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AIBU?

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AIBU to worry CMS deductions could push my son into crisis?

387 replies

Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 10:56

My son split from his ex almost 2 years ago, they have 2 children together and 1 child that my son brought up as his own, their was lots of drama in the relationship and his ex was very demanding, my son paid her maintenence every month and paid for other things for her like the sky bill and some h/p goods, at the end of last year my son took a very serious attempt at taking his own life and he got sectioned, he obviously couldn't work but his ex was still demanding money from him, In March he got his old job back but he had to save for a deposit and furniture as well as pay for prescriptions food fuel to get to work, he was around £200 short each month and we helped him out with that, during this time his ex refused to let him see the children and he has not seen them since January, he had an upcoming court case to get to see them, as the eldest isn't his biologically he had to get a lawyer to help him as he wants her included.
Now the CMS are involved and they have taken £1700 out of his wages this is £700 for the month and £1000 in back pay as they calculated this from December last year, this leaves my son with around £500 after tax, he can't live on £500 as he can't even cover his rent with that, he has just got himself sorted financially but still owes money.
He doesn't know what he can do as he has phoned CMS and they said it has to be that amount and he explained the situation.
He has been to his boss to see what can be done and if he leaves this job he will break his contract with them and they won't employ him again, he can't go part time and then do work on the side to make the money up.
He just can't afford to work, it's ridiculous as he doesn't want to go on benefits as he also pointed out that it won't help his mental health.
What can he do?
I'm just so worried that he is going to try and end his life again as this seems like a no win situation.

OP posts:
Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 16:23

Netcurtainnelly · 25/09/2026 16:21

Move back in with her and get relationship counselling. When you split up your usually just trading one problem for another as has happened here.

Would you want to move someone back in to your home with your children who had very recently been sectioned?

Sartre · 25/09/2026 16:22

TrafficConeTheft · 25/09/2026 16:13

I believe that CMS should take the NRPs outgoings into consideration.

A few of my friends and family members were encouraging me to go down the CMS route when my ex and I split. I just didn’t see the point. He pays me what he can afford while still being able to live comfortably, just like I do.

Why on earth would I want my children to have a stressed, depressed father with no quality of life?!

Our split was very amicable but even if I hated him, I still wouldn’t want that for my children.

Nah because believe it or not lots of shitty dads out there would do anything possible not to pay CM so they’d find ways to abuse this. Things like renting a house they can’t really afford, getting a stupid lease hire car, getting into debt on purpose.

Netcurtainnelly · 25/09/2026 16:21

Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 11:21

He can't move in with us as we are not local to him. I don't want to be too outing .

Move back in with her and get relationship counselling. When you split up your usually just trading one problem for another as has happened here.

Sartre · 25/09/2026 16:20

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:14

she shouldn’t be weaponising the children by insisting he can’t see them because he was sick

It wasn’t a cold.

He attempted suicide and was sectioned . I would not want my children to have anything more than limited supervised access until I was sure that therapy had been sought, engaged with and mental health much improved

Yes and I didn’t say it was a cold, I was on his side with that…

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/09/2026 16:18

ThatGladTiger · 25/09/2026 16:00

The numbers are wrong. The CMS cannot take that much out and leave him with nothing.

I speak from personal experience having dealt with them for 3 years and ended up in court where the numbers were thrown out.

What you need to do is 1) ascertain exactly how much he should be paying a month. That’s easy to do on the calculator and reconcile that against what they say. 2) reconcile the arrears and agree a repayment plan.

Things must have been going on a while if they have resorted to taking it directly.

Tell him he needs to not bury his head in the and and fight the injustice. These numbers are just plain wrong and there have been many dads driven to suicide by the CMS and wrong deductions.

There are a number of forums including separated dads that he can get support from.

100% he needs to pay the right amount - but this is clearly not the right amount.

Finally, some practical non censorious suggestions

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 25/09/2026 16:17

Ally886 · 25/09/2026 11:21

Well no one if he's brown bread?

People focus so much on a mum needing the money, they don't consider what she'd do if she didn't have means of getting it. Thick as two short planks is an understatement.

OP - I would say he needs a year for him to get back on his feet to then re - start the CMS.

I really think that's the best case for the children in this circumstance. I've seen how this pans out

Quite!

TrafficConeTheft · 25/09/2026 16:13

I believe that CMS should take the NRPs outgoings into consideration.

A few of my friends and family members were encouraging me to go down the CMS route when my ex and I split. I just didn’t see the point. He pays me what he can afford while still being able to live comfortably, just like I do.

Why on earth would I want my children to have a stressed, depressed father with no quality of life?!

Our split was very amicable but even if I hated him, I still wouldn’t want that for my children.

Whatalunatic · 25/09/2026 16:01

OP - I would say he needs a year for him to get back on his feet to then re - start the CMS

if he works, he can make child maintenance payments. That's non-negotiable. If he is still very unwell and giving up work is an option, that is his decision to make.

PJ98 · 25/09/2026 16:00

he couldn't pay January, February or March as he didn't get paid until April after he worked for some of March and April, he went to pay in the April and she told him not to bother as she had gone through the cms

Good job these kids didnt need feeding, clothing, heating or housing during those months then🙄

ThatGladTiger · 25/09/2026 16:00

The numbers are wrong. The CMS cannot take that much out and leave him with nothing.

I speak from personal experience having dealt with them for 3 years and ended up in court where the numbers were thrown out.

What you need to do is 1) ascertain exactly how much he should be paying a month. That’s easy to do on the calculator and reconcile that against what they say. 2) reconcile the arrears and agree a repayment plan.

Things must have been going on a while if they have resorted to taking it directly.

Tell him he needs to not bury his head in the and and fight the injustice. These numbers are just plain wrong and there have been many dads driven to suicide by the CMS and wrong deductions.

There are a number of forums including separated dads that he can get support from.

100% he needs to pay the right amount - but this is clearly not the right amount.

withgraceinmyheart · 25/09/2026 15:50

Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 13:58

OK before I go i will put in a timelines for the people who are unable to grasp my posts.
Jan 2024 they split up for the last time
Jan 24 until December 25 my son paid £600 to her directly and about another £500 in her bills kids clothes etc
December 25 he quit his job and attempted to take his life
Dec25 - march 26 he was in hospital then discharged and he didn't have a job
Feb 26 the ex told him he wasn't allowed to see the children so he done a c100 and court is next month.
March 26 he got his old job back not the same job as the one he quit
April 26 he got his first lot of wages since December 25, he went to pay her and she told him not to bother as the cms were dealing with it
AUGUST 26 he got his first letter from the cms saying he had to pay £458 a month
TODAY he got his payslip and he thought they had taken £1700 but that's what he had been left with after deductions and an extra £300 for cms arrears.

It’s unfortunate but he really should have been putting the correct amount to one side every month while he was waiting for the cms application to go through. The backlog is his responsibility to clear.

Coconutter24 · 25/09/2026 15:50

Ally886 · 25/09/2026 11:21

Well no one if he's brown bread?

People focus so much on a mum needing the money, they don't consider what she'd do if she didn't have means of getting it. Thick as two short planks is an understatement.

OP - I would say he needs a year for him to get back on his feet to then re - start the CMS.

I really think that's the best case for the children in this circumstance. I've seen how this pans out

I would say he needs a year for him to get back on his feet to then re - start the CMS.

A year to get back on his feet would benefit him however it doesn’t work like that and you can pick and choose when to pay CMS.

oviraptor21 · 25/09/2026 15:39

Merrybandofpirates · 25/09/2026 15:28

@Wokeuptired
You also said he had spoken to CMS and the refused to reduce the payments… that conversation obviously never happened, right? If he had spoken to them then he’d have found out that they did not take £700 plus another £1000. So, you made up your whole post. What was the point in telling us he had spoken to them and they refused to help and telling us that you’d read the paperwork and the figures were correct.

What accurate advice can you get when you just tell lies?

No lies have been told so far as my reading of OP's posts can tell. The DS can easily have called CMS and still come away believing that his financial worries were insurmountable. Either because he didn't understand what was being communicated to him or, as is often the case, because the call handler didn't understand what the DS was trying to explain and gave incorrect answers. I have had dealings with CMS on behalf of clients and can assure you that even with the most clued up person on the line (me!) telling them what's happened and what needs to be done to put it right, it takes an iron will, and sometimes many calls, to get the matter resolved satisfactorily.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:32

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:29

It’s a public forum - am I not just as entitled to my opinion as anyone else ?

Go for it

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:29

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:26

One in particular

Shuffles off eventually. Exhausted no doubt from yet another day arguing on Mn

It’s a public forum - am I not just as entitled to my opinion as anyone else ?

daffodilandtulip · 25/09/2026 15:28

The numbers don’t add up anyway, but he’s already considering leaving his job or going to part time and doing to work on the side to avoid paying? Nice.

Merrybandofpirates · 25/09/2026 15:28

@Wokeuptired
You also said he had spoken to CMS and the refused to reduce the payments… that conversation obviously never happened, right? If he had spoken to them then he’d have found out that they did not take £700 plus another £1000. So, you made up your whole post. What was the point in telling us he had spoken to them and they refused to help and telling us that you’d read the paperwork and the figures were correct.

What accurate advice can you get when you just tell lies?

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:28

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:14

she shouldn’t be weaponising the children by insisting he can’t see them because he was sick

It wasn’t a cold.

He attempted suicide and was sectioned . I would not want my children to have anything more than limited supervised access until I was sure that therapy had been sought, engaged with and mental health much improved

It’s got to pathetic levels now. Sectioned under the mental health act and hospitalised is ‘insisting he can’t see them because he was sick’. OK then.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 15:26

bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 15:23

By christ there's some serious fantasising going on on this thread. People pronouncing they know exactly what the OP said and meant. Berating anyone with a different perspective. Embellishing what was already inaccurate information from the OP. So tedious and predictable. Same old posters, same old schtick.

One in particular

Shuffles off eventually. Exhausted no doubt from yet another day arguing on Mn

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:26

bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 15:23

By christ there's some serious fantasising going on on this thread. People pronouncing they know exactly what the OP said and meant. Berating anyone with a different perspective. Embellishing what was already inaccurate information from the OP. So tedious and predictable. Same old posters, same old schtick.

Nope. The problem is that lots of posters are shooting their mouths off without reading the updates and then trying to back track by accusing the OP of being dishonest. Those who’ve read the thread properly and understood the issues don’t need to pronounce anything - it’s all there.

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:24

oviraptor21 · 25/09/2026 15:13

Just another poster desperate to put the boot in and cause extra stress to a mother trying to do her best for her suicidal son. So glad you are nowhere near my children with your empathy bypass.

Agree. To be honest I did think about asking MN to look at this post, but in view of what’s come to light since this baseless vitriol was posted I think it’s better to let it stand so that the poster can be seen for what they are. The empathy bypass is actually a recurring theme throughout the thread - mainly because a lot of posters haven’t understood what they’re reading or can’t be arsed to read the updates before they post.

bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 15:23

By christ there's some serious fantasising going on on this thread. People pronouncing they know exactly what the OP said and meant. Berating anyone with a different perspective. Embellishing what was already inaccurate information from the OP. So tedious and predictable. Same old posters, same old schtick.

oviraptor21 · 25/09/2026 15:21

Mumtotornadoes · 25/09/2026 13:55

You don't accrue arrears while you're not earning. He only.has arrears because he was earning and refusing to pay. CMS doesn't automatically take from your wages, that happens when you refuse to pay for a long time.

Just another bloke screaming "they're taking all my money" when actually it's a fraction of their money and it wouldn't be nearly as much if they'd actually paid for their own children in the first place.

And the reasons you can't go into that he's no longer able to have contact with her 🤨

He didn't refuse to pay. His ex told him that she was going through CMS and they caused the delay while working out the calculations. Silly ex should have just kept it informal. She will be getting less money now than she was before because OP's son was paying over and above the required amount, and CMS take a cut from both parties when they get involved.

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

oviraptor21 · 25/09/2026 15:18

MsPrufrockk · 25/09/2026 14:22

So you hadn't seen the paperwork when you were insisting you had, despite so many people saying those figures couldn't possibly be correct.

It's good you've had advice here, and that you're going to visit him to give him practical (and emotional) support. If you end up with more questions, you need to be completely honest next time, or you might not get the correct advice.

OP was completely honest.