Ds might be suspended after fight please help

Oh bless him. Maybe he just needs some space to process what’s gone one. I’d suggest taking him some food and telling him you’re about if he needs you and then leave him for this evening. It might be best for everyone that he can’t go in tomorrow.
He obviously needs to understand that violence isn’t a valid response, but he also needs to be looked after. Ignore the nasty comments here. He’s only young and it’s hard at any age to know what to do with anger.

Normal procedure after fisticuffs. The other boy should be in the same position. Best not to get into fights on college site. Im sure it will be fine.

No, but she should have nipped it in the bud from the onset

Boys will be boys hey 🙄🙄

The amount of people excusing male violence on this thread is insane.

In a given situation we can’t control how others react but we can always choose how we want to react back.

By saying this behaviour is quite normal is literally normalising violence and letting boys know that reacting this way and choosing violence is ok and guess where that leaks into…the way they treat women and their every day attitude to any given situation.

If they don’t like something they just sort it with violence because that’s what they’ve been able to get away with. If a woman makes them angry because she doesn’t want their attention, they react with violence because that’s how they’ve reacted in the past and we’re told it’s “normal”

Stop excusing boys bad behaviour that leads to men’s bad behaviour.

whether he was provoked or not it doesn’t change things and he needs to take responsibility for his actions but it does change things what led up to it and i think college know that otherwise they wouldn’t be investigating
Well no, you were right the first time. He punched someone. What happened before this doesn’t change things.

I don't think 17 year olds fighting is normal.

But he is violent,op. And there is no provocation which means violence is acceptable, and of course the college is investigating they can’t just say well he punched someone and it’s done, they have to follow due process.

most education establishments have a zero tolerance to violence.

It’s a lesson to be learned. We need to stop minimising and excusing bad behaviour. You keep saying how your son gives as good as he gets. Who are you to say that he isn’t the one starting this “banter” rather than just returning it.

And again, this is a conversation to be had with your son about behaviour that is excused as banter not being ok. If he doesn’t like the way he’s being spoken to by friends he should be calling them out not just acting the same way.

It sounds like something has happened to your ds @OP, which is a very sensitive matter (embarrassing, humiliating), and one of his friends has been gaslightling him about it. He snapped and punched him because of it.
He desperately doesnt want ANYONE to know what this thing is. The punching is pretty clear that's not the mystery and CCTV isnt going too show anything new there. The worrying part is a) His A'Levels 2) What is the secret that has made him 'very quiet' in the days leading up to the punching incident?

At our school, fighting is instant expulsion, but I appreciate that college may be a bit different. We would let them back to sit the exams if another school could not be found with the right boards etc.

My suspicion would be he’s likely as guilty as the other boy of saying something awful at the time. Otherwise he’d be telling people and not be hiding what was said.

go take him a drink, sit on his bed, then say. “I know today has been difficult and I just want you to know that I’m here. I know you and this isn’t something you would usually do, therefore I’m worried and want to know that you’re ok. This could be serious and in order to help you I need you to outline what’s happened. I don’t need all the details, and I won’t judge, but I need to know so I can help. Whatever it is I’m your mum and I love you and always will.

Then don’t say anything and wait for him to talk. Try not to react to what he says or ask questions, just let him talk.

Anyway I wouldn't worry too much about what was said, as pointed out it doesn't excuse hitting someone.

DS will need to go into college very contrite and apologetic. I suggests he writes a letter to the friend apologizing and to the college for his behaviour and you pass it on tomorrow morning.

I don't think OP is at all - she's simply pointing out this hitting is very out of character for her son, and something was said to trigge it - and that they ALL "banter" and say unkind things.

To get to 17 having never shown any signs of violence or getting into trouble and then one day punch one of your mates, IS out of character and concerning.

I can only think some "banter" really touched a nerve. Bantering is an unpleasant trait and risks this happening. Maybe the boy was saying something DS feels humiliated about or something personal? Could it be about a girlfriend, or could he be gay? Something about a family member?

OP does it matter what was said? Your DS should not be responding to words with his fists, should he? Regardless of the teasing, banter or outright nastiness. This is the sort of thing we teach toddlers. Unless the other guy hit him first, there's absolutely no justification for the fight, is there?

You say he's been a bit withdrawn for a while. It sounds like his friendship group is changing (not uncommon at that sort of age) and he isn't coping with that change well. Have you noticed, in amoungst all this "banter" that the group has a habit of focusing on one member and pushing them out? If so, that was probably something you's ideally have acted on a while ago, but obviously you can't turn back time. Relational aggression is often discussed on MN as a girl thing, but it's really not. It's just as common amoung boys. And doing some work with your DS around it so he can understand what his "friends" are doing, even if he won't tell you what is really going on, might be wise.

I would give him some space. Be available to talk. Wait for the college to make their decision. Possibly have a look around at options for him for if he is permanently excluded (another college doing the same boards? Home study?). And once that comes in, if he hasn't already opened up, sit him down for a big talk. He doesn't have to open up to you, but you do need to set some expectations and give him some tools.

the boy must’ve said something to cause him to snap

Do you assault people who say things to you?
He needs to learn to walk away
Good self defence classes also teach walking away

I don’t think anyone is doing that though? They’re responding to her minimising the behaviour. It’s very much “boys will be boys” and blaming everyone else for him getting into a fight.

I don’t think it’s helpful to repeatedly hector the OP. She’s come here for help.

OP - you can report your own thread and ask MNHQ to move it to a different board. AIBU is fighty and I don’t think that’s what you need right now!

The issue here op is you’ve tried to blame his behaviour on the others, make it not his fault. It’s them and their behaviour and he’s the innocent victim,

but it’s not their fault. It’s his.

He needs to talk to you so that when he does get called back into college to either be told he isn't welcome back or what will happen going forwards he cannot say "the other boy deserved it."

No one, no one deserves to be attacked. You can tell him that if he doesn't tell you what was said then college are likely to so you need to know so you can help him avoid being excluded.

There is no legal right to be educated beyond 16, this isn't school, this is deadly serious. He needs to come at this from a I am incredibly sorry for my actions standpoint.

He can write down what happened if he cannot tell you but he is risking messing up his A levels right now. Why would another sixth form/college want a violent student? He needs to try to ensure he gets back into this one.

There is a chance the other parents are talking to the police. If your son threw the first punch then he needs to understand that he might be investigated by the police. He needs to talk to you now.

Do you think minimising and excusing his behaviour will be helpful?