AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

How old was their youngest when he left? Because if you've been together four years and he was divorced for years before that, it suggests that their youngest was quite young when he decided that he wanted out.

YABU to give this so much thought. You say you understand why she is upset with the pregnancy, so why not leave it at that? It doesn't sound like she is doing anything to cause anyone harm. I think her sharing her feelings with the man she married and shared her children with is fair enough. Most people enter a marriage with the belief it will be for life, him starting another family is like the final nail in the coffin and she has every right to be upset and to let him know that.

You don’t need to get it deleted. You’ve had some unpleasantly snarky replies but that’s absolutely typical for anything by a stepmum or second wife or about blended families.

You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on, you haven’t rushed into anything, from my school run experience your DH won’t be the oldest by a long stretch and there are nice things about having a baby with someone who’s done it before. You’ll all be fine. Best of luck with your pregnancy, after losses it can be horribly nerve wracking and I wish you as boring, peaceful and happy a pregnancy as possible.

Can you quote what was smug about the OP?

You come across as bitter about something.

@OneGreatFawn I'm so sorry about some nasty reactions here. I think some posters are def projecting.

I do think you have to respect her feelings. He can have a baby at 50 which she can't. She might also thinking about how this will affect the two younger ones (will they feel/be less loved, get less attention, less inheritance etc). Having said that I don't think you should dwell on her feelings. You haven't done anything wrong so just ignore

I think it’s more complex than any straight forward answer.

Yes of course their marriage is over, and you’re having a child now and everyone is entitled to do what they’re currently doing.

It’s difficult because once you’ve had children with someone, you can’t 100% “move on” in the way you would otherwise because you’re inexorably linked to that person for life through your joint kids. Even if you have absolutely no romantic feelings for them left whatsoever, even if you’re the one who initiated the divorce and are entirely happy about it, that person is still in your life.

Then, their decision to have more children inevitably affects you. Your children now have another sibling without you having a say in that. That’s a sibling who will be at their birthdays, wedding, their children’s birthdays etc. So it affects her life. Doesn’t mean she should necessarily be upset about it but she is affected by it.

I also don’t think she needs to meet someone else in order to be considered to have “moved on”. There any many former couples where the person who is happily single is much more “moved on” than the one in another relationship.

I think everyone in this situation needs to realise they can’t control another persons actions or reactions. She can’t control if you have a baby, two babies, get a labradoodle, whatever. So her best bet for is to make peace with that.

Similarly, you can’t control whether she is indeed happy or at peace with your actions - you choice to have a baby - or how she expressed that. You can only decide how you will deal with it, and what is best for your peace of mind.

Good luck to you all!

(But yes I really don’t envy him looking after a baby and then a toddler at 50+!)

But the alternative is equally unattractive? There are MANY step mothers to be found (mine included!) who will do anything to remove the “original” children from the “new” family. OP isn’t doing that.

This.
I'm not even sure how or why you know she's upset.
If DH has told you he needs to reflect on why. His loyalty should be to you and protecting you and your feelings.

Good luck OP and I hope you have a healthy pregnancy and welcome a beautiful baby in the coming months.

You can think she needs to do whatever but you can’t make her.

It's great you have a good relationship with the step kids, but I would try and put yourself in her shoes a bit. Imagine if your husband left you when your kid is little and goes on to have another kid with someone else? He wouldn't be the first and certainly won't be the last. I think you would be a little concerned about how it would impact your kid too, as regards time and resources. It isn't until you actually have a newborn that you can fully understand how time consuming they are. The youngest is only eleven. It's also likely that he'll be quite a different parent to a child then he would have been a decade or two ago, the kids will pick up on that they always do. I think she has valid concerns which you can't do much about.

I of course want to have a good relationship with my husband's children but their mother seems to see it as a bad thing not sure why but I have never been a mother so maybe I wil understand when I have my baby ?

To help you out here, imagine if the ex had a positive relationship with your joint child and was chatting to them, giving them advice, being pleased as punch about important occasions and being smug in the knowledge that they asked her, but she said no. It's not a bad thing, but you do come across as exceptionally smug and a bit grabby of the relationship with the children. If I was the ex, just from your posts, I'd find you annoying.

Hth

I think it's perfectly normal for her to have feelings about it...an extra child will affect her children..it will affect things like upcoming Christmas get togethers, birthdays etc..

I was with the love of my life and still had strange feelings for a while when my ex (my absolute best friend still)...started a new relationship. I was WELL over them romantically but it still felt weird, oddly painful. It eased and we then had holidays, dinners and fun. All is well.

It will affect inheritance and more. The Ex is realistic to know this will affect her and I think you know that when you describe, at length, her daughter contacting you not her. I can't imagine having to accommodate that luckily

I'm gonna say a little prayer that the Ex let's it go as an uncontrollable control in her life. I feel for her, some empathy here would be good

She doesn’t need to ‘accept’ anything just to make you feel better, OP. And anyway, it’s not as if her feelings have got in the way of him moving on to the next woman/family, is it? If they were actually stopping him moving on you might have a point. As it stands I’m not sure what it is you want out of this situation. She doesn’t have to be happy for you, and i’m really curious as to why your husband has chosen to tell you that she isn’t. Could it be that he’s got a bit of an ego over the whole thing?

Good luck OP

It's really simple. He ignores her batshit inappropriate messages about his life with you and your new baby (congratulations by the way!). And he stops telling you the content of her messages about you, because you're going to ask him to stop telling you to protect your peace. Enjoy your pregnancy!

Blasted bloody biology. He is 50 and having a new child and she is 50 and will never have another one with her partner. Of course it is a punch in the face and of course it hurts. It is not your fault - he divorced her before you met, but I imagine it is very painful for her, if she has residual feelings for him.

That is why I never understand women who wait till their boyfriends are 'ready to have children'.

Ladies, if your boyfriend or husband feeds you stories about 'one day we shall have children', remember this - he can dick around till he is 50 and then be OK and us? No, we are made differently.

One of my exs was a single dad. He had mentioned his ex was hard work but being a single mother myself, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

One time, we were out for a meal and she rang him going beserk (I overheard), that I wasn’t to meet his mother as she didn’t want us being friends. Also demanding to know how much he spent on my birthday gift.

A few days later, he sheepishly told me that his ex had rang him back and suggested he has a vasectomy as she didn’t want me having a child with him and she would run away back to her home country with their dd if I did.

I didn’t have any intention of having more children but as soon as I heard that (he seemed to agree with her despite previously showing a desire for more kids), I ran for the hills.

I always thought crazy exs were excuses of a shit man but she literally was nuts. More happened but I won’t mention it on here.

There is nothing smug about your posts at all OP. AIBU is off the scale, as you can see.

If I were the ex wife I think I would be concerned that another child would impact how much time etc he invests in the children he already has. She doesn’t have to like you (she may not have liked you regardless of whether you are with her husband or not) and it doesn’t seem she’s particularly interfered in your relationship or the relationship between her children and you.

I don’t know either of you so I can’t say for certain but I wouldn’t assume she hasn’t moved on from the split as in romantically. It’s possibly the loss of the family unit and the idea that her children will get less of your husband. Don’t forget this is your first child, she has three, she’s well aware if how life changes after kids and how much those first few years especially take out of you. So I wouldn’t assume she’s pining away for your DH.

Yep, this. YANBU, but neither is she, really. Perhaps still mourning the life she thought she’d have, growing old with her husband, travelling, seeing in grandchildren together. That life was taking from her and it must be hard seeing her husband move on without a backward glance.

Do spare a thought for her occasionally.

that's nasty

OP congrats on your baby. Keep on as you have been, i don't think you sound smug i think you sound very understanding.

“His ex wife has never particularly liked me.”

”Her reaction wasn't great.”

”But at the same time what is he supposed to do?Not move on ? … He can't put his life on hold indefinitely because his ex wife is still upset about the divorce. Part of me thinks she just needs to move on. Maybe meet someone else and build a life for herself. I don't really know what else can be done. My husband can't undo the divorce or not have our baby to make her feel better.”

His ex owes you absolutely nothing - including a reaction to your pregnancy you find acceptable. I don’t know why you’re so invested in her accepting you, liking you or feeling a particular way about your baby but at the end of the day she’s entitled to feel however the hell she wants. Just like your husband was entitled to move on and have a baby. Doesn’t mean she had to like it. There is nothing “to be done” - she’s unhappy, she’s allowed to be, she doesn’t need to accept anything and unless she’s standing on your driveway wailing about it then you do nothing. Have your baby and enjoy parenthood - her feelings have no bearing on it.

Your husband is a fool for engaging with her reaction and telling you about it.

Unfortunately, sometimes the ex wife never moves on. Even when they have been divorced for many years before you even met and she instigated the divorce. I speak from experience, sometimes there really IS a batshit ex.

You are coming across as smug OP

She has 3 children with him so she will be thinking how this will impact them, from time, money now and inheritance. Blended families are rarely easy and she will be very concerned for her youngest 2 especially.

Try to be less smug, think how a mother might feel in this situation.