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AIBU?

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AIBU to worry my 18 YO son’s relationship is fuelling debt and drug use?

5 replies

sharonj482 · 24/09/2026 20:44

My DS is 18 years old and came out as gay at age 15, he has always been an up and down child but we thought he was growing into a lovely young man who has a bright future ahead of him.

He met this man in a local gay night club in London. And they got together very quickly seeing each other most days in the week. The man is 28, and illegally came to the UK a couple of years ago, and doesn’t have a visa , and lives in a hotel.

My son told us that he loves him very much and gets angry and upset whenever he’s not with him, they are always on the face time together and are constantly texting! My son has a good job working in health care, but gives hundreds of pounds to this man, because he has said this man only has £9 a week!! My son pays for absolutely everything, staying in hotels together weekly and never answers me when he’s with him.

He got himself into debt of around £2,000 and has come home many times drunk or under the influence!! i suspect both of them are doing it together! This man is constantly fighting with people, and the general public and DS and him have had many psychical altercations.

At the end of the month DS has pennies left and prioritises this man over anything. DS now also smokes weed a lot and can’t get through a week without drinking or smoking. He was hospitalised as he revealed to paramedics him and BF has been smoking cr*ck on 2 occasions that left him in a state of aggressive bad episode. He never even used to vape until he met this man!! Then the man is asking DS for photos, proof
what do i do!!!!!! im sick to my stomach , am i being unreasonable to try my best to stop this relationship. Ds has also revealed to me he has been using substances and drink EVERY time he’s with the man and doesn’t think there’s an issue!! he just sees is as being “18”

OP posts:
sharonj482 · 24/09/2026 20:48

Spoke with DS this evening and he said he loves him and wants to help him get a visa but is also reluctant. The man wants to use their photos and a letter from DS to obtain asylum right remain from the home office. !

OP posts:
cbbo · 24/09/2026 20:48

Oh Jesus that sounds awful. Your son needs to realise for himself this man is bad news. His mum telling him probably won’t do the trick sorry

Megamegablahblah · 24/09/2026 21:13

I'm sorry, i think you are right to have concerns.

gets angry and upset whenever he’s not with him could it be an emotionally abusive relationship?

I think you need to keep an open door and open communication with your son. Hopefully he will see this isn't a healthy relationship.

There are orgs that exist to help asylum seekers and he knows this is not sustainable.

I also wanted to post as it hit a nerve about a dear gay friend who fell in with heroin. We didn't know about the heroin and he overdosed and died in his 20s.

There should be orgs your DS could self refer to for support to navigate all this.

Good luck. Just show you are actively looking out for him.

Elsvieta · 25/09/2026 07:10

Photos for proof of what?

If the other man is here illegally, would reporting him help?

sesquipedalian · 25/09/2026 07:49

Call me a cynic, OP, but I fear this other man, who sounds a thoroughly bad lot, is far more motivated by wanting a visa than by love for your son. He’s found himself a cushy billet - a younger man to bankroll him, and to further his visa application. I’m afraid your DS is being taken for a ride.

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