Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

Regardless of if he hates you, he might still decide to see his child. Trust me he can drag you to hell and back. I speak from experience. Imagine he fights in court for contact with the child and wins (you might think he won’t be granted access because of his past behaviour but I’ve seen it happen). Then you have to allow your child to visit with him and be in danger and be under his influence and control. Trust me it’ll be hell for your child and for you. Do not bring a child into this. It sounds like you want the pregnancy for all the wrong reasons.

No one can know for certain how things will work out however there's risks involved. There's the risk that a evil child abusing man will want to fuck with your head and go to court to claim contact with the child. There's a risk that the child themselves will have their father's traits and ND and grow up to be violent and hard to manage themselves. There's a risk that with your own mental health being the way it is that you yourself will struggle with the demands of a newborn with no support.

It might turn out perfectly fine but there's so many risks there that it would be worth reducing them before motherhood and that includes working on your own mental health and finding a different father for your child.

I'm happy to give you a virtual handhold, I'd offer to come and sit with you but I'm too far away I'm afraid.

Just take the pills, you have 5 more years to meet someone. You can always use a sperm donor in a few years. This man doesn't deserve to have his genetic material propagated and also keep in mind that a predisposition for psychopathy and personality disorders is inherited. You'd be condemning this child to a predisposition towards antisocial behaviour and a life without a father - or - even worse - to forced contact with a psychopath if he changes his mind down the line. Take the pills, your clock isn't ticking that badly.

What a lovely post ! ❤️

OP, much sympathy, what a mess.

Don't blame yourself for having risked a pregnancy with this twat. Hindsight is always 20/20. You don't deserve to feel awful.

And don't rush things. You've got time to make up your mind, if I remember right the pills work up to 12 weeks.

Pragmatically, abortion clearly is preferable because you don't want an abusive man in your or your child's life.

But you want a child and it's true that good fathers don't grow on trees. You can't be sure that things will work out.

Maybe contact women's aid for advice on whether you can keep this man out of the picture given his record of violence against a child. I've known mother and child teams that worked well with no father on the scene.

Do you want a child badly enough to countenance all the risks in this scenario? Only you can answer that.

But if your family won't help, find a professional/volunteer to talk it over with (BPAS, women's aid, GP...) All the best.

Ah I'm sorry. Have you a friend who can be with you xx

But how do you know that she would be ok and things would work out? None of us can say what’s best. She needs some help outside of a message board to make this serious decision.

@NattyEagle you have done so well to break things off with this man. I am sorry for the pain he and others in your life have caused.

You’ve asked if other people have had comparable experiences. I have, in some pertinent ways.

My ex partner, truly a malevolent and dangerous person, was initially positive about the idea of pregnancy. Even after I became pregnant, at first he seemed happy. Then came the pressure to abort and the ramping up of the abuse.

I left, and kept the baby. Years later, ex in a moment of narcissistic midlife crisis decided to muscle in and now things are pretty awful again. The system can’t protect you or your child from this. You say you’ve lost two years to him; you could lose another 18+

You could go from muddling through yourself, having paved a life for you and your baby, to having your ex throwing a grenade into the mix and undoing every good thing while making life hell for you and the child. Please don’t dismiss it as a possibility, however certain you feel he’d never do this. I too was sure at the time of pregnancy that I wouldn’t hear from mine again. And my story isn’t unique. I know others, including ones whose ex had never bothered with previous children, but suddenly did this time round.

I am not telling you what to do - importantly, it’s your choice alone. But please do acknowledge that having this baby is as much of a gamble as not having it.

And if you do choose not to keep it, do not feel ashamed. It is an act of protection to the embryo to spare it ever having to suffer.

Try not to look back, whichever decision you make.

Firstly I am so sorry that you have been put into this position by your ex partner. Can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it is for you to think straight right now with all the information that has come to light.

If you don’t feel able to be a single parent, but cannot face idea of an abortion would you consider adoption?

Take your time to weigh up all your options, don’t rush into anything that you are unsure of.

I think it’s the right decision, but massive hugs for you. Awful to be in this position.

I hope you do find the right way to have a baby when you’re ready.

But a sperm bank would be a better option than a known abuser who some court might decide has a right to contact with your child.

@NattyEagle we are all with you in spirit, without judgement. Many of us feel that termination is the right decision in this circumstance but only you can decide. But any of us would hold your hand and reassure you that you will be ok and things will work out, as you take the pills. Try not to overthink this; be calm, take some deep breaths and just sit quietly. Give yourself a moment of calm.

I have met many horrible men and I have walked away from relationships with good men who couldn't tell me they loved me - one guy I was with on and off for four years. His best mate said, he really loves you but he can't ever commit. He's in "pending" mode all the time. His ex was with him for 18 years and he couldn't propose.

I know this isn't your situation, but I was 43 at the time and I really felt I would never ever meet another guy. Within six months I did meet a guy and he was sweet and funny but then I moved in with him and he would never be home and he would say he was on his way and he was getting pissed with randoms rather than come home.

And then this lovely man, who I had met four years before who was a friend because he was really obese, and I didn't see him as a partner. I confided him in and he said you need a solid base and someone to talk to, and over the next five months we became really close and I left the alcoholic guy. And this lovely man who has been in my life as my friend and partner for 15 years, is now my husband of three years and we've lived together for 10 years and I am at my most happiest ever.

My point is that love and good men do come along. You just have to spot them. Sometimes they come in an obese package with a northern accent, (though he has lost over seven stone since then). And you have to be ready for them.

You need time to grieve what you thought this man was and that is really hard because you are in cognitive dissonance. You thought he was this great guy and now you discover he's a monster and your brain hasn't caught up.

But you will recover. You will get over this. But you need to sever the connection to him. And in time you will feel better and someone will be there to be a great dad to your children.

I just want to throw my two pence in here.
I was 17 when I had my baby with an abusive ex partner who actually threatened suicide if I kept the baby.
I kept her of course and it’s the best decision I made. He is not in her life, and we do not have any court or visitation arrangements, he just doesn’t care.

Do you know if the mother of his other children has filed police reports to back up what she is saying about him? Because if she does, then that can be used as evidence in your favour when it comes to custody etc, although from what he’s saying I don’t think he would bother.

Do you have family to support you?
You Absolutely can love this child without him. You absolutely can bring them up alone.
It’s just whether you feel you can.
Only you know the answer but just know there is support out there.

Why are you assuming we're all married and have never met a man like this?

I think you're spiralling, what support do you need to take the pills?

It sounds like this guy has some terrible characteristics, some of which may be passed down to your child. Personality disorders / neurodivergence can be hereditary.

i think it would be unwise to have a child with a narcissist/ psychopath.

i wish you well take care of yourself

No one deserves a father like that. Even he knows he shouldn't be a father. You still have time. Sometimes being a good mother in my opinion is making the decision not to bring a child into a life of pain and suffering. I think you should seek counselling before you make your decision. Wishing you all the best for the future.

I think you need to go to bed for tonight OP 💐

You’re incredibly emotional and thinking very irrational right now. You need some rest.

Tomorrow, contact BPAS and request some urgent pregnancy decision counselling.
https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Or NUPAS - https://www.nupas.co.uk/abortion-care/abortion-counselling/

You need to speak to a non-judgemental empathetic professional. They will be able to give you all the information re: future fertility.

If you do want to go ahead with a termination, you can request a surgical termination instead of taking the pills. (I accompanied my friend who had one at 6 weeks). You won’t be alone, you will be with nurses who will look after you and ensure you’re okay.

Going forwards, you need to block this man out of your life forever. Stop contacting his ex. Block his number and every social media account you can find of him.

You need to desperately work on your self esteem and self worth. Refer yourself to Talking Therapies via NHS (if you are in England6. I think you could benefit from therapy for your childhood and how you can navigate more healthier relationships in the future.

Also spend some time to find new hobbies, and you will have the opportunity to meet new people and new friends.

I wish you well 💐❤️

Personally I think you're going to eventually put your child at risk if you continue with the pregnancy. This man is bad bad news for you and will be worse news for any child you both parent. You're 5 weeks pregnant take the pills.
I'm sorry for your dilemma but do the right thing. He's told you who he is.

There’s a lot of women here saying ‘just take the pills’.
You seem really, really torn on this, totally understandable.
I don’t think it’s right for people on a message board who don’t know you to tell you what to do here. You really need some counselling to work through this asap. I would not dare to tell you what to do. Either choice has huge implications for your future. My heart goes out to you honestly.

OP regardless of whether or not he is in your child’s life, that child will probably have issues knowing what their father is like. If you are considering a termination then I think that is the best thing.

Also OP think about who is posting and why. I know why I am. I’d imagine a lot of us have either direct or indirect experience of domestic violence and the trauma it creates. It is indelible.

I do t talk about this IRL but I had to make this choice when I was in my 20s. Awful. But not as awful as the ties having a baby would have meant. So sorry, lovely, but I think you know the best thing for you.

when I went to the clinic (no pills then) I said “next time” to my non-baby. That made me feel better, like I was talking to their soul xxx

There is no silver lining here OP. I have been lucky enough to have a lovely husband. But we met when I was 33 and my ex was a narcissist and abusive (we weren’t married and didn’t have children thank god). The kind of man that admits to BEATING HIS CHILDREN will never change. You deserve much much better than that… I hope you understand that but even if you don’t, please don’t bring a baby into this.

I was in your shoes! Got pregnant with my boyfriend who was abusive. I had an abortion because I didn't want to have an abusive prick as a father to my child. I waited until I found a good, decent man who I knew would be a good father even if we were to seperate (we haven't). I have never regretted my choice.