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Original poster

To cancel DD’s birthday party because I know her dad will ruin it?

264 replies

SynthWaveX · 25/09/2026 15:35

DD is turning 10 next Saturday and I’ve booked a little party for her which she has been excited about for weeks. There will be about 10 girls from her class and her cousin, so 11 children altogether. It’s only a 2 hour party at the local community hall, with a cheap entertainer, pizza and cake. DD picked the theme and has been very clear she wants it small and just her friends, no adults making a fuss.

The problem is it falls on her dads weekend. We’ve been separated about 4 years and he normally has the DC alternate weekends. I had already agreed I’d do the party and he could have DD afterwards and take her out for dinner, presents etc. I genuinely thought that was a reasonable arrangement. He does see her regularly and I’m not trying to stop him being part of her birthday, I just thought the actual party could be the thing I had organised.

A few days ago he asked if his parents could come. I said the hall is quite small and it’s a drop off party, so I didn’t think extra adults would work. Then he said his GF and her 2 children would be coming too. Her children are about 7 and 4. DD apparently got upset when he told her and later said to me she didn’t want them there because “it’s my party and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them”. She just wants it to be her friends and cousin, which is what we had planned.

There have been a few similar things before. He does have a habit of making things into quite big family occasions. Last Christmas he brought extra relatives along to something I’d arranged without checking first, and at DS’s school event he turned up with several people which was a bit chaotic. I’m not saying he doesn’t love the children because he does, and DD loves seeing her grandparents too. I know they enjoy having her and I’m not trying to keep them away. It’s just that sometimes he seems to think every event has to include everyone.

He said his parents haven’t seen DD for a little while and were looking forward to her birthday, and that I was making him look bad in front of his family. I said they can see her, and that he can have her straight after the party and take her for dinner and cake and give her presents etc. He then said he is her dad and shouldn’t have to “book an appointment” to attend his own daughters birthday. I did get annoyed at that because I’m not stopping him seeing her, I’m saying he can’t just add 4 extra people to something that was planned as a small party.

The hall has a proper maximum capacity and I’ve already paid for it, the entertainer, food and the cake. It isn’t just me being fussy about having extra people there. If all the children come plus me and the adults he wants to bring it would be over the number we’re allowed. He says some of the children won’t take up seats anyway and I’m being ridiculous about it. I’ve told him he can come on his own if he wants to, but he says that’s not the point because his family should be there too.

DD has now started saying she doesn’t even want the party. She said she’d rather I cancel it and take her shopping and for lunch with me. I honestly feel sick about it because she was so excited before all this started. I know she is only 10 and obviously doesn’t understand all the adult stuff, but I hate that she is now upset about something that was meant to be for her. It feels like whatever I do I’m going to make it worse, and maybe I already have by arguing with her dad about it.

DP thinks I should just stop negotiating with him and have the party as planned, and if he doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice. My mum thinks cancelling would be unfair on DD because she shouldn’t lose her party just because her parents can’t agree. I haven’t told the other parents anything yet because I don’t want to start making a drama out of it when it might still be sorted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve saved for this and already paid for everything, so cancelling it feels ridiculous, but obviously that’s not more important than DD being happy.

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday. The other option is cancelling it all and doing something with her instead, which she is now saying she wants anyway. I know how this sounds and I might be completely unreasonable here, but am I actually the one who’s ruining her birthday now? AIBU to just say no to all the extra people and carry on with the party?

OP posts:
ThreeMogsAndCounting · Yesterday 07:03

And if they turn up '
hi [ex's parents], hi [new gf], ex only told me a couple of days ago that you were planning on coming. You're very welcome to stick around, but i booked and paid for this weeks ago and it was planned just for DD and her friends, so I've only provided food and party bags for them. More than happy to have a few extra pairs of hands to help keep everything running and clean up at the end though. Thank you!'

Moonnstarz · Yesterday 07:03

It sounds like he can be difficult which is why I would have avoided his weekend.
I get that you think he should be amicable and that he agreed it would be ok, but from how he sounds I would guess this isn't the first time he has been difficult and the fact he now has a girlfriend and wants to pretend to play happy families means that this was always going to be a potential issue.

I think you should have managed it better. When DD said about the party and wanting it on her birthday you needed to make it clear it was her dad's weekend and she needed to ask him to do it or if she insisted it was you, then you would have needed to select another date. She is 10 not 3 so all of this would be perfectly understandable and if booked in advance I don't see why you would have had issues around booking/dates or you would have done what everyone else does and made alternative plans should that not be available.
This would have meant you would not have had to tell him any of your plans and left him to do his own thing with her.

I get that it's sad but I think you will look bad whatever you do. If you say he can't come then you are being unfair on his time, if you say DD doesn't want the party now it will look like you have manipulated her to say that (which to some extent I think you may have put your annoyance onto her).

Wannabemornighmum · Yesterday 06:57

TallSturdyGirls

There’s a lot of things in the world kids don’t want, in most cases they go along with them and actually it doesn’t impact them at all and everyone has fun!

HannahSqan · Yesterday 06:56

SynthWaveX · 25/09/2026 15:35

DD is turning 10 next Saturday and I’ve booked a little party for her which she has been excited about for weeks. There will be about 10 girls from her class and her cousin, so 11 children altogether. It’s only a 2 hour party at the local community hall, with a cheap entertainer, pizza and cake. DD picked the theme and has been very clear she wants it small and just her friends, no adults making a fuss.

The problem is it falls on her dads weekend. We’ve been separated about 4 years and he normally has the DC alternate weekends. I had already agreed I’d do the party and he could have DD afterwards and take her out for dinner, presents etc. I genuinely thought that was a reasonable arrangement. He does see her regularly and I’m not trying to stop him being part of her birthday, I just thought the actual party could be the thing I had organised.

A few days ago he asked if his parents could come. I said the hall is quite small and it’s a drop off party, so I didn’t think extra adults would work. Then he said his GF and her 2 children would be coming too. Her children are about 7 and 4. DD apparently got upset when he told her and later said to me she didn’t want them there because “it’s my party and I don’t know what I’m meant to do with them”. She just wants it to be her friends and cousin, which is what we had planned.

There have been a few similar things before. He does have a habit of making things into quite big family occasions. Last Christmas he brought extra relatives along to something I’d arranged without checking first, and at DS’s school event he turned up with several people which was a bit chaotic. I’m not saying he doesn’t love the children because he does, and DD loves seeing her grandparents too. I know they enjoy having her and I’m not trying to keep them away. It’s just that sometimes he seems to think every event has to include everyone.

He said his parents haven’t seen DD for a little while and were looking forward to her birthday, and that I was making him look bad in front of his family. I said they can see her, and that he can have her straight after the party and take her for dinner and cake and give her presents etc. He then said he is her dad and shouldn’t have to “book an appointment” to attend his own daughters birthday. I did get annoyed at that because I’m not stopping him seeing her, I’m saying he can’t just add 4 extra people to something that was planned as a small party.

The hall has a proper maximum capacity and I’ve already paid for it, the entertainer, food and the cake. It isn’t just me being fussy about having extra people there. If all the children come plus me and the adults he wants to bring it would be over the number we’re allowed. He says some of the children won’t take up seats anyway and I’m being ridiculous about it. I’ve told him he can come on his own if he wants to, but he says that’s not the point because his family should be there too.

DD has now started saying she doesn’t even want the party. She said she’d rather I cancel it and take her shopping and for lunch with me. I honestly feel sick about it because she was so excited before all this started. I know she is only 10 and obviously doesn’t understand all the adult stuff, but I hate that she is now upset about something that was meant to be for her. It feels like whatever I do I’m going to make it worse, and maybe I already have by arguing with her dad about it.

DP thinks I should just stop negotiating with him and have the party as planned, and if he doesn’t want to come then that’s his choice. My mum thinks cancelling would be unfair on DD because she shouldn’t lose her party just because her parents can’t agree. I haven’t told the other parents anything yet because I don’t want to start making a drama out of it when it might still be sorted. I’m also annoyed because I’ve saved for this and already paid for everything, so cancelling it feels ridiculous, but obviously that’s not more important than DD being happy.

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday. The other option is cancelling it all and doing something with her instead, which she is now saying she wants anyway. I know how this sounds and I might be completely unreasonable here, but am I actually the one who’s ruining her birthday now? AIBU to just say no to all the extra people and carry on with the party?

He is going to ruin the party so you either move it to your weekend or cancel it. And never plan events on his weekend.

Mapletree1985 · Yesterday 06:53

What he chooses to do is out of your control. Tell him firmly that he is welcome at the party, but there isn't room for any additional guests, and if they wanted to come they should have informed you before you booked the venue. If you like, you can even tell him you spoke to the venue and they were very clear that going over the numbers agreed was not allowed for insurance reasons. After that, you just have to leave him to it, If his parents and his girlfriend's kids show up anyway, ask the venue organizers what you should do.

I know you want to avoid a scene at the party, but unfortunately that's out of your control.

Mincepiesnow · Yesterday 06:17

Your mistake was to book it during his weekend. It goes both ways.

Stopsnowing · Yesterday 06:10

Sorry I think yabu and am with your dp. It is his weekend and it is her birthday and he wants to bring a few family members along. I appreciate that will change the dynamic a bit but so be it. Maybe set up a family table for the eating part. If your dd doesn’t now want this party you just have to cancel it or try to move it to your weekend.

Whoddathoughtit · Yesterday 06:03

SynthWaveX · 25/09/2026 16:55

I have tried telling him that DD is now saying she doesn’t want the party at all and it hasn’t really made a difference. He says she is upset because I’ve made it into an argument and that she’ll be fine once the day comes. Which I suppose is possible, but I don’t really want to take that chance.

I could maybe rearrange it but DD really wants it on her actual birthday and that was the date she chose. I also can’t afford to just book another hall and entertainer and lose what I’ve already paid, so I’m reluctant to do that unless I absolutely have to.

I hadn’t thought about getting someone else to help instead of my mum. She is only there because I need another adult for the practical stuff, not because I’ve invited her as a guest. But I can see why he might use that as an argument if she’s there and his parents aren’t. I might ask my mum if she’d be willing to stay away and get a friend to help instead, although I’m not sure that will actually make him happy tbh.

I would have to agree with your ex tbh in that if you hadn’t made a big fuss about this your daughter would very likely still be excited about her party.

Sorry to give you a hard time OP but I don’t think you’ve handled this very well at all.

I think your course of action now is to stop whinging and spoiling it for your daughter and inject some excitement back into it, it won’t actually be the end of the world if your ex and his family turn up will it, just tell
your daughter they are excited for her birthday and she has no obligation to entertain them so she can enjoy her time with her friends as she was planning.

If you’re genuinely that bothered about the younger kids spoiling any of the party I’d suggest having a think about what small thing you could add to keep them distracted for a while like games.

Re the numbers, nobody will really care, you’ll be over by a couple, just say to your ex that he will need to be aware if anyone from the village hall pulls you up on numbers he would have to be prepared to leave or some of them would. Also, you say your own partner ‘probably won’t be coming’ so prepare him too that if he shows up and numbers are a problem he’ll have to leave.

Sometimes I’m afraid when we’re sharing kids with ex’s we have to really suck stuff up that we don’t want to so that our kids don’t end up stuck in the middle of bickering parents, your daughter shouldn’t have been exposed to any of that, she’s 9 years old, switch the focus back to her having a positive birthday, at the end of the day I think it could be more sad for her if her dad wasn’t bothered about coming to his own kids birthday party.

OpheliaNightingale · Yesterday 05:54

He’s trying to cash in on all the work/cost you’ve put into organising this, rather than putting any effort into her birthday himself. I’m guessing he’s made little to no effort himself, so is focusing on your efforts instead. He will likely present the party to his family as a joint effort, whilst contributing zero, and actually taking from her experience.

Lurker85 · Yesterday 05:29

HappyHedgehog247 · 25/09/2026 21:41

Your poor DD. Of course he can be there, he is her dad and she would love her GPs. I get that the girlfriend and her kids might be painful for you, but you could have made all this easier for your DD.

She has said quite clearly that it’s her daughter who doesn’t want them there

TallSturdyGirls · Yesterday 05:16

Wannabemornighmum · 25/09/2026 15:47

Ps his parents are her GPs too and he’s her dad, he has every right to want to be part of a birthday, roles reversed and people would be going nuts!!

No 10 year old wants theor GPs and little kids at a party.

99bottlesofkombucha · Yesterday 05:11

Fortuity · 25/09/2026 17:25

I’m now thinking I should just tell him he isn’t invited if he is bringing everyone else, keep the party exactly as planned and let him have DD afterwards. But then I worry she’ll feel like I deliberately excluded her dad from her birthday.

Why would that bother her, given that she knows it's her dad who is trying to mess it all up?

Yes this seems low risk. I’d say to him very clearly he’s welcome, nobody is keeping him away from the party, nobody else is as dd wants just her friends and not other adults or children and that’s ok for her to want a friend party, he can do something for dinner with all of them. It’s her birthday and you need to respect her wishes and not steam roll her into what you want.
and I’d say to dd dad isn’t happy, I’ve told him he’s very welcome to come to your party but if he wants all the others there too then he can do something with grandma and grandpa and his partner and kids and you afterwards, so if he doesn’t come you’ll still have special birthday dinner with you.

problem

NullaEffugium · Yesterday 04:52

SynthWaveX · 25/09/2026 15:47

Because we have always swapped weekends around for birthdays and things, it didn’t really occur to me that it would be a problem. Her birthday is next Saturday and that was the only date the hall had that worked for us, plus it was the date DD wanted because of the school friends she invited. I did tell him before I booked it and he said that was fine, which is why I’m a bit taken aback by it all now. I wasn’t just booking it behind his back and then telling him he couldn’t see her.

Show quote history

He is being abusive by taking control over DD’s birthday and yes he has ruined it to get at you and her. Lesson learned.

  • Tell him he is not invited it is a school friend party not a family party and if he & anyone shoes up they will be asked to leave. Inform the staff your abusive ex may attempt to crash the party

or

  • reschedule the birthday for another weekend and don’t tell him when. it can be a bit late. He gets DD for her birthday weekend and he can do the party he wants with family then.

Editing to add, don’t cancel it, that’s what he wants. You have to stand up to his bullying.

Redpaisley · Yesterday 03:55

Op tell him this is what dd wanted for her birthday and that she refused to have other adults and random young children she does not know. He can’t ruin his DD’s birthday by making it about himself and his family.
Give him an extra day with dd next weekend as you organised her party on his contact day.

Redpaisley · Yesterday 03:53

Wannabemornighmum · 25/09/2026 15:47

Ps his parents are her GPs too and he’s her dad, he has every right to want to be part of a birthday, roles reversed and people would be going nuts!!

Birthday celebration is for 10 year old girl and it will include other 10 girls of same age. What’s the need for all the adults to arrive there plus unrelated two kids who are much younger and dd does not want them there.

Father is acting selfish. Op has organised what dd wanted. It’s not for op. Father should have checked with his dd what she wanted and organised her party with her friends. But since he didn’t do any organising, he should let dd enjoy her day. She can meet grandparents and whole army of relatives afterwords or next day.

grinandslothit · Yesterday 03:50

Just tell him no and be firm
You want to upset your daughter just to accommodate this whiny man
Do what you originally planned what your daughter originally wants and tell him to get stuffed

user1471481356 · Yesterday 03:20

Can you not just tell him your daughter wants to cancel it since it won’t be how she wants it, and that you’ll be taking her shopping instead. But then actually just have the party? It would be so much easier without him there

PPAPPINE · Yesterday 02:20

Wannabemornighmum · 25/09/2026 15:47

Ps his parents are her GPs too and he’s her dad, he has every right to want to be part of a birthday, roles reversed and people would be going nuts!!

This is BS lol. It’s obviously a kids party venue, just for children. No one has a kids party and invites all the family. Maybe if it was a big party in a large venue, but it’s obviously not.

Onautopilot · Yesterday 01:50

Poor OP, you are getting a lot of flack for trying to do right for your daughter. Ex AGREED ( how many times does this need to be said!) to the original plan and is now changing the narrative. Some posters agree with him , and another poster went as far as suggesting you provide separate entertainment for the GF kids!! Blood hell, she must be the GF.
As I see it the hire agreement is for 11 kids
1 entertainer and 2 adults (presently OP and her mum helping) That's 14.
Ex wants to add 6 . He could come to replace your Mum and actually be useful with a tea towel!
To cover your back, get this hairbrained gatecrash plan on text so you have evidence it wasn't your plan to shoehorn extras into the hall against the stipulated conditions of hire.
Good luck, OP, I hope your DD has a happy birthday despite all this shit.

HappyHedgehog247 · 25/09/2026 21:41

Your poor DD. Of course he can be there, he is her dad and she would love her GPs. I get that the girlfriend and her kids might be painful for you, but you could have made all this easier for your DD.

tommyhoundmum · 25/09/2026 20:53

OhJacintaWhatNow · 25/09/2026 15:42

Why did you book it on his weekend?

Because it is her birthday

Livingthebestlife · 25/09/2026 20:11

It's probably best not to involve your DD in the back and forth between you and ex. She's going to want to cancel and agree to a shopping trip to keep the peace.

The hall is obviously very small with the max number allowed so low. The only thing I would do is speak to him, tell him you need to be heard, say that your DD is now 10, more grown up, no baby parties anymore and this is what she wants. She wants just her friends and cousin there, say the hall won't allow extra people and if it did you would be happy for everyone to attend but it's not practical.

Tell him he has 2 options, let her enjoy her party with her friends that SHE wants as she is the most important person in this, he can collect her after and have his own family party with her doing anything he wants or they can all turn up but that they will probably not be able to stay as the hall will be at capacity and NO parent is staying.

VeneziaJ · 25/09/2026 20:01

Wannabemornighmum · 25/09/2026 15:47

Ps his parents are her GPs too and he’s her dad, he has every right to want to be part of a birthday, roles reversed and people would be going nuts!!

OP is not preventing him from being part of her birthday! there was a plan for him to have his daughter after the party and to take her out for cake, et cetera and a meal! however it’s a party that SHE has paid for. Why does HE get to go to it?

independentfriend · 25/09/2026 19:51

Often in halls like that there are separate smaller rooms to the main space. Sometimes they have good outside space as well. If her dad's girlfriend's kids are going to come a space like that could be used to provide age appropriate entertainment for them.

Might work to invite a parent of a party child with a younger siblings to stay too and then the younger kids can entertain themselves with supervision whilst the party happens.

But really, I think the answer this time to your ex is 'no, the party has been paid for. It's a girls' party not for smaller kids and doesn't need or have space for extra adults. $daughter is spending these two hours with her friends. It's not a family party. We can plan next year differently but we're not changing what's been arranged for this year'

Marieb19 · 25/09/2026 19:39

I would make it clear this is a girls only birthday party as requested by your daughter. There is a strict number allowed in the hall, which can't accommodate additional people. He can if course arrange another birthday celebration after, to include his parents and other relatives. If he wants to upset his daughter's plans and create a bad atmosphere at her birthday party, that is on him.