AIBU to think my husband's ex needs to accept the divorce and move on ?

It doesn’t sound as if her feelings are caused by you personally or anything you’ve done. She may just still be sad about the end of marriage.

May be better if your DH stops passing on any negative comments. Focus on feeling as stress-free as possible while pregnant.

I wish!

My children have half-siblings. Their behaviour impacted my children, and their dad's uneven treatment caused issues that I had to help them negotiate. Fortunately, less and less as the children grow into their adult selves.

Your child isn’t here yet are they?

I would say that I don’t think having a child with another woman at 50 is prioritising his children imo. His kids are 11 to uni age. I would say out children needed the most support from us through secondary school right through to young adulthood. Adding a baby would be a lot, but a baby with a woman that isn’t there mum could cause lots of issues,

Agree she’s worried for her children’s future. I know a similar situation with a family last year. Three kids with first wife, then had a child with younger wife at 50. He sadly died of a heart attack when the youngest was only 2 years old. They’ve all since been at each others throats fighting over the estate. It’s absolutely horrible

I can think of several 'professional divorcees' who I have come across.

It defines their lives

The older kids don't think it's shit.

You keep on saying he's been a great dad and wondering why the ex hasn't moved on. Has he had the children at least 50/50 since he ended his marriage? If not, then perhaps that explains why the ex has had less of an opportunity to move on (or maybe her version of moving on just looks different to what you expect). Could also explain her annoyance now, if he couldn't be bothered to raise the 3 children he fathered with her but is now having another child.

Sadly some people never get over their ex husbands, friend of mine's mum never did.
Just keep doing what you are doing OP, it sounds like you are doing everything right, esp in regard to your step children. Don't let anyone drag you down, esp this happy time. Congrats!

Its
none of her
bloody business

I don;t know why you're getting such a hard time! (projection? A lot of 1st wives?) Their relationship ended. He's now happy with you and life has moved on.

At 40 most people you'll meet will already have children so the situation isn't unique. It's funny that people think you should be understanding about the ex's feelings but apparently you're not allowed your own.

If her only issue is she's worried about the effect on her children then she just needs to have a conversation to alleviate any fears, but I suspect that's not the real reason and I do think you should view her feelings with compassion, but absolutely not let them dictate your life.

The children are happy and that's all that matters.

Congratulations!

How shit for the older kids that he's just going to pop out more babies. Has he got the time and money to support all of them?

I had my children later in life between 39 & 47 - ie younger than my father

At Canoe Club there were plenty of dads though who were entitled to call me 'Young Man'

My ex left a trail of devastation like a tornado in a trailer park that was there for all to see. When my partner was pregnant though she kicked off a bit because it removed the last bits of control she had over me as I was now living with someone who helped me fight my corner and escape her controlling behaviour.

Based on my family experience age wasnt an issue for me but my ex was blindsided by it

Given how many men stop supporting their children from their first marriage once a child arrivés in a new relationship I can understand why she would he concerned.

Also, blended families are often a nightmare for the children who have no choice but to belong to one. I decided not to live with a partner or have further children when I got divorced for that reason. She may similarly be prioritising her three children.

It doesn’t sound like she hasn’t accepted it. She is probably worried about what this means for her own children.

I know quite a few men who discard their old family to please the new wife and she may worry that with a new baby at 50, he won’t have/make as much time for her own children.

Honestly, I would hate the complication of my kids having half siblings and lots of people would. Also, if the youngest is only 11, that child was very young when they split up. That can be very difficult to deal with.

I think you’re being disingenuous to pretend you don’t really know why there may be a bit of an issue.

From her perspective she would have been expecting to not need to have much contact with her ex once her youngest child is an adult. Him having another child at 50 is probably a real surprise to her as well - she wouldn't have been expecting it.

Now there's going to be a whole new person related to her children and she may feel some obligation to help her older children establish and maintain a relationship with their half sibling.

I suspect with time it'll all be ok.

You do sound a bit smug OP. She’s allowed to feel how she does and if she can’t move on, that’s her choice. I don’t actually think her saying this means she hasn’t moved on anyway. Having children with someone does connect you for life if you’re both decent parents and she will probably be thinking how this will affect her own children. You will know that feeling soon enough.

Just get on with your own life. I would question why your husband told you what she said when you need to have as little stress as possible at the moment though.

I have been with my husband for 30 years, but if we split and my kids wanted his new wife to take them to uni and were texting her, part of me would feel hurt. Can you really not understand that? It is difficult to see how you couldn’t put yourself in their mums position and realise how she might feel. It comes across as “I can’t help it if they like me so much that even though I’ve been in their life 5 minutes, they just want me in on everything.” Think how you may feel in 18 years with your own child if they wanted your husbands new wife there if you split up. It’s not hard to have some empathy.

My “current” husband made me laugh though. When is the next one coming? 😂

It was a metaphorical punch in the gut for me when my ex got his OW pregnant, and my DCs with him were still tiny at the time. It was the one last special, exclusive him-and-me link, and it hurt to lose that.

l got over it, though. I vote that you give her grace, as long as she grows into acceptance and acts respectfully going forward.

Congratulations!

Typos

It dowsn’t sound like she’s causing you massive issues? You’ve got your own life and a baby on the way, and a good relationship with their three children.

yabu as idon’t think you can control his ex’s feelings about the situation. Only your own, so just chose to ignore it.

If his youngest is 11 and they’ve been divorced a few years and she didn’t want to, that means he walked out on her when she still had a very young child. I don’t know the details it does sound like he’s a potential scumbag.

Think how you’ll feel if he walks out on you because he can’t deal with the pressure of another young child. How will that make you feel. Do you think you would be over it after a few years or would you always hold a grudge?

YABU for just assuming that she has some unresolved feelings over your DH

it sounds more like your DH was a crap husband and father for walking out when the youngest was probably around 5 or less. I bet they argued over him not stepping up as a dad and husband when he was in her house and he used that as an excuse to say she was a nag and left her. Now he gets someone else pregnant. That’s what she means by the punch in the face.

she’s not pining after him! She’s pissed off!

The ex needs to get over herself, she's got no right trying to make your husband feel bad. If she wanted to stay married she's bound to be upset, but that's not your husband's problem to fix. They are long divorced and the harsh truth is that he can have as many kids with you as you both want.
First wives are saints on here though and God forbid a child gets a half sibling or two.

You didn't mention why their marriage ended do you know why it ended?

She has every right to feel the way she does and you have every right to feel the way you do. Both sets of feelings can exist at the same time and it doesn’t make anybody wrong or unreasonable.

The best thing you can do is just leave your husband to deal with his ex and don’t ask questions about their communication etc or get into conversation about her.

Leave them to it and enjoy your marriage and baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, @OneGreatFawn. You don't sound smug at at all. You sound concerned and a wee bit stressed and I'm not surprised. It's not easy having the ex-wife sitting in judgement of your marriage and decisions you and your husband have taken. Especially when you want to be pleasant and civil for the sake of the existing children. It's really nothing to do with her and whilst, of course, she is entitled to whatever feelings she has she isn't entitled to put pressure on your husband, an indirectly you, about something that is nothing to do with her. Unfortunately you can't really take control here although I would suggest you talk to your husband about him finding a form of words that shuts the topic down when he has to communicate with her. It's tricky because he needs to be firm without lighting her blue touch paper. I hope you have someone IRL you can have a little vent to about this. You don't deserve the horrible comments you've had here. Take care.