To ask for your best responses to ‘gender disappointment’

Yes, it’s infuriating. In my case we were delighted to have three healthy ds. When the 3rd was born after a few years gap, on discovering this people would openly head tilt and say things like - ‘3 boys, poor you’ and ‘I bet you were hoping for a girl’ in front of the other two!! I just used to say very firmly ‘no, actually, I love having 3 boys!’ (which I did and do!) People can be so crass!

If they ask if you're disappointed just say "no I'm delighted!"

We recently found out number 3 is a girl, we've already got a girl and a boy and genuinely haven't had a preference at any point. But MIL has a strong preference for boys, had three boys herself and has constantly complained about being surrounded by girls (which is bollocks, she's got 5 grandchildren, 3 boys, 2 girls so this baby will just even it out) and tries to make DD and my niece fit into some sort of little women role.

Anyway the kids were really excited to call their grandparents and tell them, so I gave mil and advance warning call, and told her she'd better get her face straight and leave them under the impression she's delighted they are getting a sister. 🤣

It worked, kind of......

God, I remember this when we had DS, whom we knew would be our only child. My two otherwise nice and sane SILs were all over me with sympathy: ‘Are you gutted, ‘I’m so sorry, Bletting! It’s just the roll of the dice isn’t it?’, and ‘You’ll get over it in time!’ as though we’d just discovered a serious genetic condition in utero!

I genuinely had had no preference at all (we’d planned to stay childfree, so I was enjoying pregnancy as a weird and interesting experience I hadn’t expected to have, and keeping my scan photos on my bedside table and looking at them happily when I woke up at night for a wee), and said so, but the mad thing was that these two nice women, with whom I’d always had a good relationship, simply didn’t believe me and kept patting my hand and saying ‘You’re being very brave!’ and clearly thinking I was concealing intense distress. One of them gave me a sympathy card telling me she understood and I could talk to her at any time!

What was eye-opening is what I found out about my SILs (DH’s sisters) that I’d never known, although I’d been around them for many years at that point (but they’d both had their children young). Both had been desperate for a daughter and had gone on having boys (two in one case, three in the other) until they ‘got their girl’, despite one of them being told, after a dangerous birth that she shouldn’t have another child.

The sad, but I suppose not unexpected thing, is that both treated their daughters entirely differently to their sons (princess, mini-me, shopping and pamper parties stuff) until the daughters grew old enough to reject that, and neither are close to their mothers in adulthood. The daughters feel rejected for not being sufficiently ‘girlie’ and my SILs are disappointed their precious girls whom they longed to have, have both chosen to be unmarried (though partnered) and childfree and not do the weddings/grandchildren thing they’d expected.

After my second son was born, a complete stranger (a man) asked me if the baby was a girl. When I said another boy, he said ‘oh what a shame, I bet you’re gutted!’ I was stunned. It hadn’t occurred to me to be anything less than delighted. Some people are ridiculous and to be honest, all this supposed preference for one of each is often based on an advertiser’s idea of the perfect family.

We had the same when we found out our baby's gender. We had a very tragic loss before that so it was absolutely joyous for us. Comments came at us like , "was dh disappointed, did he want a boy....

We had just burried our baby twin boys months before and this crap was being thrown at us.

What I always say is. Disappointed? No I'm just happy he/she is safe and healthy. Cant wait to meet them." It shuts them up because they sound silly going on about gender disapointment when pregnancy and fertility is so fickle.

They should know better if your journey has been tough x

Then why cant they simply say congratulations! how wonderful!- thats really not hard is it?!

Bloody hell, I had things like "oh, you can always try again for a girl" when I had my second boy as if my baby was just some inconvenience on the way to having a girl- its rude as hell when you've literally just had a baby and its BS to suggest there is literally nothing else to say to someone 🤣

Many parents would prefer the opportunity to parent both boys and girls, so a little gender disappointment is completely normal and probably fairly common

Lots of people commented about this during my second pregnancy, and I imagine people get more comments during subsequent pregnancies (if still only having had one gender).

It’s just small talk and not that deep.

I feel some of the time it’s projection that they’ve experienced gender disappointment themselves, or that they’re smug at having the ‘perfect’ set up of one of each, and looking down their noses at those of us who don’t.

I was 6-months pregnant with our 2nd daughter and we were at the wedding of one of my husband’s colleagues. Had a lovely exchange with another guest. “Ooooh 2 girls… good luck! So much bitchiness.”
My husband replied with “I have no worries about bitchiness, MrsMessyy isn’t giving birth to you.”
He still cringes about it, wishes he’d said something more clever and less playground-esque.

People are strange. You can’t win either way.
I have 2 girls (well, young women now!😢), and my brother & sister-in-law have 3 boys.
I’ve had the usual comments about girls being moody ‘little madams’ (cannot tell you how much I HATE that term) and how my husband probably would’ve loved a son, and my SIL had the “aw how sad you don’t get a mini-me.” It’s ridiculous and sad that these stereotypes are pinned to babies that haven’t even exited the womb.

In our case, our daughters and nephews have all been equally as hormonal, moody, and demanding; but are also just as kind, loving, and caring as each other. It’s not a boy/girl thing, it’s just part of growing up and a product of how they’ve been parented. I was a little shit when I was younger, but that’s because my younger brother was quite clearly the golden child and I was begging for attention, not just because I’m a girl.

Have no shame in telling them that actually, after a difficult journey, you are just truly grateful.

Use your voice! Say that!
We are so grateful to be here at all, we don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s healthy!

For the most part I think it's just crappy filler conversation. However when I found out I was having a second girl my mum said 'oh, are you disappointed?' and my dad said 'oh well, you'll just have to try again for a boy' ...!!!

As the older sister to a clear favourite younger brother these comments from my parents really bothered me.

Anyway, Im due my third girl any day now, which I'm delighted about. I'll even admit it's partly because I know they'll be disappointed which is immature of me but I don't care!

I know exactly how you feel. Years of infertility and three mcs - and PIL were hinting at whether we’d be disappointed with another DS, because they were.

I stayed cheery and made comments along the lines of ‘ we’ll be happy whatever we have, and no child of ours will be a disappointment’ . After one time when MIL was persistent and I was coming close to losing my rag, I went further and hinted that anyone who thought the baby was a disappointment would not be seeing him much. It stopped then.

I agree with you, rude and crazy. I would say ‘are you for real?’ and look at them as if you’re not sure they’re being serious.

You could try "God, no, don't worry. I'm not that uptight." which is only rude to those who are thinking it's a bad thing to have two of the same.

People say the stupidest stuff. I think generally they are just making conversation and not really thinking before opening their mouths.

I would ho either something bland as a reply:

• oh yes, DS is really looking forward to having a baby brother
• Yes it's lucky I can reuse so many outfits (tbh I reused a lot of DS's outfits for DD but accuracy isn't so important)

And then move on to something else. As the asker if they have siblings/if they get on well etc and are what they come out with?

You’re not over sensitive…..people are dicks. You are pregnant with twins, how wonderful 🥰

What someone asks me something stupid or insensitive, I always respond with "how do you mean?". It gives them an opportunity to think about what they've just said and I enjoy watching them squirm.

My mother made a few comments but I just said I wanted a healthy baby and didn’t care what sex it was. She didn’t say anything else. No one else was so insensitive as to say anything. My DH already had two boys and was hoping for a girl but he felt the same as me. My SIL burst into tears however - she had three boys herself - which was weird because if I’d had a girl she wouldn’t have had much of a relationship with her as we rarely saw them. Anyhoo long awaited girl did arrive 20 months later. And yes I did get a ‘boys are best’ comment then from someone who really should have known better! Just say you are happy and then ignore.

I didn’t find out the gender of any of my three pregnancies.
After I had two baby boys I was pregnant for a third time people were saying stuff like “hopefully it will be a girl” or “let’s hope it’s a girl!” “I’m praying for a girl for you” and “you’ll be so disappointed now if it’s a third boy” When actually I was feeling so lucky to be having a surprise healthy third pregnancy at the age of 43. (It was a third boy in the end and I was delighted)
people will say anything ! My advice would be don’t tell anyone whether you’re having boys or girls and don’t tell them what names you’re thinking of- because you invite opinions and judgement.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Tell them you actually did a naked rain dance and cast a spell in order to get the genders you have

When it’s girls, there’s sometimes a sexist undercurrent of, “your husband must be disappointed not to have a son”.

I think it’s an insensitive and impertinent comment whether it’s girls or boys.

How so?