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AIBU?

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AIBU to blame DH for waking DS and disrupting bedtime routine?

46 replies

jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 14:58

Okay, am I in the wrong here? Because DH is making me feel like I am very much in the wrong, and I really don't think I am.

I'll start by saying that we have a DS with significant SEN, and getting said child into bed can be very difficult. We also have another, younger child who doesn't have SEN, and getting them into bed can also be difficult.

So, last night, DH was working late, which he does about three days a week. I was at home with both children. I did the school run, made dinner, did a load of cleaning, made my kitchen look brilliant, got the kids bathed, did some laundry, got them ready for bed and got them both into bed.

DS can be particularly difficult to get into bed because he is autistic. It takes him a long time to wind down, and sometimes he can be awake for hours. But last night, I managed to get him into bed by myself, and he was asleep by 10pm. I was delighted. Both children were settled, and by about 10:15pm I was moving towards going to sleep myself because I was absolutely exhausted.

At around 10:20–10:30pm, DH came home.

He banged the door shut behind him and shouted, "Hello!" up the stairs. I said, quietly, "Oh, hi."
He then went into the kitchen, opened the kitchen door and let the kitten out, even though I'd deliberately shut the kitten away. The kitten immediately bounded upstairs, jumped onto DS's bed and started jumping all over him.

After that, DH decided he needed to watch a video for work. He put the video on so loudly that it was basically as though he were playing it in the same room as me. It was extremely loud.

I then heard DS starting to talk, which meant he was waking up. I asked DH to turn the video down. He got grumpy with me, but he did turn it down.

He then started banging doors around. He must have gone into the kitchen seven or eight times at this point, repeatedly opening and shutting the kitchen door. I couldn't work out what was going on.

The upshot was that DS was then awake until 1am because he couldn't get back to sleep.
This morning, DS's bus was due, but DS wouldn't get out of bed because he'd only had five or six hours of sleep. DH was then really stressed because he had to go back to work in the morning.

I said to DH, "I need your help, because if I can't get DS onto the bus, how am I supposed to get our other child to school?"

He said, "That's not my problem. It's yours."
I said, "It is your problem, because if it weren't for you, DS would have had a decent night's sleep and we wouldn't be in this situation."

So, am I in the wrong here? Because I genuinely don't think I am.

OP posts:
Gobbledegoo · 25/09/2026 15:43

DH needs his own space, i.e. get his own flat. It will then be PEACEFUL and your DCs will appreciate it.

ThatCyanCat · 25/09/2026 15:39

HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2026 15:24

Going the opposite way. Kids need to deal with and sleep through household noise versus no noise. We were shift workers who kept odd hours, and no one was creeping around the house or not having tv on (normal volume etc) once kids were put to bed, and we had had SN kids as well, inclusive of ASD/ADHD.

What time do you go to bed? When you're asleep I'll come over, bang the front door, yell up the stairs, let the cat jump all over you and play my videos so loudly it'll be like I'm right there in the room with you. It's for your own good. You need to learn to sleep through household noise. Then the next day when you're a zombie, I'll tell you it's your problem. Does that sound good?

Dutch1e · 25/09/2026 15:33

Our rule is "you wake 'em, you take 'em."

runnerducky · 25/09/2026 15:32

‘That’s not my problem. It’s yours.’

What a monumental prick.

Naurrr · 25/09/2026 15:31

HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2026 15:24

Going the opposite way. Kids need to deal with and sleep through household noise versus no noise. We were shift workers who kept odd hours, and no one was creeping around the house or not having tv on (normal volume etc) once kids were put to bed, and we had had SN kids as well, inclusive of ASD/ADHD.

No one would be able to sleep with an animal jumping on them, doors repeatedly being slammed, a man shouting, a loud video like OPs prick of a spouse chose to do.
Regardless of blame, is this a happy, life enhancing marriage that you'd love your kids to have the same when they're adults?

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 25/09/2026 15:30

There's household noise, and then there's household NOISE. Yelling up the stairs, watching a video without using headphones, banging cupboards etc. He sounds very selfish and attention-seeking.

HoppingPavlova · 25/09/2026 15:24

Going the opposite way. Kids need to deal with and sleep through household noise versus no noise. We were shift workers who kept odd hours, and no one was creeping around the house or not having tv on (normal volume etc) once kids were put to bed, and we had had SN kids as well, inclusive of ASD/ADHD.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:22

jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 15:08

In some ways: yes. He could beat anybody at Trivial Pursuit hands down but he has absolutely zero awareness of how his actions affect others.

Sounds exactly like someone I’d want to marry and have children with

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2026 15:21

What a selfish, useless, horrible man. I imagine this isn’t the first time he’s behaved so poorly or been such a total arsehole about it the following day.

ThatCyanCat · 25/09/2026 15:19

I came on thinking it was one of those things that's awful at the time but not really an issue long term, but actually I do think this sounds like an issue long term. Even if the kids have no additional needs, who the fuck yells up the stairs long after their bedtime and plays videos so loud you can hear them all over the house? And then says it's your problem when the kids are tired the next day?

He might be ND himself but whether he is or not he's definitely a prick. And if he can function at work he can learn to enter the house quietly and do some basic parenting.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:18

Well clearly there is a HEAP more to this

so waiting for the drips…

jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 15:18

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 25/09/2026 15:13

Why would it only be your problem, according to him?

He wanted to fuck off to work and leave me to figure out what to do.

OP posts:
jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 15:17

scoobysnaxx · 25/09/2026 15:12

Sounds neurodiverse himself. Totally lack of bloody awareness.

additionally a bloody prick too.

i had one just like this. Worst combo to deal with.

He almost certainly is. But so am I and I manage not to wake up the whole house, so that reason doesn’t wash with me!

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 25/09/2026 15:14

jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 15:08

In some ways: yes. He could beat anybody at Trivial Pursuit hands down but he has absolutely zero awareness of how his actions affect others.

Zero awareness or zero care?

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 25/09/2026 15:13

Why would it only be your problem, according to him?

scoobysnaxx · 25/09/2026 15:12

Sounds neurodiverse himself. Totally lack of bloody awareness.

additionally a bloody prick too.

i had one just like this. Worst combo to deal with.

jonesonscam · 25/09/2026 15:08

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 25/09/2026 15:07

Can I ask this gently..... is your DH an utter moron?

In some ways: yes. He could beat anybody at Trivial Pursuit hands down but he has absolutely zero awareness of how his actions affect others.

OP posts:
beaglescurleduplikebagels · 25/09/2026 15:07

You're married to an utter wanker.

didntlikeanyofthesuggestions · 25/09/2026 15:07

Can I ask this gently..... is your DH an utter moron?

takealettermsjones · 25/09/2026 15:06

Of course you're not BU. What did DH say to that? Does he acknowledge that he woke DS up?

Bavariamaria · 25/09/2026 15:05

He sounds like an utter prick.