To cancel DD’s birthday party because I know her dad will ruin it?

He is? He has been invited to attend DD’s school friend party by himself and then take DD to celebrate with his extended family. If he can’t do that then he is a controlling arse.

DD is turning 10 next Saturday and I’ve booked a little party for her which she has been excited about for weeks. There will be about 10 girls from her class and her cousin, so 11 children altogether. It’s only a 2 hour party at the local community hall, with a cheap entertainer, pizza and cake. DD picked the theme and has been very clear she wants it small and just her friends, no adults making a fuss.

The problem is it falls on her dads weekend. We’ve been separated about 4 years and he normally has the DC alternate weekends. I had already agreed I’d do the party and he could have DD afterwards and take her out for dinner, presents etc. I genuinely thought that was a reasonable arrangement. He does see her regularly and I’m not trying to stop him being part of her birthday, I just thought the actual party could be the thing I had organised.

A few days ago he asked if his parents could come. I said the hall is quite small and it’s a drop off party, so I didn’t think extra adults would work. Then he said his GF and her 2 children would be coming too. Her children are about 7 and 4. DD apparently got upset when he told her and later said to me she didn’t want them there because “it’s my party and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them”. She just wants it to be her friends and cousin, which is what we had planned.

There have been a few similar things before. He does have a habit of making things into quite big family occasions. Last Christmas he brought extra relatives along to something I’d arranged without checking first, and at DS’s school event he turned up with several people which was a bit chaotic. I’m not saying he doesn’t love the children because he does, and DD loves seeing her grandparents too. I know they enjoy having her and I’m not trying to keep them away. It’s just that sometimes he seems to think every event has to include everyone.

He said his parents haven’t seen DD for a little while and were looking forward to her birthday, and that I was making him look bad in front of his family. I said they can see her, and that he can have her straight after the party and take her for dinner and cake and give her presents etc. He then said he is her dad and shouldn’t have to “book an appointment” to attend his own daughters birthday. I did get annoyed at that because I’m not stopping him seeing her, I’m saying he can’t just add 4 extra people to something that was planned as a small party.

The hall has a proper maximum capacity and I’ve already paid for it, the entertainer, food and the cake. It isn’t just me being fussy about having extra people there. If all the children come plus me and the adults he wants to bring it would be over the number we’re allowed. He says some of the children won’t take up seats anyway and I’m being ridiculous about it. I’ve told him he can come on his own if he wants to, but he says that’s not the point because his family should be there too.

DD has now started saying she doesn’t even want the party. She said she’d rather I cancel it and take her shopping and for lunch with me. I honestly feel sick about it because she was so excited before all this started. I know she is only 10 and obviously doesn’t understand all the adult stuff, but I hate that she is now upset about something that was meant to be for her. It feels like whatever I do I’m going to make it worse, and maybe I already have by arguing with her dad about it.

DP thinks I should just stop negotiating with him and have the party as planned, and if he doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice. My mum thinks cancelling would be unfair on DD because she shouldn’t lose her party just because her parents can’t agree. I haven’t told the other parents anything yet because I don’t want to start making a drama out of it when it might still be sorted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve saved for this and already paid for everything, so cancelling it feels ridiculous, but obviously that’s not more important than DD being happy.

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday. The other option is cancelling it all and doing something with her instead, which she is now saying she wants anyway. I know how this sounds and I might be completely unreasonable here, but am I actually the one who’s ruining her birthday now? AIBU to just say no to all the extra people and carry on with the party?

But the point still stands it was his weekend, so if not amicable there was always the risk he would do something like this last minute.

For some people you need to stick to the rules in place, however annoying they might be. As I said the DD is turning 10 so it all could have been explained easily by mum to avoid this conflict - 'your birthday falls on dad's weekend, he might want to do something with you. We can do your party with friends on my weekend or one night after school, or you can ask your dad to arrange your party if you insist it must be on your birthday.'

Or maybe the OP is just the controlling one?

Booking something on his day and dictating who can and cannot go. Allowing her extended family but not his?

They are both the DD parents. If it's amicable enough to ask to use his time it's amicable enough to parent together

Allowing the birthday girl’s grandma and not dad’s girlfriend and her kids is a WILD comparison to make when trying to say the op is unreasonable.

Why would you bother to comment on a situation you don't have the facts about? She's explained repeatedly why it was booked on the birthday weekend and that he was fine about it.

I think people have twisted what visitation is actually supposed to be
Visitation is supposed to be for the benefit of the child to spend equal time with their parents
When you call it his week and her week it makes it all about what the parent wants and not the child

DD is turning 10 next Saturday and I’ve booked a little party for her which she has been excited about for weeks. There will be about 10 girls from her class and her cousin, so 11 children altogether. It’s only a 2 hour party at the local community hall, with a cheap entertainer, pizza and cake. DD picked the theme and has been very clear she wants it small and just her friends, no adults making a fuss.

The problem is it falls on her dads weekend. We’ve been separated about 4 years and he normally has the DC alternate weekends. I had already agreed I’d do the party and he could have DD afterwards and take her out for dinner, presents etc. I genuinely thought that was a reasonable arrangement. He does see her regularly and I’m not trying to stop him being part of her birthday, I just thought the actual party could be the thing I had organised.

A few days ago he asked if his parents could come. I said the hall is quite small and it’s a drop off party, so I didn’t think extra adults would work. Then he said his GF and her 2 children would be coming too. Her children are about 7 and 4. DD apparently got upset when he told her and later said to me she didn’t want them there because “it’s my party and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them”. She just wants it to be her friends and cousin, which is what we had planned.

There have been a few similar things before. He does have a habit of making things into quite big family occasions. Last Christmas he brought extra relatives along to something I’d arranged without checking first, and at DS’s school event he turned up with several people which was a bit chaotic. I’m not saying he doesn’t love the children because he does, and DD loves seeing her grandparents too. I know they enjoy having her and I’m not trying to keep them away. It’s just that sometimes he seems to think every event has to include everyone.

He said his parents haven’t seen DD for a little while and were looking forward to her birthday, and that I was making him look bad in front of his family. I said they can see her, and that he can have her straight after the party and take her for dinner and cake and give her presents etc. He then said he is her dad and shouldn’t have to “book an appointment” to attend his own daughters birthday. I did get annoyed at that because I’m not stopping him seeing her, I’m saying he can’t just add 4 extra people to something that was planned as a small party.

The hall has a proper maximum capacity and I’ve already paid for it, the entertainer, food and the cake. It isn’t just me being fussy about having extra people there. If all the children come plus me and the adults he wants to bring it would be over the number we’re allowed. He says some of the children won’t take up seats anyway and I’m being ridiculous about it. I’ve told him he can come on his own if he wants to, but he says that’s not the point because his family should be there too.

DD has now started saying she doesn’t even want the party. She said she’d rather I cancel it and take her shopping and for lunch with me. I honestly feel sick about it because she was so excited before all this started. I know she is only 10 and obviously doesn’t understand all the adult stuff, but I hate that she is now upset about something that was meant to be for her. It feels like whatever I do I’m going to make it worse, and maybe I already have by arguing with her dad about it.

DP thinks I should just stop negotiating with him and have the party as planned, and if he doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice. My mum thinks cancelling would be unfair on DD because she shouldn’t lose her party just because her parents can’t agree. I haven’t told the other parents anything yet because I don’t want to start making a drama out of it when it might still be sorted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve saved for this and already paid for everything, so cancelling it feels ridiculous, but obviously that’s not more important than DD being happy.

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday. The other option is cancelling it all and doing something with her instead, which she is now saying she wants anyway. I know how this sounds and I might be completely unreasonable here, but am I actually the one who’s ruining her birthday now? AIBU to just say no to all the extra people and carry on with the party?

pay for security, cheaper than cancelling it all.

This is exactly what I was about to comment. No invite, no entry. If Dad wants to make a big deal out of it and upset his daughter, this is what he should turn up to!

Because we have always swapped weekends around for birthdays and things, it didn’t really occur to me that it would be a problem. Her birthday is next Saturday and that was the only date the hall had that worked for us, plus it was the date DD wanted because of the school friends she invited. I did tell him before I booked it and he said that was fine, which is why I’m a bit taken aback by it all now. I wasn’t just booking it behind his back and then telling him he couldn’t see her.

I have tried telling him that DD is now saying she doesn’t want the party at all and it hasn’t really made a difference. He says she is upset because I’ve made it into an argument and that she’ll be fine once the day comes. Which I suppose is possible, but I don’t really want to take that chance.

I could maybe rearrange it but DD really wants it on her actual birthday and that was the date she chose. I also can’t afford to just book another hall and entertainer and lose what I’ve already paid, so I’m reluctant to do that unless I absolutely have to.

I hadn’t thought about getting someone else to help instead of my mum. She is only there because I need another adult for the practical stuff, not because I’ve invited her as a guest. But I can see why he might use that as an argument if she’s there and his parents aren’t. I might ask my mum if she’d be willing to stay away and get a friend to help instead, although I’m not sure that will actually make him happy tbh.