expecting anyone else to take responsibility for them. If he chooses to leave that is well and truly up to him, I am not going to force someone to be in a situation they are unhappy with, so far we are happy but both aware things change. And I’m certainly not assuming that relationships will always stay the same people can become closer, drift apart, relationships end and circumstances change. I think all we can really do is try to handle those changes as kindly and responsibly as possible.

I also don’t subscribe to the idea that people should remain in unhappy marriages simply to avoid the possibility of upsetting the family further down the line. If a relationship is no longer working people are allowed to leave and particularly where there is infidelity. So if there was infidelity that is up to him all that would matter in the divorce is my child being considered and having a relationship with their father. I don’t think anyone can guarantee that every relationship will last forever.