AIBU to stop helping neighbours after they involved their son?

Yorkshirelasss · 2026-09-24T22:35:25+00:00

I’ve been helping out my neighbors for around 3 years now. They go on holiday about 5-7 times each year. I have always helped them out for free because I’m genuinely not bothered about a payment. It started off really easy. At first I just fed the cat, changed its water and scooped the litter tray. Then they added treats to this, fine easy. Then they added putting the bins out. Then they added watering the plants on the front and back porch. Then they got 3 huge flower beds installed so I also had to water those. Then the cat needed medication. This was a step too far and I said that I wasn’t going to do that again, but that I was still willing to help everything else. Anyway, moving on to last year. Through my job I found out that their adult son is a level 3 sex offender. At first I was absolutely horrified and wasn’t sure what to do. As he doesn’t live there, and very rarely ever visits, and any know convictions were from 20 years ago, I decided that I wasn’t going to hold it against them so I didn’t say anything. Moving forward to Tuesday night and the neighbors ask me to cat sit on Thursday. They only ever give me a few days notice when they are going away as they know I’ll look after the cat. Anyway, they said that another neighbor was going to come and do the medication and could I do everything else. I’m guessing that they still wanted me to do the rest so that they didn’t have to pay the other lady. I was fine with that and agreed. However, an hour later they then text again and said that she could no longer do it and that their son (name) was going to do the medication instead. I said I absolutely was not going to visit the cat if he was going to be there. So here’s my issue. They were willing to have me, a lone woman, shut inside a house with a bloody level 3 sex offender. All the while with them thinking that I’m blissfully unaware that he’s some disgusting human being. Surely even if you’ve personally forgiven your child for their crimes, you still have a duty of care not to put a lone woman in a vulnerable position?! I’m wanting to post the key back and never help them again. I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday night and my behavior was extremely erratic yesterday, because I just kept wondering how the hell someone could do that me, even more so when I’ve done so much for them. So why does part of me feel guilty for not helping them ever again? Really I know that I’m not being unreasonable, but I still have this stupid guilty thing that is niggling at me.

NigellaAwesome · 25/09/2026 21:52

I would definitely not mention the son when you are stepping back. Imagine if they told him and he decided to come round and speak to you to persuade you he isn’t a threat?
They have been taking you for granted regardless for a very long time and you are not at all unreasonable to stop doing it.

I pay my neighbour’s teenage son £10 a day to pop in and feed the cat. I wouldn’t dream of expecting anyone to do it unpaid, let alone all the watering etc

maxslice · 25/09/2026 21:28

Could you just go see the cat after he’s gone?

NorwayTruce · 25/09/2026 21:27

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 21:09

This sounds like such an awful situation for you. Isn’t it a terrible feeling when people knowingly put you in that kind of position?! For some reason certain people just don’t seem phased by these convictions and think they the offender has made some kind of miraculous turn around. It makes me feel really disappointed in society at times like this. I shouldn’t tar everyone with the same brush though, and I know I’ll move on from it, but the hurt is still there. I’m just going to concentrate on my own family going forward. I’m determined to see something good come out of this!

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It was disappointing. I think they had just become to enmeshed with the neighbour and didn’t see it the way I as an outsider could. I think in your situation it’s better to just tell them you’ve got an enormous amount going on in your life and have just become overwhelmed with the additional responsibility and it’s too much for you at the moment. They don’t need to know what you have discovered. They will probably be in denial anyway.

Netcurtainnelly · 25/09/2026 21:20

You owe them nothing. Return the key with a note your unable to help anymore I wouldn't mention the son at all. It's not your problem who looks after their house/,their cat etc. Move on.
Some people ask to.much and some people get too involved in others lives.

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 21:09

NorwayTruce · 25/09/2026 09:14

This is very similar to a situation I once found myself in. My friends moved to an isolated community and very quickly became friends with the neighbour. I was asked to house sit while the neighbour was on holiday. All good. I had a lovely time. Shortly afterwards my friends asked me if I could house sit for a year because the neighbour had to ‘go away’ for a while. They told me that he would tell me all about it. He told me he had got in a fight and because he had previous for GBH he would be going to prison. I had a feeling that I wasn’t getting the full story. It transpired his step grandchildren had made complaints to the police about inappropriate touching and he was bailed with conditions that he couldn’t stay at his house. I then did some digging myself and found out 20 odd years before he went to prison for sexually assaulting a young girl. By this time he had already started pursuing a relationship with my friends daughter who had a young daughter herself - text book embedding himself into a family to gain access to a child. I was horrified and told my friend that he lied to me and asked what on earth they were thinking of asking me to stay there again when they knew the truth, and why they didn’t tell me themselves. My friend said he knew I’d get ‘excited’ if I knew. Excited ffs? Try livid! They seemed completely unaware that his interest in a relationship with their daughter (who was young enough to be his own daughter) may not have been all it seemed. I think he used my friend to try and get off because he knew they had worked in the judicial system and had contacts. My friend actually said he was inclined to think the man was guilty but his wife felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. He did go back to prison and my friendship faded away. No idea what became of the neighbour but I know the former friends moved much further away afterwards.

This sounds like such an awful situation for you. Isn’t it a terrible feeling when people knowingly put you in that kind of position?! For some reason certain people just don’t seem phased by these convictions and think they the offender has made some kind of miraculous turn around. It makes me feel really disappointed in society at times like this. I shouldn’t tar everyone with the same brush though, and I know I’ll move on from it, but the hurt is still there. I’m just going to concentrate on my own family going forward. I’m determined to see something good come out of this!

OP posts:

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 21:00

Shinyandnew1 · 25/09/2026 16:42

Glad you aren’t going to continue with this-they really are taking the piss. Are you going to decline in person (apologies if I’ve missed what you’ve decided).

I am going to just write a little note and pop it in an envelope with the key. I don’t want to answer any questions, or even worse have them persuade me to carry on! I’m not going to mention a reason and just say I’m no longer able to offer pet/ house sitting help anymore. I still have to live next door to them so I just want things to be neutral. I’ll barely see them over the coming months so it will be ok.

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Oxo01 · 25/09/2026 20:39

Cloudyday91 · 25/09/2026 00:15

I would be cautious about the backlash from them and the son and I’d therefore not mention the reason as to why you can no longer do it for your safety as well as your wellbeing.

You have to see these people everytime you open your front door. What they did was absolutely unacceptable of course and they’ve taken advantage of your kind nature of the years.

It’s time to cut them loose. I’d say due to personal health reasons I’m finding the task difficult but I’d rather not discuss. Therefore going forward I won’t be able to attend to your property.

This and what if they told him hes / his background is the reason you wont do it anymore
That could make him angry and you could fall foul of that in some way ( dont want to scare you but you never know)
Just say cant do anymore no reasons just cant.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/09/2026 16:42

Glad you aren’t going to continue with this-they really are taking the piss. Are you going to decline in person (apologies if I’ve missed what you’ve decided).

FancyLilacHare · 25/09/2026 15:35

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 13:48

Unclench a bit dear

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Yeah, that's rude too.

Just so you know.

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 15:33

Spaniels4Eva · 25/09/2026 09:22

I got collared helping out an elderly neighbour after she had cataract surgery. For 4 weeks I had to walk her dog twice a day and do her eye drops 4 x a day.... it was insane looking back as I had 3 young DC and a dog of my own. What got me was that if I was 10 minutes late, she was on the phone all upset that I'd forgotten or saying that the dog was desperate to go out (it had a garden). It was entirely on her timetable and she was so inflexible. When she rang me a few months later to say she was having the other eye done, I had to say to her that I could walk the dog on weekdays but it would be when I walked mine and she'd have to get someone else to do her eye drops as I couldn't commit to a month of that. What really irked was that she had 5 sons, 5 daughter in laws, adult grandchildren and not one of them lifted a finger to help her.

She's now got dementia along with some serious health issues and her family are only ever there for the odd hour on a Sunday

I’m sorry that you were sucked in. It was exactly the same for me in regards to the inflexibility. I had to go over to the house at 7am and then go back at 7pm to do the evening medication. It was only allowed to be 12 hour shifts and not later than 8:30. It makes me sound like such a mug but when stuff builds up over time it’s easy to just keep agreeing. There’s no way someone would take all that on in one go without expecting some form of payment. Yesterday my husband clocked him there about 4:30pm so he’s obviously not following the rules anyway. It sounds like you are a lovely person and it’s awful when people see that and take advantage.

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Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 13:48

pinkdelight · 25/09/2026 13:47

Course it's rude, kicking off with 'None of this makes sense' and the 'How exactly' implying she's making it up and being OTT when it wouldn't take a sec to work out - as others did - that 'how exactly' they'd be in the house at the same time was if he arrived when she was there. It's horrible to make a woman who has a legitimate fear of a convicted sex offender feel like she's being silly. That's not over-sensitive of the OP, more a lack of sensitivity on the part of the poster.

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Unclench a bit dear

pinkdelight · 25/09/2026 13:47

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:52

How is it rude or horrible? Both perfectly valid questions/points. Over sensitive much?

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Course it's rude, kicking off with 'None of this makes sense' and the 'How exactly' implying she's making it up and being OTT when it wouldn't take a sec to work out - as others did - that 'how exactly' they'd be in the house at the same time was if he arrived when she was there. It's horrible to make a woman who has a legitimate fear of a convicted sex offender feel like she's being silly. That's not over-sensitive of the OP, more a lack of sensitivity on the part of the poster.

Puffinsandcoffee · 25/09/2026 13:41

Totally get why you don't want to go over anymore OP. But I definitely wouldn't tell them why. It seems likely they dont believe he did anything that bad, and you prob dont want to have that conversation. But also more important if he's homeless and has a serious criminal record he has very little to lose. It's unlikely he'd do anything to you, but I suppose it's possible. So I'd just say to his parents, so sorry but I can't look after cat and garden any more because... And make up some plausible excuse. Keep a civil relationship with them, and don't be uncivil to him either, if you cross paths. That would be my advice anyway!

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 13:08

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:52

How is it rude or horrible? Both perfectly valid questions/points. Over sensitive much?

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Yes, I am over sensitive at the moment. I have also only just woken up. Your compassion during this stressful time is appreciated!

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Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:54

Steeleydan · 25/09/2026 12:44

Er ,OP could be in house feeding cat and he turn up to give cat the tablets, I certainly wouldn't want to be in the house let alone a room with a sex offender!
You're welcome to be if you see it as not a problem.
Your reply was quite patronising

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Where did I say it wasn't a problem. I was asking for clarification on 2 bits of information that didn't make any sense. Stop reading things that aren't there

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:52

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 12:40

If I’m already in the house and he arrives then yes, I will be in there with him. He was just going to be turning up twice a day at random times. I have no idea why they didn’t ask him to do the other tasks, probably because I do a good job and keep everything neat and tidy. There really is no need to be rude and horrible.

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How is it rude or horrible? Both perfectly valid questions/points. Over sensitive much?

MannyTeddy · 25/09/2026 12:51

I would also tell the other neighbour who was asked to do the medicine for the cat, so she can make an informed choice and not be put in the same situation.

Steeleydan · 25/09/2026 12:44

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:39

None if this makes sense. How exactly will you be "shut inside a house with a bloody level 3 sex offender" if he doesn't live there and he is only going to visit to give the cat some medication?
Also, if he is visiting to give the cat medication, why can he not also feed it and water the plants at the same time. Why do they need your services?

Er ,OP could be in house feeding cat and he turn up to give cat the tablets, I certainly wouldn't want to be in the house let alone a room with a sex offender!
You're welcome to be if you see it as not a problem.
Your reply was quite patronising

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 12:40

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:39

None if this makes sense. How exactly will you be "shut inside a house with a bloody level 3 sex offender" if he doesn't live there and he is only going to visit to give the cat some medication?
Also, if he is visiting to give the cat medication, why can he not also feed it and water the plants at the same time. Why do they need your services?

If I’m already in the house and he arrives then yes, I will be in there with him. He was just going to be turning up twice a day at random times. I have no idea why they didn’t ask him to do the other tasks, probably because I do a good job and keep everything neat and tidy. There really is no need to be rude and horrible.

OP posts:

Yourguessisasgoodasmine · 25/09/2026 12:39

None if this makes sense. How exactly will you be "shut inside a house with a bloody level 3 sex offender" if he doesn't live there and he is only going to visit to give the cat some medication?
Also, if he is visiting to give the cat medication, why can he not also feed it and water the plants at the same time. Why do they need your services?

Original poster

Yorkshirelasss · 25/09/2026 12:38

I’ve woken up to some very helpful replies this morning. I really appreciate people reading my replies. I understand that people might think I had to look somewhere I shouldn’t but that’s honestly not the case. The conviction sticks with you for 25 years. The only reason it even came to light was because he’d declared himself homeless. The city takes it upon themselves to protect its residents by informing them of the news. It was splashed all over social media, newspapers, tv, and news outlets. I don’t actually use social media, watch the news, or read the paper so I hadn’t seen it there. It was only when I glanced at the notice board that the name stuck out because it’s quite an unusual last time. I’m really not stupid, but this post may not paint me in the best light. I really just wanted to be kind and helpful. I moaned to my family everytime they added a chore but then just kept thinking that it’s really not a big deal. I’m definitely going to hand the key back tomorrow and just move on from that. To everyone else that has been sucked in by people like that, I’m sorry, and I totally understand how it happened. It’s not even that easy to break away either. The woman that said about the next person not spending ages watering the plants. I know that the next person won’t do that either and they have taken the piss because I did all their tasks with great care. I have such a busy life with kids, pets, work and such. I’m not really sure how I’ve managed 45 minutes to an hour attending to their needs during the hot weather. It will be good to have the time back. Maybe their son isn’t a risk to the public anymore but I’m certainly not spending time alone with him to find out the answer to that. Thank you to everyone. I really needed to get that out of my system. You guys are the best!

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GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/09/2026 12:05

As regards how people find out, there was plenty in the local paper about the son of someone I used to know, banged up for quite a few years for pretty horrendous paedophile offences. It only takes one person to see it and spread the word.

ClairDeLaLune · 25/09/2026 12:04

I honestly don’t think I could stop myself from telling them how upset I was that they would put me in the position of potentially being alone in their house with their son. That’s absolutely disgusting of them to do that to you. After everything you’ve done for the, over the years too.

I would say that to them, and say that because of that you don’t want to be on their property again and will no longer help them. Not in a note though, because as PP has said, the son might find it first.

I wouldn’t care if they fell out with me over it, I wouldn’t want any further contact with someone who would put me in danger like that.

Beingseenisneedy · 25/09/2026 12:04

People asking if he is still a category 3, would you be happy to take a chance just because he hasn't possibly been caught/charged recently enough, would you let a young woman alone in his company because it's been 20 years since his last conviction?

Tryagain26 · 25/09/2026 11:15

I don't know what I think about the son.
But even without him I think they have been taking advantage of you for years, expecting too much from you and for you to be at their beck and call all the time . Did they ever even buy you a gift or thank you?
I think the time has come to tell them you are finding it too much and you can't help them anymore. Besides if their son is able to go to the house to give the car medication why can't he don't be other things?