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AIBU?

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AIBU to worry CMS deductions could push my son into crisis?

387 replies

Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 10:56

My son split from his ex almost 2 years ago, they have 2 children together and 1 child that my son brought up as his own, their was lots of drama in the relationship and his ex was very demanding, my son paid her maintenence every month and paid for other things for her like the sky bill and some h/p goods, at the end of last year my son took a very serious attempt at taking his own life and he got sectioned, he obviously couldn't work but his ex was still demanding money from him, In March he got his old job back but he had to save for a deposit and furniture as well as pay for prescriptions food fuel to get to work, he was around £200 short each month and we helped him out with that, during this time his ex refused to let him see the children and he has not seen them since January, he had an upcoming court case to get to see them, as the eldest isn't his biologically he had to get a lawyer to help him as he wants her included.
Now the CMS are involved and they have taken £1700 out of his wages this is £700 for the month and £1000 in back pay as they calculated this from December last year, this leaves my son with around £500 after tax, he can't live on £500 as he can't even cover his rent with that, he has just got himself sorted financially but still owes money.
He doesn't know what he can do as he has phoned CMS and they said it has to be that amount and he explained the situation.
He has been to his boss to see what can be done and if he leaves this job he will break his contract with them and they won't employ him again, he can't go part time and then do work on the side to make the money up.
He just can't afford to work, it's ridiculous as he doesn't want to go on benefits as he also pointed out that it won't help his mental health.
What can he do?
I'm just so worried that he is going to try and end his life again as this seems like a no win situation.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · Yesterday 00:11

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/09/2026 23:08

She gets £60 deducted from what ?!!!

as I understood that if she happens to claim Universal Credit that CMS is not counted in her figures/calculations.

Your charged a fee if they have to get involved its not that much unless your paying a hell of a lot sorry but this entire thread isn't adding up mathematically or otherwise

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/09/2026 23:08

She gets £60 deducted from what ?!!!

as I understood that if she happens to claim Universal Credit that CMS is not counted in her figures/calculations.

Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 21:44

She gets deducted £60, sorry too much wine

OP posts:
Wokeuptired · 25/09/2026 21:43

I'm here in the UK now able with our son, he has got to speak to someone within cms
They have said that they will contact his ex and try to get him to pay directly to her as when payments go through the cms he pays £90 and she gets £90 deducted so the children will be better off by £150 a month, but she has to agree to that.
I have had a few vinos but my son seems calmer and he said he will give her what she says she needs. And we will help him as much as we can, i even messaged her a few months back when we could and said we would always make sure they were OK.

But their are other issues we can not yet talk about as it will harm our sons case.
He will do anything for his children and i think as he was minutes away from ending his life he now realises how precious his life and that of his children are.
Thank you for the posters that have understood his position as he has now read every reply and he has taken it on board

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 19:17

ilovebrie8 · 25/09/2026 19:15

That doesn’t sound right OP. Hope he’s okay, I feel sorry for him and the stress he must be under.

He shouldn’t be left with so little to live on.

OP updated to say he'd completely misunderstood the calculations and that isn't the situation.

ilovebrie8 · 25/09/2026 19:15

That doesn’t sound right OP. Hope he’s okay, I feel sorry for him and the stress he must be under.

He shouldn’t be left with so little to live on.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 18:35

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 18:28

Me too 😂 will have to keep quiet and not share my opinion anymore

We aren’t alone. Hopefully will eventually rein it in a bit.

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 18:28

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 18:23

got my post deleted again! Honestly it’s pathetic

Me too 😂 will have to keep quiet and not share my opinion anymore

Taytosambo · 25/09/2026 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

My goodness, the sheer audacity of you to say that. You actually stated lies in some of your posts. I don't think it's other posters ruining this thread.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 18:23

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 18:09

Unfortunately I don’t think mumsnet will do anything about it

got my post deleted again! Honestly it’s pathetic

Blondeshavemorefun · 25/09/2026 18:09

Agree the numbers don’t add up

if he didn’t have a job then payment would have been £7 a week while on benefits

I can’t see how he has managed to owe so much money in 2yrs

I would call cms

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unfortunately I don’t think mumsnet will do anything about it

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 18:06

bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 18:02

That's largely on you tbh and I've seen it several times before. You just take over and you just won't stop until you've had the last word. So go on...

And because seemingly regards Mumsnet as a full time 7 day a week job…. Generally
does get the last word in because everyone else leaves the thread.

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plsfindattached · 25/09/2026 18:05

This reply has been deleted

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bigboykitty · 25/09/2026 18:02

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 18:01

Cross posted and have just clicked on ‘hide thread’ to stop updates. No point shouting into the void. Have a nice day and enjoy the rest of the thread - I’m confident it’ll go the full forty pages despite the fact OP has left. Can’t say I blame her.

That's largely on you tbh and I've seen it several times before. You just take over and you just won't stop until you've had the last word. So go on...

Taytosambo · 25/09/2026 18:01

RowsOfFlowers · 25/09/2026 17:58

Am I the only person who feels sorry for OP’s son? Hes in mental health crisis and clearly cannot afford these unreasonable CMS payments.

There's lot's of people on the thread who are in support of OP's son. It's just a few very vocal posters make it seem not.

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 18:01

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 17:53

Wait, I thought you were leaving? That was quick

Cross posted and have just clicked on ‘hide thread’ to stop updates. No point shouting into the void. Have a nice day and enjoy the rest of the thread - I’m confident it’ll go the full forty pages despite the fact OP has left. Can’t say I blame her.

DryadsRest · 25/09/2026 18:00

the terrible miscalculations by CMS and the damage it causes has been covered by the BBC and a panorama program - OP is most likely being truthful

RowsOfFlowers · 25/09/2026 17:58

Am I the only person who feels sorry for OP’s son? Hes in mental health crisis and clearly cannot afford these unreasonable CMS payments.

whattodo10000 · 25/09/2026 17:57

I would advise him to speak to the payroll department of his workplace whenever I have had to deduct CMS payments the employee has always been allowed to keep a portion of there wages usually called protected earnings and back pay is usually collected over a number of weeks

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 17:53

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 17:50

No it isn’t. He was in hospital for three months - no income, no obligation to pay. The CMS took six months to work out what he needed to pay - they are the only reasons he is in arrears. Six months arrears. Paid off at £300 a month. The ignorance is staggering.

Wait, I thought you were leaving? That was quick

Sunshine1500 · 25/09/2026 17:53

When he knew he wasn’t paying and the cms were working out his contribution he could have put it in a savings account ready for when it’s was needed.

Taytosambo · 25/09/2026 17:52

aliceyyyy2654 · 25/09/2026 17:44

In order to get arrears he will have not paid when he should have. Arrears do not build when unemployed or not earning. Therefore, he has dodged his responsibilities. That’s a fact.

For goodness sake, have you not read ANY of OP's updates at all? She has addressed this ffs.

he couldn't pay January, February or March as he didn't get paid until April after he worked for some of March and April, he went to pay in the April and she told him not to bother as she had gone through the cms

So yes he didn't get the letter until August stating what he was to pay. In an ideal world he would have put the money aside but instead:
During the time between February and August he had to buy a car to get to work pay a deposit on his rented home so he can show the court that he is able to have the children

Sunshine1500 · 25/09/2026 17:51

ThreadGuardDog · 25/09/2026 17:45

What’s irrelevant ? The facts ? He’s not trying to sidestep his responsibility. If you read the updates he misread his payslip and panicked. If anything his ex has made her kids poorer - he was paying £600 before she went to CMS, now it’s £450. And if you think the CMS have no powers to make life difficult, think again. They can empty your bank account in one hit to pay back arrears as long as they leave £55 in the account. And they don’t need a court order to do it. They’ve already put this man six months in arrears simply because of the time they took to work out what he needed to pay.

that good they are using their power to claim what children are owed.
in the circumstances that this family seem to be in, it’s probably best that the cms are involved and its not an informal arrangement. This is the safest and fairest way for all of them.