Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

There are enough unwanted children in the world.
OP, I feel for you. This must feel like the end of the world but it's not and you will come out of this stronger and happier. It is not anyone's choice but yours but having an abortion will not affect your fertility or future chances. You've already taken the first step in getting your life back on track.
I imagine your family and friends might feel worried about you but not want to upset you, tell them how you are really feeling and explain the hold this man has over you. You can do this 💯

No experience of people. Seen more than enough of people breeding from temperamentally unstable animals then being surprised when the offspring are mental wrecks. Dogs, cattle, horses, everything. Even certain strains of lab mice are known to be more stressy or violent than others even though their environment is identical. The man's a violent nutcase who has already bred one child who has to be medicated down to stop him attacking his own mother and sibling. For an individual of a social species to turn out like that something has gone badly wrong in the factory. If this man was a dog I'd have him put down or, if not possible, at least castrated to avoid any risk of him ever siring any unfortunate offspring. If I was pregnant by him I'd Alizin myself and take myself off to the behaviourist, I mean therapist.

please don't bring any more of that mans genes to the world. he is horrendous, well done for dumping him and blocking him.
I try to say this gently, but you seem to see motherhood as your chance to have someone love you. I think it should be that you want to give love, raise a person and let them go live their life. I also think that you will not attract someone to love you when you don't love yourself.
so with that mindset, I would abort the pregnancy, lose the tie to that horrendous man and do some intense counselling and personal development. Really try to value my life, myself, learn to love myself. You may then find you attract someone who can love you and you will be excited and happy to be trying for a baby with a lovely, kind, supportive partner.

my BFF just had a baby at 46. it's not too late.

A woman I know who had a baby with a man like your ex and also left him while pregnant has not even a week go by when her son is not attacking her, the ex is not seeing him, the boy is extremely angry about it, her life is very hard.

It's 6 weeks. Have a termination and never see or contact this utter turd of a man again! God, how could you want to be pregnant by him after finding out what a terrible person he is?

My relative was the first wife in a similar nightmare situation. OP you are not the first and unfortunately won't be the last to believe the lies of a man like this. So the first thing I'd say is don't be so hard on yourself - you made a massive misjudgement but you now know that. You've been strong enough to end it, be proud of yourself for that. Like many pps I'd strongly recommend you seek counselling.

Given the whole situation you describe, it does seem like a termination is a sensible option. But do make sure you are making that decision for the right reasons (and there are plenty of reasons to end the pregnancy from what you describe). But no one on this board knows the real you or the reality of your life. What strikes me is that your self-esteem is rock bottom. Perhaps a part of you feels you are not capable of being a good mum or don't deserve to be.

From my experience it's helpful to take time to talk it through so that your thought process is as clear and calm as possible- even if you've already made up your mind I think it's still helpful to go though that process. At least it was for me (a different situation in many ways - baby was unwell - but I can sadly relate to the feeling of wishing a pregnancy didn't exist but not feeling able to actively end it).

you’ve had really good advice.

I just wanted to say, that I think you DO want this baby on some level. And that’s ok too you know?

@NattyEagle well done for dumping him and now discovering who he is.

Ref the pregnancy, I understand how hard it must be to decide. Youre currently in shock. Give yourself 2 weeks to decide.

And ref meeting someone, I thought that too. But met my DH at 34yo. A year later married, a year later no 1 arrived and a year after no 2 arrived.

Sending you hugs and strength to make the you need decision about the pregnancy.

Have an abirtion. If you keep the baby ,it will be fir the wring reason.You may not bond with the child.
You have a good 5 years left to conceive. Maybe longer. You are likely to meet a much nicer gug that the ghastly specimen you have wasted two years on.

OP, it’s important you get specialist counselling asap. If you decide to go ahead with pregnancy, you should refer yourself and unborn child to social services so they can brought up independently of father. I’m going to lay my cards on table and say I’m not pro abortion, I just see it as a necessity whilst there are idiotic men who impregnate women about. I did terminate in your position nearly 36 years ago. I don’t feel I had a choice but I wish I hadn’t had to. If that makes sense. I conceived at 40 and the love I have for my child, now virtually adult, is beyond anything. I don’t know if any of that is useful but I sense and recognise your feelings here. I don’t think your child will take after their father but I do think it’s important that he has no contact. I’m not sure if it’s possible to make him agree to that. But I think referring yourself to children’s services as you and baby are at risk from this monster is important. No one can advise you and no one should judge you. You’ve done well to get that nasty bastard out of your life. God love you and be with you.

I'm very sorry you find yourself in difficult situation but I just wanted to say you seem stronger than you think.

Strong enough to contact his ex to get the full picture.
Strong enough to see him for who is really is.
Strong enough to know you deserve better.
Strong enough to get ride of him.

You are also strong enough to make the right decision for you now too.

You've had one hell of a week.
Take the pressure of.
Give yourself another week or two to decide.

During that time:

• zero contact with him
• do the freedom programme so you can reslise this isn't your fault - abusers are so manipulative
• have more counselling, really talk it out, the good, the bad, the future, everything you've said here etc.

Then you can make your final decision from a clearer perspective.

It’s really very sad but sometimes the children of tricky or unpleasant fathers can also be difficult to parent themselves

you might have the child love and them very much, but child may go on to have their own struggles at school, difficult relationships etc. certain traits like addictive or anxious behaviours seem to crop up across generations

and you would be carrying all the parenting loads yourself

Were there no red flags that this man was as hideous as he clearly is? What a dreadful situation.

Motherhood doesn't always look the way we imagine it and you can create a happy family with two people in it. But, you have to be prepared for it to be tough alone by yourself and you must only do it if you're prepared for the sleepless nights without a partner by your side.

I don't think it's necessarily that relevant that posters are saying your ex would be in your life forever, he's stated that he isn't interested so you would have no need to add him to the birth certificate. But whether you'd want a biological link to someone so wicked is a different question.

Can you speak to your GP for some advice? Do you have anyone else you can talk to?

Dear @NattyEagle
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I agree with others who have said you can get counselling via organisations like Marie Stopes to help you work through the decision that you have to make.

Looking at the quoted post and others, you have clearly outlined reasons on both sides, so talking with an experienced person in real life would probably help you feel more certain which way to go.

It was brave of you to leave him and to have made several attempts to do so. He sounds extremely dangerous. I think it would really help you to have support to continue to stay away from him. Maybe speak to Women's Aid for advice on this. Dont give up on getting help and advice just because relatives haven't been great about it. You need an experienced professional who really understands the issues you are going through. At the moment, you have so much going on in your life that is impacting your mental health.

Discuss your feelings with a counsellor at Marie Stopes termination centre or similar to make a decision about abortion or not.
Make a Clare's Law application to Police on their website to check his domestic abuse history.
Please don't ever have him back he sounds a nasty piece of work.
If you have the baby don't put his name on the birth certificate. He will have to make a court application to be on the BC but will probably never do that as he appears to hate his own children. Wish you well

No one can be in exactly your shoes. I am sorry. Many woman on here have horrible, nasty, absuvie exes who cause misery to their lives and the lives of their children.

Those women are advising you not to have this baby as far as I can make out.
The others well we peobsbly can't understand your pain well enough but we are giving you a hand hold to help you through this.
You are not too old to have another baby. Frankly you'd be better off with a 1 night stand than having this man in your life.
But none of us can know how hard is it for you to take those pills. Because it seems like it is really really hard for you. And you have no one in real life who will pick you up and carry you through it. So you will have to do this on your own.
We are here for you if that helps.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff If you read ALL by the OP she said that she had a counselling session YESTERDAY. she went on to say that the comments here were helping her more.

Not to say she couldn't do with more but will it even help her?

I think you need to leave him permanently

i don’t think you should have his baby. Have a very clean break

Your main driver to keep the baby seems to be because you are afraid you will never be a mother.

That is understandable but not realistic. Repeating myself but friends had two first and second babies from 36-40. Another I know had her first at 41 with no issues getting pregnant.

So- you can't keep this baby based on a 'what if.'

Babies ideally need two parents. What they don't need is a single mum, and a dad who, frankly, should be in prison for his attacks on his wife and child.

I'm surprised he's still out there - presume his wife didn't report him beating her and biting their child?

I know this sounds harsh but wanting to keep your baby under these circumstances is not best for their future. You've already alluded to how your own childhood has left you a bit fucked up - so don't inflict that on another child

This is not just about your wishes- it's about the future your baby could have.

Hi Op, so sorry you are all alone and having a truly awful time with nobody to sit with you while you take the pills and go through the termination. It sounds harrowing.
I don’t know if the charities that do abortions would be more supportive, upthread you said they are pro life so maybe not a good route.
What about the Samaritans? You can talk to them for as long as you need and as often as you want to, they won’t hang up on you if you want some one to be on the end of the phone while you’re doing it. They are on a central system so if you’re not finding the one you got particularly helpful or sympathetic you can hang up and dial again to get a different one.
Remember they are volunteers and are generally really good patient people who listen to the most harrowing stories so what you are sharing they will have heard it before.
Sending you a hug in this difficult time, this too shall pass, it always does.

People can trash your life without seeing you. As the father, he could do all sorts of nasty stuff to unsettle you and make life miserable. Calling social services, contacting your child’s school, taking you to court for access (even if he doesn’t then follow through). All sorts.

Kindly, don’t put your and your child’s life in this disgusting man’s hands.

He COULD claim the child just to mess up your life. And insist on a DNA test if not named as the father on the birth certificate.

Don’t underestimate the lengths evil people will go to just for their own entertainment.

I've only read your first post, so sorry you're going through this.
But I just wanted to tell you my first DH died when I was 34, I met my now DH around a year later and we have an almost 3 year old, so it's not your last chance to have children.

Yes, I think OP should take this very seriously.
If she can’t see why this pregnancy is a bad idea from every angle (not least because babies are not remedies for their mother’s traumas), she should be thinking of what you warn about.
This man will make himself a toxic element in her life if she is known to have his child (and she would be.) What is worrying is whether she’d withstand any blandishments he might offer about a reconciliation, even despite all she has heard since she thought it worth investigating his bona fides as a man.
After all, she was apparently ‘blissfully happy’ with him without that info, so who knows what he might pull to convince her it was all vicious lies.

It’s all far too much of a risk, and she needs to act swiftly before this pregnancy has time to work on her malleable side. Get rid, and shut that link with him down for good.

Op, you keep saying you love him/loved him but the simple truth is that you didn’t even know him. He faked EVERYTHING and lied to you. You were in love with a (very shitty) illusion. You were easy to trick as you have a parent wound inside you that’s desperate to be filled up with love. I get it, I’ve been there myself and spent most of my life in therapy.But I’ll let you into a secret… nobody else can fill that gaping wound apart from you. You need to be gentle with yourself, you need to call your local mental health crisis team and get the support you need to do the right thing. Or be strong and see those pills as the very symbolic step of eradicating him from your life. Those pills cut the string that holds you together.

realistically a baby will make your life ten times harder and you will be even more unhappy. All you will do is compound your current mental health issues and multiply them and add another burden onto you and that burden could well turn out to be severely autistic and need 24 hour care for life.

invest in YOU. Get short term medical mental health intervention and long term therapy . Tell yourself every day that you are worth more. Go on a journey of self discovery and start a hobby that fills your heart with joy and gives you some self esteem. Build a decent foundation and create a happy fulfilled life. THAT is proper fertility, cultivating your own happy little garden and watching it bloom with a smile on your face. It’s not peeing on a stick and giving birth. There are plenty and plenty of shit parents out there as you know first hand. Don’t swell their ranks. Get your therapy, stand straight and proud and only when you are happy on your own and with your own company should you have a baby. I’m not saying don’t be in a relationship in time, I’m saying that ANY relationship can fail or end no matter how good, life happens. And single parent hood is hard even when you are mentally stable. Never mind when you are trauma bonded to the monster that’s made your life hell. Children need routine and peace and love, not drama addiction, abuse, physical violence and an emotional waste ground.

i really hope you come through this and make the right choice.

Can I suggest you look at this from another angle, OP?

This pregnancy was never planned. You agreed to see what happened (?)
So in other words, no contraception or not regularly and decide what to do if it happened.
You said you were not 'allowed' to use the MAP- what the heck does that mean?

So, by terminating this pregnancy you will be in no different situation to had you not become pregnant - because this pregnancy wasn't a joint choice, it was unplanned. There was never a plan to have a baby together.

You'd still be 34 with no baby. The difference now is you would be a single mum , with MH issues and a terrible man in the background.

That's not what you wanted, I'm sure.